Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review March 22, 2004 / 29 Adar, 5764

Phil Perrier

Phil Perrier
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


Martha asked for letters to her judge, so


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | While awaiting her sentence Martha Stewart has contacted 100 friends and associates and asked them to write to Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum on her behalf. Not a great idea, considering most judges disdain for being brow-beaten and having their opinions undermined. But vintage Martha; controlling to the bitter end.

Martha wrote, "If you would be so kind to write such a letter, please include your opinion of my character, my work ethic, my intergrity and my probity," she went on to say writers should include "any memorable experiences you have had with me."

Legal experts say Martha likely will face 10-16 months in prison. Though some of that could be spent in a halfway house or under house arrest.

The following is my own little open letter to Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum:

Dear Judge Goldman Cedarbaum,

Does Martha Stewart deserve to go to prison for her trading practices? No. At least no more than any of the corporate greed heads who run this country. You know, people with names like Bush, Cheney, Hillary Clinton and the boys at Halliburton. As for Martha's character, we will get to that. Her work ethic? Can't fault that one. Martha Stewart has attacked success with the zeal of a cornered rat. And as for Martha's "probity?" Sure, why not? I don't know what "probity" is but if she says she has it then fine.

Here is why Martha Stewart should go to prison; for being a bitch. For mistreating the people around her. For acting like her own power and wealth were the most important things in the world. And for promoting this horrible trend toward decorating and the national obsession for remodeling.

Martha Stewart should spend at least ten years in a "Super Max" prison- preferably one chock full of violent lesbians- just for her work with scented candals alone. Which really gets to the core of where I'm coming from Your Honor, Miriam (if I may be so bold), it is all the women who embrace Martha Stewart's values; wealthy, bored housewife types; they have time, they have money. So, what do they do? Do they spend time with handicapped children, or the elderly, do they give back to their species? No. They DECORATE! They have teas. They plan dinner parties and costume balls and fund raising events. And things too gruesomely tedious and depressing to even think about. All the while, showing off their designer dresses and latest jewelry; a plastic smile surgically affixed to their faces. Never quite looking like they are truly enjoying themselves. Always that hint of fear in the eyes. Fear of what? That someone will come along and take it all away?


Donate to JWR


No Miriam, halfway houses and house arrest will not do. Martha needs to see the folly in her ways. She needs hard time. No potpourri, no doilies. Just jailhouse tattoos and knife fights.

Ultimately, Miriam, it is your call. Try not to let the fact that Martha Stewart in her own smug way, thinks she is better than you. Do not think about the rich, popular girls who remind you of Martha, who picked on you in high school and scorned your dream of one day being a judge, as they spent their fathers' money and serviced the football team. No, Miriam, listen to your heart.

Godsspeed,
Phil Perrier

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.



JWR contributor Phil Perrier is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comic. Comment by clicking here.

Up

01/14/04: The Second Greatest Generation
09/15/03: The man in black
08/29/03: The life and times of Bob Hope
07/10/03: AWAKENING
06/25/03: Maynard and me
06/13/03: Brinkley and Peck: When class meant something
03/20/03: Oscar, shmoscar: Exclusive insider Oscar skinny from Hollywood
01/27/03: Nell Carter gave me a break
01/06/03: CLONE THIS! Why "Rael" wants to be Hef
12/12/02: Bigfoot: Myth or monster?
11/25/02: Wacko Jacko blows his stacko?
11/11/02: The "Toad Factor" --- proven yet again
08/19/02: In this game, nobody wants a souvenir!
08/08/02: Drawing the curtain on a 'forgiven' lifestyle
07/29/02: The end of the freak show?
07/03/02: Who died?
06/21/02: From death, life
04/09/02: Welcome back, Phil
03/21/02: The Hollywood Curmudgeon's Guide to the Oscars
02/15/02: Another piece of Americana bites the dust
01/18/02: I'M SPARTACUS!
12/31/01: Realistic New Year's resolutions
12/21/01: SAY IT AIN'T SO, GERALDO!
11/02/01: Return to narcissism with Emmys
10/19/01: White trash exchange program
10/01/01: A few shows that will not be on the fall lineup
09/25/01: What's important
09/20/01: A sleeping giant awakes

© 2003, Phil Perrier