Jewish World Review June 28, 2002 / 18 Tamuz, 5762

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports

One perfect day | Thirty minutes before the alarm went off, I awoke feeling refreshed and revitalized. I made my way to the bathroom, where the towels smelled fresh, not mildewy. Hot water was in ample supply and the radio news didn't have a single murder to report overnight.

Once I got downstairs, I found someone had already brought in the newspaper, opened it to the funnies and the Jumble and left a freshly sharpened pencil nearby. There was a fresh pot of coffee and almond poppy seed scones, still warm from the oven, sitting on the kitchen table.

After leisurely reading the paper, I stuck my head out the window (no haze, no humidity, no pollen) and saw that the tomato vines were heavy with fruit. The clover and violets that had been crowding the lawn had disappeared overnight.

As I left the house for an appointment, road construction that has clogged traffic on our nearby thoroughfare for weeks was in full swing. The flagman stopped traffic in every direction, waved me through and radioed ahead so I didn't have a single delay for two miles.

My appointment, a committee meeting, lasted less than 10 minutes. The committee chair offered a motion recognizing that most meetings are inefficient, waste valuable work time and therefore proposed suspending all future meetings for the remainder of the year. The motion carried. I returned home where I wrote a column in less than 15 minutes and sent it to the paper. My editor phoned and insisted on tripling my pay. Doubling it would have been fine, but who am I to argue with an editor?

I dashed to the doctor's office for a recheck on a tendinitis problem. The nurse told me to step on the scale and noted that I'd lost ten pounds since I was there a week ago. I protested vehemently, but she was adamant that the scales never lie.

When I returned home, the auto mechanic had left a voice mail. The transmission in the minivan with 160,000 miles on it had healed itself and we could expect to get another 100,000 miles out of the vehicle.

I rummaged through the mail and found the electric bill was half what it was last month, despite running the air conditioner non-stop, and VISA wants to give us a $400 credit for writing our return address legibly. My e-mail was void of spam, XXXX-hot celebs and low-interest loan offers. I called my Web master, and he assured me the server is working fine.

I was about to start dinner when the entire family appeared, said I work too hard and insisted on taking me out. Afterward, the kids demanded we mill around some antique shops and stroll the grounds of the art museum. When we finally arrived home, I dished myself a bowl of ice cream.

There were twice as many chocolate chips and chunks of cookie dough as shown in the picture on the box. My husband gave me a foot massage and one of my daughters asked if she could do my nails.

Yes, the dog days of summer are never better spent than hallucinating in the hammock.

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here.

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05/25/01 Cyborgs for Better or Worse
05/18/01 The death of Common Sense

© 2001, Lori Borgman