Jewish World Review April 11, 2003 / 9 Nisan, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports

Husband snoring: Hit or mist | I'm married to a man who snores. That's such an understatement, it's almost as bad as the Lamaze instructor who looked me in the eyes and said, "Childbirth sometimes causes a little discomfort." I should have slapped her.

My husband's snoring has been known to frighten small children throughout our entire subdivision. Five years ago the homes association presented us with a petition from the neighbors asking that we sleep with our windows shut year-round. I have but a faint memory of the robin's early morning song.

The last time we went to Colorado, a herd of mountain goats mysteriously stampeded, and an avalanche took the locals by surprise. Nobody had a clue as to what triggered these freaks of nature. I knew what caused them. The cause was right beside me sawing logs on the extra-firm queen-size pillow.

You try sleeping next to the man. Imagine a chainsaw right beside your ear. Now pipe it through those fancy schmancy speakers your teen-age son attached to his boom box, and you're close. And that's just what his light-sleep snore sounds like.

I've tried rustling him out of a snore by slamming my pillow in six different directions, jostling the bed, shaking the mattress and rolling him over on his side. When particularly irritable, I've even tried rolling him off the bed and onto the floor.

Sometimes he wakes himself up with his own racket. He says I should just kick him when he snores. Kicking seems like such a violation of the marriage covenant. I mean, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in snoring and in peace. I can't kick. But maybe I could mist.

Mist? I've got it right here, a full-page magazine ad that says, "Wife shoots husband and rests in peace." She shot him with a snore-extinguisher mist. It's a little black and orange can with a long yellow nozzle on top. You simply spray this homeopathic concoction into the mouth of a snoring person, to wit, the husband, and the snoring subsides. What am I thinking? I can't mist the guy when he's out cold.

Then again, the leaflet says the mist is not sticky or tingly. The leaflet encourages misting snorers while they sleep. Still, there are logistical problems.

How do I get my snorer's mouth open wide enough to hit the target? I'd have to grab his head, twist it into a secure hold, pull his chin down and then prop open his mouth. With what? Maybe a small picture frame or the remote control from the bedside table.

Assuming I can get his head stationary and his mouth wide open, I'm going to need some light to see that I shoot the mist in his mouth, not up his nose. If I drop the industrial-grade flashlight, the weight of those D batteries could leave nasty bruises, which could lead to questions, not to mention considerable pain.

If I use one hand to secure his head and prop open his mouth, steady the flashlight between my chin and shoulder, and use my other hand to operate the snore extinguisher, it might just work. Still, it doesn't seem right to mist a fellow in his sleep without a little forewarning.

"Honey, you'll notice on my bedside table, in addition to the alarm clock, books, the remote control and pictures of the children, I have a small red and yellow extinguisher that I may periodically mist you with throughout the night. It's for snoring. Don't worry about a thing; it will all be fine.

"Although you may feel a little discomfort."

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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© 2001, Lori Borgman