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Jewish World Review March 22, 2004 / 29 Adar, 5764

Phil Perrier

Phil Perrier
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Martha asked for letters to her judge, so | While awaiting her sentence Martha Stewart has contacted 100 friends and associates and asked them to write to Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum on her behalf. Not a great idea, considering most judges disdain for being brow-beaten and having their opinions undermined. But vintage Martha; controlling to the bitter end.

Martha wrote, "If you would be so kind to write such a letter, please include your opinion of my character, my work ethic, my intergrity and my probity," she went on to say writers should include "any memorable experiences you have had with me."

Legal experts say Martha likely will face 10-16 months in prison. Though some of that could be spent in a halfway house or under house arrest.

The following is my own little open letter to Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum:

Dear Judge Goldman Cedarbaum,

Does Martha Stewart deserve to go to prison for her trading practices? No. At least no more than any of the corporate greed heads who run this country. You know, people with names like Bush, Cheney, Hillary Clinton and the boys at Halliburton. As for Martha's character, we will get to that. Her work ethic? Can't fault that one. Martha Stewart has attacked success with the zeal of a cornered rat. And as for Martha's "probity?" Sure, why not? I don't know what "probity" is but if she says she has it then fine.

Here is why Martha Stewart should go to prison; for being a bitch. For mistreating the people around her. For acting like her own power and wealth were the most important things in the world. And for promoting this horrible trend toward decorating and the national obsession for remodeling.

Martha Stewart should spend at least ten years in a "Super Max" prison- preferably one chock full of violent lesbians- just for her work with scented candals alone. Which really gets to the core of where I'm coming from Your Honor, Miriam (if I may be so bold), it is all the women who embrace Martha Stewart's values; wealthy, bored housewife types; they have time, they have money. So, what do they do? Do they spend time with handicapped children, or the elderly, do they give back to their species? No. They DECORATE! They have teas. They plan dinner parties and costume balls and fund raising events. And things too gruesomely tedious and depressing to even think about. All the while, showing off their designer dresses and latest jewelry; a plastic smile surgically affixed to their faces. Never quite looking like they are truly enjoying themselves. Always that hint of fear in the eyes. Fear of what? That someone will come along and take it all away?

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No Miriam, halfway houses and house arrest will not do. Martha needs to see the folly in her ways. She needs hard time. No potpourri, no doilies. Just jailhouse tattoos and knife fights.

Ultimately, Miriam, it is your call. Try not to let the fact that Martha Stewart in her own smug way, thinks she is better than you. Do not think about the rich, popular girls who remind you of Martha, who picked on you in high school and scorned your dream of one day being a judge, as they spent their fathers' money and serviced the football team. No, Miriam, listen to your heart.

Phil Perrier

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JWR contributor Phil Perrier is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comic. Comment by clicking here.


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© 2003, Phil Perrier