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Jewish World Review June 19, 2002 / 9 Tamuz, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Homeland security parking | The president's plan to restructure the government is one of the main subjects of conversation in the capital. The good news is that it will create a lot of new jobs for Washington. The bad news is that it will create a lot of new jobs for Washington.

One of the biggest concerns of putting so many of the agencies into a new Department of Homeland Security is that there will be turf wars between them. I take you now to the newly rented President George Bush building on Pennsylvania Avenue, which holds 179,000 employees.

An Immigration and Naturalization director comes into Gov. Ridge's office. He says, "Sir, I want to know why I didn't get the number one parking space in the building."

Ridge says, "That spot has already been reserved for the Coast Guard. They claim they are first to be prepared to fight the terrorists."

As the Immigration officer is making his case, an expert in biological weapons comes into the office.

He is furious and says, "Someone parked in my spot, A-12. I had to park in number 17. How do you expect us to protect everyone from an anthrax attack when I am in a corner of the garage?"

Gov. Ridge says to his aide, "Who is in the biological weapons space now?"

"The Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service."

"Well, move them down to D-42 and tell them if they don't park there they are going to be towed away."

The aide says, "The Customs people would like to be upgraded to A-2. They say the real threat to the country is smuggled weapons and they are the only ones who can find them."

Ridge says, "I promised A-2 to the FBI, but they said they won't come over here unless Mueller gets A-1."

The aide says, "The Secret Service also wants A-1 because they say they have to be ready to get out as soon as the president leaves the White House."

The governor says, "Let me look at the chart. Why don't we put FEMA in the basement at C-20? We can push them around. Let's put the Customs Department in C-21. And we'll put Nuclear Response in D-14."

"Do you think the CIA will want to park their cars in our garage?"

"They can't until they tell us what they are up to."

The aide says, "Paramount Pictures just called and said they're doing a movie on Homeland Security with Ben Affleck and Morgan Freeman. They said they are going to need 20 parking spaces for their equipment trucks and trailers for the stars."

"Why didn't you say that before? As soon as they arrive put all the security cars into the street. We need the film to show the country that we're doing a heckuva job."

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06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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