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Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2001 / 14 Tishrei, 5762

Phil Perrier

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Consumer Reports

A few shows that will not be on the fall lineup -- WHILE almost making the cut, the following shows were rejected by their networks and will not be debuting this fall:

Kabul 35701: Aaron Spelling's midas touch went sour on this steamy serialized drama about sexually adventurous 20-somethings living and loving in Kabul Afghanistan. In the pilot episode Kabul's star, Yusef, (played by Scott Baio) sweet talks the local Taliban guards into letting him have a keg party, but things get out of hand when several girls at the bash get intoxicated and start flashing their ankles.

Ally McRehab: In a show derivative even by network standards, super-model turned actress Kate Moss stars as an emaciated lawyer surrounded by a revolving cast of mentally unstable characters. In the initial offering Moss is visited by an old flame, Johnny, (played by Jan-Michael Vincent) and is tempted to fling before she is sidetracked by her best friend, Gem's (played by Mariah Carey) nervous breakdown. Meanwhile, in a smoldering subplot, the firm's newest partner, Rex, (played by Dennis Rodman) tries to rest the firm away from its owner, Ian, (played by Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards). In an interesting sidebar, Anne Heche makes a guest appearance; she wasn't supposed to- she just wandered on.

I.U.D.(Investigative Unit Division): In an obvious attempt to cash in on the success of the crime drama C.S.I., this lightweight drama stars Valerie Bertinelli as Bobbi, a former stripper and tax auditor turned criminal profiler. When not busy solving grisly murders, Bobbi and her partner Snapper, (played by Patrick Duffy) blow off steam by wearing disguises and throwing eggs at cars. In the show's big hook, Bobbi gets inside the criminal's mind by sitting in a trailer, drinking beer and slapping around her boyfriend, Steed, (played by Pauly Shore) I.U.D.s first case to crack involves the murder of the wife of a former tv detective, Richard Slake, (played by Robert Blake). Sadly, the show had to be scrapped when Blake, as Slake, refused to talk to "detectives" even during filming.

Sag Harbor: In an ill-advised Baywatch ripoff, Abe Vigoda dons a Speedo starring as Corey Steadman, the head lifeguard at a retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida. When not performing the Heimlich maneuver or recharing pacemakers, Corey finds time to engage in compromising situations with his three scantily clad coworkers, Tawny, Brandi, and Savannah, (played by Bea Arthur, Shelley Winters and Carol Channing, respectively). In the pilot episode Corey feels threatened by the new boy toy on the beach, Skip, (played by Dick Clark) The show had to be called off when Vigoda badly bruised a hip during a love scene with Bea Arthur.

WB: Fresh Boys in the Crib: Former Different Stroker Gary Coleman stars as freakishly diminuitive fading rap star MC Ice, who returns to his hometown to care for his ailing mother, (played by LaWanda Paige) only to reignite a love affair with his high school sweatheart, Jessie, (played by Karen Valentine). Though dead game, the actors simply cannot overcome the weak script; oftening finishing sentences with such phrases as "blah, blah, blah," and "Cheese and crackers."

Star Trek, the Tired Generation: In a saga which should have ended at least ten years ago, the cast of the original Star Trek, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, James Doohan, (and the Chinese guy and the Russian guy and the black lady with the nice legs) reprise their roles as they search the galaxy for a planet that has reasonably priced early-bird specials and hotels that give a discount for AARP members. This time the crew of the Enterprise does most of its trip planning on Unfortunately, the show had to be dumped because the cast members kept wandering off the set.

JWR contributor Phil Perrier is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comic. Comment by clicking here.


09/25/01: What's important
09/20/01: A sleeping giant awakes

© 2001, Phil Perrier