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Jewish World Review Feb. 26, 2001/ 3 Adar, 5761

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Consumer Reports

When is a shnorrer a gonif? -- BACK at Irving's delicatessen the high command sat at their usual table in the rear and opinions were being tossed around faster than the mustard for the pastrami sandwiches. Sam, who was the resident etymologist, held the floor.

"They're not shnorrers. A shnorrer is Milton, my brother-in-law who, when I'm good enough to lend him my car, complains if I don't also fill it up with gas. No, we are dealing here definitely with gonifs. The difference is simple. If, instead of borrowing my car, Milton stole it, like he does with the money I leave for the laundromat, he then would be a gonif. We are absolutely dealing with gonifs here -- gonifs from the major leagues. The Babe Ruths of gonifs"

The circle of elderly Jews at the table nodded their heads in agreement -- even Sam, the Clintons' biggest supporter. Sam's wife Sadie was in love with the Clintons, but she now has turned against them, which meant that Sam was free to join in the chorus at the delicatessen. Sam, unfortunately, is unable to take a position unless Sadie gives him the OK.

Usually the crowd doesn't talk about anybody until they leave the table, but since there was little likelihood that the Clintons would come to the table, especially if they had to pay for their own pastrami sandwiches, it was now open season on them.

Benny, who was always on the borderline about the Clintons, was similarly outraged. "So what if they took some napkins, maybe even a few pillow cases when they left the White House, a towel here and there and some of those little jars of jam that they give you at breakfast, but to send out a $200,000 dollar list of housewarming presents -- what chutzpah."

Nate, the newspaper tycoon, until he sold his stand, was the resident economist. "It's all a question of capitalism. You take one thing in exchange for another. Mrs. Rich gives about $2 million to Clinton causes, and her husband, one of the biggest crooks in history, is pardoned, while half the law enforcement people in the United States are trying to capture him, and before Clinton even lets his own Justice Department know he's going to do it."

"Wait a minute," says Irving, waiving the New York Times, "let's be fair. Clinton said the money he received had nothing to do with it." He read, "Other friends and financial supporters sought pardons," which he did not grant.

Benny, waiving a pickle at him, "Irving what kind of a jerk are you? If a guy robs your house and they catch him, does he have an excuse if he says, 'But look at all the other houses on the block that I didn't rob?'" Benny snatched up the newspaper and continued reading from Clinton's statement, "'The case for pardons was reviewed and advocated by my former White House Counsel Jack Quinn.' Clinton also says that two law professors supported his pardon. The two professors were paid $100,000 dollars for their work by Clinton lawyers. Irving, let me ask you another question. Quinn is the fugitive Rich's lawyer, isn't he? Let's say you buy a night of pleasure from Dora with the red hair, down the block, and you ask her if you are good-looking, what do you think she would say?"

Irving said they should make a movie about this.

Benny said they did. It was called Bonnie and Clyde.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.


01/31/01: The Israeli Harry Truman
01/11/01: When was the last time that Clinton tried to pose as a statesman and harass other leaders to give up more of their territory?
12/29/00: Orchids or Stinkweeds
12/15/00: The Florida "mess" as a religious experience ... for some of us
11/20/00: Dailey deceptions
11/07/00: The art of lying
10/31/00: The only effective way to clean up American politics
10/24/00: PLEASE, Mr. Mugger
10/10/00: Lieber(al)man creates new Jewish denomination
10/03/00: Space invaders
09/12/00: A Delicatessen Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand (with apologies to A. Lincoln)
08/23/00: Life's certainties
07/31/00: AlGore needs a doctor --- badly!
07/03/00: Only a coincidence?
06/01/00: Can a liberal make sense?
06/02/00: Never give a GOPer a break
05/17/00: Computers, OY VEY!
05/02/00: Cuba si, Castro nu
04/17/00: Gen. Kennedy for Commander-in-Chief
04/06/00: Guns, hypocrisy and common sense
03/31/00: What's sleazier than a lawyer?
03/23/00: Clinton the 3-D Man
03/10/00: Politics or Pro Wrestling?
02/28/00: Free advice to the pundits: Get a life --- and new jobs
02/14/00: She Flunked!

© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. A version of this article first appeared in The American Spectator