Jewish World Review Feb. 5, 2004 / 13 Shevat, 5764
This Traffic business just keeps getting worse and worse. every year they
have to make a new version, the situation is so awful. When the thing started,
on the BBC, (then titled, for some unknown reason, Traffik) it was just drugs
moving around the world. Now it's everything: smallpox- germ terror, illegal
aliens, plutonium, sex slaves, radioactive goblins, God knows what. And the
money is corrupting everybody and everything everywhere. In every single version,
the corruption reaches right into some clean-cut, upscale family in the
suburbs that you'd never suspect would be connected to dope growers in Afghanistan
or Cambodia or Colombia or whatever Third World hellhole is being played by
Toronto this time around.
That's the point. None of us is safe from traffic, not even Donald Rumsfeld,
even though he probably thinks he is. Traffic is taking over the world. The
forces of law and order are overwhelmed. Eventually it could even reach the poor
innocent schoolteacher on My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. Her fake fiancÚ could
start smoking hashish at the wedding rehearsal and really freak out her
family. Then Joe Pantoliano would have to rush in and bust the whole bunch of them.
Frankly, this Traffic situation is too much for Media Person to cope with.
It's giving him a nervous breakdown.
He tries to relax by watching Trump. You know, Trump really wanted to star in
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, as he was perfect for the part, but it was
already cast so he settled for The Apprentice. This was very gracious of Trump
because he would not be playing the title role.
Media Person read somewhere that the Trump boardroom, where he fires somebody
every week, isn't even the real Trump boardroom. The producers built one to
order just for the show. What's wrong with the real room? Media Person demands
authenticity in his fake reality shows.
And a bigger question: why does the fired kid always slink away so timidly,
pathetically schlepping his wheelie bag 167 flights down to a waiting taxi?
Wouldn't a real go-getter prove his toughness by vaulting across the polished
mahogany table, seizing Trump by the throat and shouting, "Either I win the job
or you die!"? Isn't that exactly the kind of kid Trump wants to carry on his
distinguished legacy? That's what Media Person would do, anyway. Vault across
Joe Esterhasz, too. When it comes to over-aggressive, overweening,
overwhelming, utterly appalling obnoxiousness, Joe E. will not be outdone. Do not even
try. Just gaze upon his picture in the newspaper and you already want to kill
him, before you've even read about his latest atrocity. Look at that ugly mug!
Every time he shows up in the news, the nation screams as one, "What an
asshole!" That would have been Michiko Kakutani's lead on her review of Esterhasz'
new book, but the Times copy desk crossed it out.
Esterhasz' new book is about Esterhasz, the world's greatest screenwriter,
according to Esterhasz. Anyone who wrote Showgirls should not only never utter
or write another word but also spend the rest of his life in a monastery
sleeping in a hair shirt, scourging himself with a cat-o'-nine-tails every day
until he bleeds and begging for forgiveness on a bullhorn.
Instead of firing some poor young schlubs who have not yet attained their
full obnoxiousness (though most of the them seem well on their way), we ought to
have Trump drag people like Joe Esterhasz into his fake boardroom and remove
them from public life. "You're exiled!" he would shout if Media Person were
running things. And Joe Esterhasz would trudge down to the taxi, wheelie bag in
hand. And disappear forever.
As for the business tyros on The Apprentice, they would be sent out to make
it in the real world cutting deals with Afghan tribesmen to smuggle heroin over
the Khyber Pass. Or bringing container-loads of illegal immigrants into U.S.
ports aboard rusting Liberian freighters. Never mind selling lemonade.
Meanwhile cadet DEA agents under the tutelage of Mariska Hargitay and David Caruso
would be dispatched to intercept them. Why isn't Media Person being allowed to
run the TV networks? You must e-mail your political, business and religious
leaders immediately and demand that this be done.
And Media Person doesn't know why people keep writing articles making fun of
Trump's hair. Let Media Person tell you something: His hair is not the problem.
Oh and one other thing: Media Person lied before. If he were fired, he wouldn't vault across the table and grab Trump by the throat, despite Trump's richly deserving it. Actually MP would go home and become suicidal and weep and narcotize himself with more television. It was just some moment of false bravado that seized him there. He is very sorry. It won't happen again.