Jewish World Review May 16, 2003 / 14 Iyar, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports

Busted for Oreos! | Add Oreos to the list of things that threaten children. An attorney in San Francisco has. He's brought a lawsuit to ban the sale of Oreos to children because the cookies contain hydrogenated vegetable oil. Yesterday McDonalds, today Oreos. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

If the courts ban Oreos, I fear there are going to be a lot of unpleasant scenes like the following:

A knock at the door. "Hello, Mrs. Johnson. We are the fat police." "Oh, you shouldn't talk about yourselves like that. You might be packin' a few jelly donuts around the mid-section, but you absolutely are not fat."

"No, Mrs. Johnson we're not fat police, we're the police who hunt down fat. We're responding to a call to the tip line, 1-800-OREOS-KILL. A caller said that you are providing minors with contraband. May we come in or do we need to get a search warrant?"

"A warrant isn't necessary," Mrs. Johnson says, licking the corners of her mouth. "I'd never keep Oreos in the house with children - at least not without a trigger lock."

" Do you mind if we take a look in your kitchen?"

"Go ahead" she says, gesturing to her 5- and 7-year-olds hiding behind the door to brush off their chins.

The search team opens cupboard doors, dumps drawers and rifles through the freezer. One of them opens the refrigerator and pulls out a glass of milk. "How do you explain this, Mrs. Johnson?"


"These dark crumbs floating in this two percent."

"'Well, I, ah, uh, I, I don't know how those got there."

"Come on Johnson, how did these crumbs get in the milk?"

Mrs. Johnson begins to cry.

"We're going to have to call S.C.I."

"Special Crimes Investigation?" Mrs. Johnson asks.

"No, Special Cookies Investigation."

S.C.I. arrives and begins dusting for crumbs when a junior technician shouts, "We've got a live one, sergeant! This is no ordinary crumb, it's a double stuff crumb."

The fat police and S.C.I. team gasp in disbelief.

"Mrs. Johnson, do you know what the penalty for double stuff is?

It's double stiff. That's right, Mrs. Johnson, double stuff'll get you double stiff. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I don't know how those got there. Maybe the children got them from a dealer in the park or on the playground at school. Or from their Grandma! It's a set-up, I tell you."

Mrs. Johnson, don't think we didn't see that cellophane wrapper in the trash. The UPC code is already on the way to foresncis on the way to forensics right now.We've got enough circumstantial evidence to take you in. You have the right to remain silent. Any Oreos we find, can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, Nabsico may wish to appoint you one."

"But I'm a good mother," Mrs. Johnson sobs. "They children eat fruits and vegetables. They wear bike helmets. They take vitamins, they use SPF 15 sunblock and never talk to strangers."

"You let them eat Oreos, Mrs. Johnson! How could you? Search the upstairs team. I bet we'll find Happy Meal toys under the beds."

"Would you like to make a statement, Mrs. Johnson?"

"Moderation in all things?"

"Try again, lady," the officer say.

"A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo first, and save the chocolate cookie outside for last?"

"She's delusional," says the sergeant. "Another one going for the hydrogenated vegetable oil defense. Book her."

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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© 2001, Lori Borgman