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Jewish World Review March 20, 2003 / 16 Adar II, 5763

Phil Perrier

Phil Perrier
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Consumer Reports

Oscar, shmoscar: Exclusive insider Oscar skinny from Hollywood | As film fans know the Academy Awards that we see on television are merely the tip of the iceberg; the awards are actually an all day affair. The following are some of the categories you will not see, along with this reporter's uncanny predictions as to who will win them:

Best Performance In a Documentary: Michael Jackson, for his stunning portrayal of Michael Jackson in David Bashir's expose`. Who among us will ever forget Michael's candid confession that he has indeed had TWO plastic surgeries on his face. (not one as was previously believed) Or, Michael's fascinating revelation "Chimps love snacks."

Best Performance by an Actor Who is Criminally Insane: Robert Blake, in his interview with Barbara Walters. Okay, technically this was not a film but for sheer chutzpah Blake deserves to be recognized. Lets face it, he wasn't the only one choking up when he sang Daddy's Little Girl.

Best Career Turn Around: Julianne Moore, nominated for best actress less than two years after costarring with David "The Human Manniquin" Duchovny and Orlando Jones in Ivan Reitman's "Evolution"; a steaming pile of guano even by modern Hollywood standards.

Worst Eddie Murphy Movie: "Pluto Nash." Speaking of steaming piles. Think "Battlefield Earth" meets "The Golden Child." Lets hope Eddie sticks with what he's done best in recent years, being the voice of an irreverent donkey.

Best Actress to Soon Star in a Bad Sitcom: Kate Hudson. One or two more movies like "How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days" and Kate and Sandy Bullock will be duking it out for a developemental deal on UPN.

Best Actor Dating Out of his League: Josh Brolin, for squiring Diane Lane. But then Brolin was groomed for this, after all his dad, James Brolin, found time in his busy schedule of Aamco commercials to wed Barbara Streisand. Josh, in fairness, now stars in his own tv drama and looks like Robert Deniro compared to his old man.

Best Special Effects: Joan Rivers. Not to suggest Joan has had a lot of plastic surgery; Mellisa Rivers has had a lot of plastic surgery; Joan has been completely remodeled. Even Rivers' surgeon was overheard saying that Joan has had more parts replaced than a 1968 Buick Riviera.

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JWR contributor Phil Perrier is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comic. Comment by clicking here.


01/27/03: Nell Carter gave me a break
01/06/03: CLONE THIS! Why "Rael" wants to be Hef
12/12/02: Bigfoot: Myth or monster?
11/25/02: Wacko Jacko blows his stacko?
11/11/02: The "Toad Factor" --- proven yet again
08/19/02: In this game, nobody wants a souvenir!
08/08/02: Drawing the curtain on a 'forgiven' lifestyle
07/29/02: The end of the freak show?
07/03/02: Who died?
06/21/02: From death, life
04/09/02: Welcome back, Phil
03/21/02: The Hollywood Curmudgeon's Guide to the Oscars
02/15/02: Another piece of Americana bites the dust
01/18/02: I'M SPARTACUS!
12/31/01: Realistic New Year's resolutions
11/02/01: Return to narcissism with Emmys
10/19/01: White trash exchange program
10/01/01: A few shows that will not be on the fall lineup
09/25/01: What's important
09/20/01: A sleeping giant awakes

© 2003, Phil Perrier