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Jewish World Review Nov. 25, 2003 / 20 Kislev, 5762

Phil Perrier

Phil Perrier
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Consumer Reports

Wacko Jacko blows his stacko? | As news goes, it wasn't much. After all, we have snipers and terrorists and Saddam Hussein. But for a Michael Jackson story it was perfect: "Michael Jackson Dangles Baby from 4th Floor Balcony."

So odd, so senseless, so Michael. If Michael Jackson did not exist, tabloid writers would have to create him. In many ways they already have. For example a few years ago the British tabloids, for no apparent reason, began referring to Michael simply as "Jacko." Probably just so they could right headlines like "Jacko Catches Flacko!"

This latest incident will no doubt create tabloid grabbers like "Jacko Dangles Baby with no Slacko!"

And lets face it, dangling a baby from a balcony IS a little weird. Aside from the fact that the baby had a towel tied around his head. Already rumors are swirling that Michael offered the tike $30 million to keep his mouth shut.

A baby dangling controversy is the last thing Michael needs right now. His last album tanked; then he went on record as saying his record company failed to promote it and that the boss of the label is racist; and now he's being sued for $21 million for cancelling tour dates. And if that's not enough, it appears that after years of recreational plastic surgery, Michael has run out of skin on his nose.

The latest picture of Jackson on the witness stand reveals that a piece of cartilage is visible at the point of his nose. Which begs the question, why not use LaToya for spare parts?

Child experts are appearing on various talk shows and assessing Michael Jackson's parenting skills and opining on what a basket of freaks his offspring will become.

Actually, as freaky as Michael is it's very possible that his kids will rebel and wind up selling life insurance in Des Moines, Iowa. And even if they are a little warped, they will probably be fairly harmless.

While the children of Frank Sinatra and Judy Garland may be strange and jittery, at least they don't knock off liquor stores.

You can't really judge Michael Jackson by garden variety Joe Sixpack standards. Unless you sang on the Ed Sullivan Show at ten years old, there is almost no way to understand the surreal world of Michael Jackson.

However, when you juxtapose Jackson with other celebrities who grew up under the spotlight, he holds up reasonably well.

Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli, Mickey Rooney, Robert Blake... you see? All of the sudden Michael Jackson looks like Ozzie Nelson.

Is Michael Jackson nuts? YES!

And thank Heaven, otherwise we wouldn't have headlines like "Wacko Jacko Blows His Stacko!"

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JWR contributor Phil Perrier is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comic. Comment by clicking here.


11/11/02: The "Toad Factor" --- proven yet again
08/19/02: In this game, nobody wants a souvenir!
08/08/02: Drawing the curtain on a 'forgiven' lifestyle
07/29/02: The end of the freak show?
07/03/02: Who died?
06/21/02: From death, life
04/09/02: Welcome back, Phil
03/21/02: The Hollywood Curmudgeon's Guide to the Oscars
02/15/02: Another piece of Americana bites the dust
01/18/02: I'M SPARTACUS!
12/31/01: Realistic New Year's resolutions
11/02/01: Return to narcissism with Emmys
10/19/01: White trash exchange program
10/01/01: A few shows that will not be on the fall lineup
09/25/01: What's important
09/20/01: A sleeping giant awakes

© 2002, Phil Perrier