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Jewish World Review /Sept. 14, 1998/ 23 Elul 5758

Larry Elder

The "Larry List" of the most fascinating women in politics

WHAT DO MONICA LEWINSKY, tennis star Venus Williams and television's Buffy the Vampire Slayer have in common? They all made the George magazine list of the 20 Most Fascinating Women in Politics. That's right, politics. And what do Attorney General Janet Reno and Secretary of State Madeleine Albright have in common? Neither made the cut.

Buffy

Couldn't George, in a country of accomplished female governors, senators, members of Congress, state legislators and activists, scrape together 20 women actually in, like, you know, politics? But then, George magazine is to politics what the "Jerry Springer Show" is to group therapy. No dummies, those George guys. A seductively attired Cindy Crawford cover pushes a few more copies than one with, say, Janet Reno in a string bikini.

Now, before the ladies get too upset at George's condescension, the magazine's list of the 20 Most Fascinating Men in Politics had its own eccentricities. The list included Golden State Warriors basketball player Latrell Sprewell. Apparently, attempting to kill your coach becomes a kind of political statement. Indeed, inside sources say that, while choking Coach P.J. Carlesimo, Sprewell thundered, "I'm sick and tired of paying capital gains taxes."

Well, given the wide-open criteria, here's the "Larry List."

1) Luscious actress Jennifer Lopez. Hubba-hubba. She's Hispanic, a group soon to become the largest minority group in America. President Clinton says his Cabinet "looks like America." Well, so does my list.

2) Prostitute Divine Brown. Good news. Adultery, we've learned from the Clinton administration, does not include oral sex. Clemency for Hugh Grant! And Jay Leno, who said to Grant, "What were you thinking?" should apologize.

3) Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Talk about a lady who stands by her man. Her husband, Joey, fools around, and the mistress shoots the missus in the face. Nevertheless, Mary Jo declares her love for Joey and refuses to believe an affair even took place. She out-Hillarys Hillary.

4) The Fabulous Moolah. Now in retirement, Moolah was female pro wrestling's answer to the World Wrestling Federation's current bad boy, The Undertaker. Nasty, brutal, wicked, known for beating up on her prettier rivals, Moolah, we understand, in her spare time, curls up with an unabridged edition of the Federalist Papers.

5) Morgana Roberts. She's the amply endowed lady who runs on the baseball field and steals kisses from "unsuspecting" ballplayers. Today, more women than ever seek breast augmentation. Coincidence?

6) Linda Tripp. Move over, Arnold Palmer. Tripp's the next great sales pitch-person. C'mon, there's simply no justice if Radio Shack, following Tripp's purchase of the infamous tape recorder, doesn't use her in commercials. "Hi, I'm Linda Tripp. Don't get mad. Get wired."

7) Jennifer Lopez. Hubba-hubba.

8) Lassie. The first cross-dressing, sexually liberated dog. A "he" actually played the "she."

9) Anna Nicole Smith. She married a rich old guy and waited for him to kick off. He cooperated; she collected. Who says the American dream is dead?

10) Lorena Bobbitt. Let's face it, guys, haven't we been treating our ladies just a little bit better?

11) Posh Spice and Scary Spice. Both unmarried and both pregnant. How charming for a group that targets the 11-year-old-and-under crowd. And Mommy and Daddy just finished explaining Clinton to the kids.

12) Ginger Spice. The first one to bolt the group, and she wasn't even pregnant!

13) RuPaul. Is this the right list?

14) Feminist Gloria Steinem. After Kathleen Willey said the president groped her, Steinem pronounced her not a victim of sexual harassment. No means no, said Steinem, and the president stopped. No harm, no foul. No lawsuit.

15) Babe. No, not the home-run hitter, the pig from the film. Moviegoers split on whether Babe is male or female, but many see him/her as next in line for the presidency of PETA. Babe's support, however, of animal testing for AIDS research may yet doom the candidacy.

16) Olive Oyl. A major guy magnet who manages to keep both Popeye and Brutus interested without going all the way. But whose kid is Swee' Pea? Expect an expose in the next "Drudge Report."

17) June Cleaver. Never got mad, never raised her voice. Hair always in place. She wore pearls and high heels while baking tray of cookies. Ah-h-h, the '50s.

18) The Crypt Keeper. Extremely high voice, must be a woman. Great job, poor dental plan. The Keeper's poor hygiene highlights the need for HMO reform.

19) Miss Piggy. Sassy, brassy, with hormones more hyperactive than the president's. A 1960s animal rights activist, Miss Piggy incited a riot when she entered a segregated Southern lunch counter and ordered veggieburgers.

20) Jennifer Lopez. Hubba-hubba.