Jewish World Review Dec. 31, 2001 / 16 Teves, 5762
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- WE all do it. We make great big ambitious New Year's resolutions; we are going to lose weight, stop smoking, start working out, stay on top of our finances and do all sorts of things that are completely out of character. Then, around January 3rd, it all goes down the drain and we are right back to being the same lazy bums we have always been.
It is as if we are trying to trick ourselves into being someone else; perhaps, we think our bodies and our brains will be so confused by the calendar change that they won't notice when we become wildly self assured and productive over night, despite a lifetime of relentless mediocrity.
Your internal organs huddle together and puzzle over your new found motivation:
Liver: When did this guy start jogging?
This year try making New Year's resolutions that take into account who you are.
Embrace yourself; even if you are embracing a sloth-like sofa barnicle. You may want to:
Drink More: This one makes sense, as it appears one's alcohol intake has a natural tendency to increase. Just as you grow your stock portfolio so too can you grow your ability to ingest intoxicants. You may notice your family withdrawing from you but then, they don't understand the pressure you are under. In the event of negative side affects such as jaundice, gout or divorce, you may want to taper your drinking down somewhat.
Gain Weight: This is a "no brainer." It's a simple law of nature, the older you get the fatter you become. So trying to lose weight as you grow older is not only unrealistic, it is also unnatural. Your body wants to get bigger. If you don't believe me, try fitting into those jeans in the back of your closet you still have from college, they won't even get past your knees. Then look at a picture of yourself from ten years ago, "My G-d, I was starving to death!" Exactly. So answer nature's call and hit the buffet, then hit it again, then have a little talk with Ben and Jerry when you get home.
Lose Hair: And you thought gaining weight was easy! Forget all those hair growth treatments, face baldness the old fashioned way, with a comb-over. Just grow your hair about a foot long on one side and comb like the wind my friend. Get creative, you can swirl it around in circles, you can create a waterfall or a swan or even a poodle. And don't let your receding mane get you down, while Mother Nature takes the hair from your head, she will bless you beyond your wildest expectations in other places, like your back, your ears and your nose.
There you have it, some heads up suggestions for a successful New Year. In parting, here are a few more you can try:
Take up smoking.
12/21/01: SAY IT AIN'T SO, GERALDO!