Jewish World Review Feb. 5, 2004 / 13 Shevat, 5764

Media Person

Media Person
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Consumer Reports

Mr. Obnoxiousz | This Traffic business just keeps getting worse and worse. every year they have to make a new version, the situation is so awful. When the thing started, on the BBC, (then titled, for some unknown reason, Traffik) it was just drugs moving around the world. Now it's everything: smallpox- germ terror, illegal aliens, plutonium, sex slaves, radioactive goblins, God knows what. And the money is corrupting everybody and everything everywhere. In every single version, the corruption reaches right into some clean-cut, upscale family in the suburbs that you'd never suspect would be connected to dope growers in Afghanistan or Cambodia or Colombia or whatever Third World hellhole is being played by Toronto this time around.

That's the point. None of us is safe from traffic, not even Donald Rumsfeld, even though he probably thinks he is. Traffic is taking over the world. The forces of law and order are overwhelmed. Eventually it could even reach the poor innocent schoolteacher on My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. Her fake fiancÚ could start smoking hashish at the wedding rehearsal and really freak out her family. Then Joe Pantoliano would have to rush in and bust the whole bunch of them. Frankly, this Traffic situation is too much for Media Person to cope with. It's giving him a nervous breakdown.

He tries to relax by watching Trump. You know, Trump really wanted to star in My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, as he was perfect for the part, but it was already cast so he settled for The Apprentice. This was very gracious of Trump because he would not be playing the title role.

Media Person read somewhere that the Trump boardroom, where he fires somebody every week, isn't even the real Trump boardroom. The producers built one to order just for the show. What's wrong with the real room? Media Person demands authenticity in his fake reality shows.

And a bigger question: why does the fired kid always slink away so timidly, pathetically schlepping his wheelie bag 167 flights down to a waiting taxi? Wouldn't a real go-getter prove his toughness by vaulting across the polished mahogany table, seizing Trump by the throat and shouting, "Either I win the job or you die!"? Isn't that exactly the kind of kid Trump wants to carry on his distinguished legacy? That's what Media Person would do, anyway. Vault across the table.

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Joe Esterhasz, too. When it comes to over-aggressive, overweening, overwhelming, utterly appalling obnoxiousness, Joe E. will not be outdone. Do not even try. Just gaze upon his picture in the newspaper and you already want to kill him, before you've even read about his latest atrocity. Look at that ugly mug! Every time he shows up in the news, the nation screams as one, "What an asshole!" That would have been Michiko Kakutani's lead on her review of Esterhasz' new book, but the Times copy desk crossed it out.

Esterhasz' new book is about Esterhasz, the world's greatest screenwriter, according to Esterhasz. Anyone who wrote Showgirls should not only never utter or write another word but also spend the rest of his life in a monastery sleeping in a hair shirt, scourging himself with a cat-o'-nine-tails every day until he bleeds and begging for forgiveness on a bullhorn.

Instead of firing some poor young schlubs who have not yet attained their full obnoxiousness (though most of the them seem well on their way), we ought to have Trump drag people like Joe Esterhasz into his fake boardroom and remove them from public life. "You're exiled!" he would shout if Media Person were running things. And Joe Esterhasz would trudge down to the taxi, wheelie bag in hand. And disappear forever.

As for the business tyros on The Apprentice, they would be sent out to make it in the real world — cutting deals with Afghan tribesmen to smuggle heroin over the Khyber Pass. Or bringing container-loads of illegal immigrants into U.S. ports aboard rusting Liberian freighters. Never mind selling lemonade. Meanwhile cadet DEA agents under the tutelage of Mariska Hargitay and David Caruso would be dispatched to intercept them. Why isn't Media Person being allowed to run the TV networks? You must e-mail your political, business and religious leaders immediately and demand that this be done.

And Media Person doesn't know why people keep writing articles making fun of Trump's hair. Let Media Person tell you something: His hair is not the problem.

Oh and one other thing: Media Person lied before. If he were fired, he wouldn't vault across the table and grab Trump by the throat, despite Trump's richly deserving it. Actually MP would go home and become suicidal and weep and narcotize himself with more television. It was just some moment of false bravado that seized him there. He is very sorry. It won't happen again.

JWR contributor Media Person -- a.k.a Lewis Grossberger -- is a columnist for Media Week. Comment by clicking here.


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10/03/03: Cops & docs in love
09/05/03: How'd You Doodad?
08/13/03: Go West, Old Viewer
07/01/03: Nuts and Nutserer: Sometimes there's a fine line between heroism and lunacy
06/17/03: Buy, yes, but read?
06/11/03: Queasy Rider
05/28/03: How Hip Is Hop?
05/14/03: Will endorse for food
05/06/03: Kick this sick shtick
04/16/03: Important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media
03/25/03: To go or not to go
03/12/03: How to talk war talk
03/04/03: Two master debaters
02/26/03: The Miracle Continues: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
02/19/03: Yanking the Franks
02/05/03: LET MY LETTERS GO!
01/28/03: Into the Pity Pit
01/15/03: Not My Cup of Joe
01/09/03: It was back in '03
12/17/02: Did you get taken?
12/05/02: Mathers of importance

© 2002, Lewis Grossberger