Jewish World Review June 9, 2004 / 20 Sivan, 5764

Media Person

Media Person
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Consumer Reports

Stars in pain | Usually, Media Person's award-seeking feature, Media Person Answers Your Inane Questions Before You Can Even Ask Them, gives ordinary, humble readers like yourself a chance to find out from a media giant and power broker like Media Person what's really going on out there. But this time, unfortunately, so many questions have poured in from confused and upset stars that queries from the lower orders must be bumped. MP trusts you will accept the slight without complaint, understanding, as we all do, that celebrities always come first.

I haven't gotten around to reading that long editor's note in the Times explaining how we at the paper heroically went about revealing the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but my sources tell me I came out looking great. Do you think I'll win a Pulitzer? — J. Miller

Actually, Media Person may not be the greatest judge of these things. Last year, for instance, he was sure that Jayson Blair's profile of Stephen Glass would cop a Pulitzer or two. But rest assured, there is tremendous buzz about you all over the place and that can only work to your advantage.

Some of the gaffers and grips on the set have been arguing about who would've won a duel with Greco-Roman-style short swords, me or Kirk Douglas. Kirk was great against the big black guy with the net but frankly, my drachma are on me. I'd appreciate your view. — B. Pitt

Well, let's see, Achilles had speed and was beloved of the gods but Spartacus did all those aerobics and pontius pilates in the gladiator gym. OK, it says here Achilles takes Spartacus in three rounds — IF you can keep his backhand away from your heel…but frankly, Russell Crowe would've cleaned both your sundials.

Man, I worked my a-- off to play Ike. Even shaved off my beautiful hair! And all the smoking almost asphyxiated me. But everybody said it was boring. What's a guy have to do to get a good word from the critics, anyway, win World War II? — T. Selleck

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Media Person sympathizes, Tom. The critics didn't get it. In truth, Ike was a really boring guy — that's why he kept all those colorful people like Churchill, Patton and DeGaulle around, to provide charisma--and yours was the most accurate portrayal ever done. Chin up, old boy; a true artist must suffer for his art.

Andrea and I went to see that global-warming disaster flick just for some light-hearted entertainment, you know, get away from the pressure of work. So there's this scene where the heroes have to make a fire of library books to survive the new ice age and one of them says, "Hey, use these books over here — they're on tax law!" Big yuk, right? Everyone laughs. Well, let me tell you something. Tax law is the foundation of our prosperity. That's nothing to laugh about. — A. Greenspan

Well, it could have been worse. Originally the scene was set in a federal reserve bank and the survivors burned dollars. But the producers feared that would be condemned as obscene by the Department of Homeland Security.

Why do my fellow liberals all heap ridicule and contumely upon my hapless head? Darn it, I am not just a stooge for beloved broadcasting icon Sean Hannity. I'm a very forceful and articulate spokesperson for the liberal cause and my feelings are hurt. — A. Colmes

Perhaps, but in a duel with Greco-Roman-style short swords, Ann Coulter would rip your heart out in an instant and then feed your stinking entrails to the jackals.

JWR contributor Media Person -- a.k.a Lewis Grossberger -- is a columnist for Media Week. Comment by clicking here.


04/22/04: Planet of the Hats
02/23/04: Oscar de la Rentals
02/05/04: Mr. Obnoxiousz
11/26/03: FranksGiving
11/05/03: Tina "Ms. Buzz" Brown is Baaaack!
10/03/03: Cops & docs in love
09/05/03: How'd You Doodad?
08/13/03: Go West, Old Viewer
07/01/03: Nuts and Nutserer: Sometimes there's a fine line between heroism and lunacy
06/17/03: Buy, yes, but read?
06/11/03: Queasy Rider
05/28/03: How Hip Is Hop?
05/14/03: Will endorse for food
05/06/03: Kick this sick shtick
04/16/03: Important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media
03/25/03: To go or not to go
03/12/03: How to talk war talk
03/04/03: Two master debaters
02/26/03: The Miracle Continues: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
02/19/03: Yanking the Franks
02/05/03: LET MY LETTERS GO!
01/28/03: Into the Pity Pit
01/15/03: Not My Cup of Joe
01/09/03: It was back in '03
12/17/02: Did you get taken?
12/05/02: Mathers of importance

© 2004, Lewis Grossberger