Am I overthinking slang?

As a writer, I can't deny harboring an appreciation for the richness of slang, metaphors, similes and colloquialisms.

And yet…there's something not quite rational about the agitators who force our language to evolve. ("Come on, participle! Crawl up on dry land! That gerund is beating you!")

There is an undisputed utility to manufactured terms such as "gerrymander," "carpetbagger" and "flyover country," but other linguistic innovations have been more frivolous. (Society's onetime fascination with "cutting a rug" and "bees' knees" did little to prevent the offshoring of textile jobs or our current pollination crisis, for example.)

The world has long needed more foster parents, a pathway to peace and a cure for cancer. Instead, we've had a procession of aspiration-challenged individuals who think they're due a Nobel Prize because they decided money should be "dough," coffee should be "Joe" and the word for a female dog desperately needed two syllables.

Self-restraint is a virtue, but we celebrate the anonymous linguistic philanthropist who whimpered, "Saying 'police officer' is so haaard. I've just got to say 'flatfoot.' Flatfoot flatfoot flatfoot — with a side of copper and fuzz!"

We just can't be satisfied. ("I've got magnificent Pacific waves, a top-of-the-line surfboard and a bevy of bikini-clad girls; but something is missing. 'Hang 10.' That's it! My life is complete. Wait…I didn't mean that literally. Quick! Somebody coin a nickname for sharks! Aiiiieeee!")

No wonder people try so hard to coin new words or phrases. The rest of us have always acted as enablers. ("Y'all ain't gonna believe this stuff! I was just down at the club and Slim made a movement to shake my hand and said …wait for it…'gimme five!' I'll always remember this day, just like I remember when Pres. McKinley was assassinated!")

In modern times we have had the legacy media (newspapers, TV, radio, the dark rings on wooly caterpillars) and social media for the swift dissemination of groundbreaking new figures of speech, but just think of how long our forebears had to wait for improvements.

Apparently there was a Johnny Appleseed of Slang who walked from hamlet to hamlet shouting, "Hear ye, hear ye! Scientists in Philadelphia have determined that the crookedness of an object can be measured against the curvature of a canine's hind leg."

I realize that cartoonists and jazz musicians have contributed a disproportionate amount of slang, but every subculture feels compelled to participate. ("You have a slightly enlarged left eyebrow, too? Let's form a society and develop our own secret language! 'Bad' will mean 'mediocre' and 'shoehorn' will mean 'myocardial infarction' and …")

We have convinced ourselves that civilizations such as the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Incas crumbled primarily because they did not have a word for "lickety-split" or "easy peasy."

Oh, but who am I to stand in the way of the progress of language?

Before any more word origins are lost to the mists of time, we need a new Cabinet-level department to honor our unsung heroes.

"Here's a mural of the first choir that was ever preached to."

"On this historic front porch, a heart was blessed for the first time."

"Please — refrain from using your cellphone at the Tomb of the Unknown Whippersnapper."

Dude! This child of the Sixties has produced yet another essay that is "right on!"

Or at least right on its way to the bottom of the birdcage.

*Sigh*

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Have you ever taken full responsibility?
• AAAAAY! Is Happy Days' really turning 50?
• Could you pass a citizenship test? really?
• Have you ever caused a scene?
• Should society slam on the brakes about this trend?
• Are you terrible at remembering names?
• Is this remnant of American culture doomed, y'all?
• Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?