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Jewish World Review April 17, 2000/ 12 Nissan, 5760

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Gen. Kennedy for Commander-in-Chief -- TOUGH! FIERCE! BRAVE! Fearless! That's how we want our generals to be. We want General Patton and what do we get: General Kennedy. Somebody made a pass at Claudia Kennedy, the Army's first three-star general, in 1996. Apparently, it traumatized her so much, over the next four years that she couldn't do anything about it until now, when she lodged a complaint against the person who had had the nerve to be low enough to do such a terrible thing. If the perpetrator's memory is as bad as his eyesight must have been in 1996, he probably doesn't even remember one forward pass out of four years' worth of football games.

The obvious question arises: If a general was so injured because somebody may have given her an affectionate pat, that it took her four years to figure out what to do about it, what would have happened if the Russians had attacked us? The Chinese are a very polite race. If they would have attacked us they would have given General Kennedy enough time to put on her lipstick and straighten the seams of her stockings before she went out to do battle. But if it had been the Russians, it would have been another story. The Russians are such lowlifes that they wouldn't even give a girl enough time to throw on something simple but chic.

If the Army wants to charge the officer with the poor eyesight who was doing field maneuvers with his fingers on Kennedy's back with sexual harassment, it seems to us that they have a problem both legally and logically. The Commander-In-Chief, boss of both Kennedy and the officer she accused, has already defined "sexual harassment."

Clinton told women to look at, handle, and have a taste testing of his better half, while smoking a cigar that had a peculiar after taste. He also groped women and guided their hands so that they could examine the merchandise. Yet, he unequivocally demonstrated why all of this did not constitute "harassment" since, as he explained, the words "is" and "here" did not mean what everybody for the last two thousand years thought they meant, and if he didn't move and the girl did, or if she enjoyed herself while he was just looking at the scenery, or if he was standing up or sitting down or she was wearing a beret, it clearly made a difference. Not only did it make a difference, but it was really he who was the victim, and the girls were all stalkers. To make matters even worse, the Secret Service who was able to protect him from guns, bombs, and assassins, was unable to protect him from a 19-year-old fat Jewish girl with a beret from Beverly Hills.

If the popularity of Clinton -- after all that was demonstrated in the impeachment hearings, the Paula Jones case and the revelations of poor Kathleen Willey -- is any indicator of what the public's reactions to General Claudia Kennedy's accusations would be, the officer she accused will absolutely end up being elected President. Then General Kennedy will end up working for the man she accused, unless she decides to sexually harass him, and then, by Clinton's example, Kennedy would be so popular that she could be elected Commander-in Chief, and finally be in a position to send the person she originally accused to the firing squad.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.


04/06/00: Guns, hypocrisy and common sense
03/31/00: What's sleazier than a lawyer?
03/23/00: Clinton the 3-D Man
03/10/00: Politics or Pro Wrestling?
02/28/00: Free advice to the pundits: Get a life --- and new jobs
02/14/00: She Flunked!

© 2000, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. This article first appeared in The American Spectator online