Jewish World Review June 9, 2004 / 20 Sivan, 5764
Stars in pain
Usually, Media Person's award-seeking feature, Media Person Answers Your
Inane Questions Before You Can Even Ask Them, gives ordinary, humble readers like
yourself a chance to find out from a media giant and power broker like Media
Person what's really going on out there. But this time, unfortunately, so many
questions have poured in from confused and upset stars that queries from the
lower orders must be bumped. MP trusts you will accept the slight without
complaint, understanding, as we all do, that celebrities always come first.
I haven't gotten around to reading that long editor's note in the Times
explaining how we at the paper heroically went about revealing the existence of
weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but my sources tell me I came out looking
great. Do you think I'll win a Pulitzer? J. Miller
Actually, Media Person may not be the greatest judge of these things. Last
year, for instance, he was sure that Jayson Blair's profile of Stephen Glass
would cop a Pulitzer or two. But rest assured, there is tremendous buzz about you
all over the place and that can only work to your advantage.
Some of the gaffers and grips on the set have been arguing about who would've
won a duel with Greco-Roman-style short swords, me or Kirk Douglas. Kirk was
great against the big black guy with the net but frankly, my drachma are on
me. I'd appreciate your view. B. Pitt
Well, let's see, Achilles had speed and was beloved of the gods but Spartacus
did all those aerobics and pontius pilates in the gladiator gym. OK, it says
here Achilles takes Spartacus in three rounds IF you can keep his backhand
away from your heel…but frankly, Russell Crowe would've cleaned both your
Man, I worked my a-- off to play Ike. Even shaved off my beautiful hair! And
all the smoking almost asphyxiated me. But everybody said it was boring.
What's a guy have to do to get a good word from the critics, anyway, win World War
II? T. Selleck
Media Person sympathizes, Tom. The critics didn't get it. In truth, Ike was a
really boring guy that's why he kept all those colorful people like
Churchill, Patton and DeGaulle around, to provide charisma--and yours was the most
accurate portrayal ever done. Chin up, old boy; a true artist must suffer for his
Andrea and I went to see that global-warming disaster flick just for some
light-hearted entertainment, you know, get away from the pressure of work. So
there's this scene where the heroes have to make a fire of library books to
survive the new ice age and one of them says, "Hey, use these books over
here they're on tax law!" Big yuk, right? Everyone laughs. Well, let me tell you
something. Tax law is the foundation of our prosperity. That's nothing to laugh
about. A. Greenspan
Well, it could have been worse. Originally the scene was set in a federal
reserve bank and the survivors burned dollars. But the producers feared that
would be condemned as obscene by the Department of Homeland Security.
Why do my fellow liberals all heap ridicule and contumely upon my hapless
head? Darn it, I am not just a stooge for beloved broadcasting icon Sean Hannity.
I'm a very forceful and articulate spokesperson for the liberal cause and my
feelings are hurt. A. Colmes
Perhaps, but in a duel with Greco-Roman-style short swords, Ann Coulter would
rip your heart out in an instant and then feed your stinking entrails to the
JWR contributor Media Person -- a.k.a Lewis Grossberger -- is a columnist for Media Week. Comment by clicking here.
04/22/04: Planet of the Hats
02/23/04: Oscar de la Rentals
02/05/04: Mr. Obnoxiousz
11/05/03: Tina "Ms. Buzz" Brown is Baaaack!
10/03/03: Cops & docs in love
09/05/03: How'd You Doodad?
08/13/03: Go West, Old Viewer
07/01/03: Nuts and Nutserer: Sometimes there's a fine line between heroism and lunacy
06/17/03: Buy, yes, but read?
06/11/03: Queasy Rider
05/28/03: How Hip Is Hop?
05/14/03: Will endorse for food
05/06/03: Kick this sick shtick
04/16/03: Important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media
03/25/03: To go or not to go
03/12/03: How to talk war talk
03/04/03: Two master debaters
02/26/03: The Miracle Continues: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
02/19/03: Yanking the Franks
02/05/03: LET MY LETTERS GO!
01/28/03: Into the Pity Pit
01/15/03: Not My Cup of Joe
01/09/03: It was back in '03
12/17/02: Did you get taken?
12/05/02: Mathers of importance
© 2004, Lewis Grossberger