Jewish World Review Jan. 9, 2003 / 6 Shevat, 5763
It was back in '03
So here it is then: 2003, assuming the newspapers have it right. Luckily, Media Person can foresee this year in its entirety. Scan the following, and you can just skip right to 2004.
-- Kelsey Grammer is so ridiculous playing George Washington in A&E's Benedict Arnold that he becomes the first actor ever jailed and tortured on orders of the Supreme Court.
-- A weird, television-obsessed cult announces it has successfully cloned Geraldo Rivera.
-- Leonardo DiCaprio quits show biz to become a cobbler's apprentice to Daniel Day-Lewis.
-- North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il gets a total makeover after learning that the U.S. refuses to take his nuclear crisis seriously due to his goofy appearance. After he loses 40 pounds and grows a big, black mustache that looks really scary, President Bush finally responds, threatening an invasion unless U.N. personnel are allowed to inspect the mustache.
-- A mass outbreak of vomiting sweeps the U.S. Officials fear a terrorist plot, but it turns out to have been caused by people watching a particularly rancid stunt on Jackass.
-- Director Baz Lurhmann announces he will direct Wagner's Lord of the Ring Cycle, the first opera with kick-ass special effects. Eminem signs on to play Wotan the Rappin' Hobbit (Or possibly Wotan the Hoppin' Rabbit, MP isn't sure).
-- The Bush Administration abolishes the IRS. The U.S. economy has greatly improved, the President says, though, unfortunately, 20 million are laid off this month and GE files for bankruptcy.
-- North Korea invades Iraq, claiming Saddam Hussein is "a puppet of the evil Americans and is copying our Dear Leader's mustache." U.S. forces are dispatched to defend Iraq from the North Koreans.
--Deciding that it's pretentious to have only one name, Moby announces that henceforth he will be called by his full name, Moby Dick.
-- At the last moment, North Korea pulls back from Iraq after discovering how hot and sandy it is there and begins threatening Switzerland.
-- Us Weekly removes all words from the magazine. Circulation soars 63 percent.
-- Tony Soprano surprises viewers of The Sopranos when in the season premiere, after shooting Carmela, Meadow and Tony Jr., he runs away with Dr. Melfi to South America. Executive producer David Chase explains, "I'm kind of bored with the whole mob thing. From now on, the show focuses on whether Artie Bucco can make a go of his new restaurant in Tribeca."
-- A very strict judge sentences Martha Stewart to repaint Attica with a toothbrush after she is cleared of inside-trader allegations but convicted on a lesser charge of "uppitatious bitchony".
-- Spike Jonze's Adaptation II opens to rave reviews (except for Rex Reed, who says it "gave me diarrhea"). The plot revolves around the efforts of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Nicolas Cage again) to figure out how write a sequel to a movie about him trying to write a movie.
-- New York Times ethicist Randy Cohen is beaten to death by militants from an inconsiderate-people's-rights group enraged by his ruling that one should never talk loudly on one's cell phone during funeral services and certain kinds of surgery.
-- North Korea announces it has successfully cloned Kim Jong Il and that from now on, any form of reproduction not utilizing genes from the Dear Leader is illegal. August is canceled due to low ratings.
-- 60 Minutes producer Don Hewitt's body is cryogenically frozen by his children despite his protests that he isn't dead yet and in fact is trying to put out this week's show.
-- Manolo Blahnik takes up acting.
-- CBS's long-awaited new series Young Hitler debuts amid much controversy. Critics praise its historical authenticity, though some question the accuracy of the bar mitzvah scene.
-- An agreement signed by the major Hollywood studios pledges that in order to avoid offending powerful, belligerent nations or groups with potential nuclear capability, screen evildoers will no longer be portrayed as North Koreans or Islamic terrorists but instead will hail from either Botswana or Greenland.
-- The National Institute for Redundantly Obvious Health Pronouncements announces that a long and expensive scientific study has found that smoking, drinking too much and overeating are bad for you, while exercise, eating vegetables, hugging and breathing are good for you.
-- Breaking down under ferocious questioning by Connie Chung, Ozzy Osbourne confesses that every second of The Osbournes has been scripted and rehearsed and that those weirdos aren't his family at all but hired actors. Actually, he has no children, wife or dog and lives alone in a small, dark, rented room.
-- President Bush announces a zero-tolerance policy toward Paul Krugman. Bombing of The New York Times begins after Krugman attacks Condoleezza Rice's new hairdo as "a lie from start to finish."
-- Pete Rose bets a friend he'll be allowed to return to baseball.
-- New York's Museum of Sex is rocked by a major scandal after its director admits that he was lying about having affairs with married women and seducing underage girls and boys, when all along he was faithful to his wife.
-- There are five libelous mistakes in this column. Can you find them? First person to do so wins a free, all-expense-paid trip to Pyongyang.
JWR contributor Media Person -- a.k.a Lewis Grossberger -- is a columnist for Media Week. Comment by clicking here.
12/17/02: Did you get taken?
12/05/02: Mathers of importance
© 2002, Lewis Grossberger