The rank stupidity of 'Just let it go'

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Ever had a coworker sabotage your project at work? Has an underperforming employee lost you a client? Maybe a relative embarrassed you at a family gathering.

And when you vented your anger, frustration and resentment to your best friend, perhaps she offered you this sage, time-worn advice:

"Don't let it bother you. Get over it. Just let it go."

Did that make you feel better? Of course not. You felt hurt, betrayed and abused. After all, you're only human.

But if you're still feeling the same anger and bitterness a year later, if you're still stewing in your own juices, then it might be time to consider therapy.

There's a reason for the cliche that time heals all wounds. In fact, it's a function of our psychological defense system, one that is this week's addition to the Ethical Lexicon:

Fading Affect Bias

The psychological phenomenon where the emotional intensity of negative memories fades faster than the emotions tied to positive memories.

You've probably heard the occasional song on the radio that takes you back to high school or college. Did you feel the warm glow of nostalgia, even though you didn't particularly like the song when you were young? Escaping momentarily from the present, even into an idealized past, provides a mental reset that strengthens us to meet our current challenges.

It's hard enough dealing with the difficult people and unpleasant circumstances we encounter from day to day. By softening the sharp edges of the past, our subconscious minds make it easier for us to cope with the present.

But imagine not needing to wait months or years for the subconscious to mute toxic emotions. What if we could accomplish the same thing intentionally through sheer force of will?

Carl Jung, the founder of analytic psychology, identified a phenomenon he called "psychological impermeability," the capacity for remaining unaffected by the criticisms, insults or caustic behavior of other people. Individuals who stay centered regardless of external chaos, he observed, enjoy an almost supernatural level of emotional freedom.

Curiously, Jung described this phenomenon as "disturbing." In his private notes, he outlined the case of "Heinrich," a successful businessman who made those around him uncomfortable by the absolute indifference he displayed, no matter how poorly others treated him. Heinrich had acquired such a profound level of stoicism that he registered no emotion at all, even when his wife confessed to having an affair.

Jung discovered that Heinrich was not emotionally dead or numb. Rather, he had learned to see triggering behavior as a mirror reflecting parts of himself he had yet to understand. And any of us can do the same.

Rude criticism from a business associate may alert you to your own feelings of inadequacy. Chronic lateness from a friend or colleague reflects your need for control. The parent who finds fault with your choices forces you to confront your own self-doubt.

Imagine responding to every unpleasant encounter by asking yourself, "What part of myself is this person showing me?" Suddenly, insensitive behavior by others unlocks the door to deeper self-awareness and opens up opportunities for dramatic personal growth.

If so, why did Jung find this behavior "disturbing?"

Perhaps he saw the tragedy that so many of us fail to control our responses and, instead, allow others to steal our peace of mind. If Heinrich could do it, why can't we?

Or maybe what disturbed Jung was what disturbed Heinrich's wife and friends. There's something not-quite-human about a person exerting total control over his or her emotions. If we are authentically invested in those closest to us, is it healthy to be unaffected when they hurt us?

Vulnerability is the door that opens the way to love. If psychological impermeability means denying ourselves a genuine human connection, the cost is simply too high.

Which brings us back to Fading Affect Bias. Here we find psychological balance, risking emotional pain by permitting others to come close, but also allowing time to heal the wounds they occasionally inflict upon us. Emotional well-being demands lowering our guard to let others in, then reasserting boundaries when they are violated, so others cannot continue hurting us without end.

Life is messy. Embracing the chaos is the key to enduring happiness.

Rabbi Yonason Goldson graduated from the University of California at Davis with a degree in English, which he put to good use by setting off hitchhiking cross-country and backpacking across Europe. He eventually arrived in Israel where he connected with his Jewish roots and spent the next nine years studying Torah, completing his rabbinic training as part of Ohr Somayach's first ordination program. After teaching yeshiva high school for 23 years in Budapest, Hungary, Atlanta, Georgia, and St. Louis, Missouri, Rabbi Goldson established himself as a professional speaker and advisor, working with business leaders to create a company culture built on ethics and trust. He has published seven books and given two TEDx Talks, is an award-winning host of two podcasts, and writes a weekly column for Fast Company Magazine. He also serves as scholar-in-residence for congregations around the country.

Previously:

• To create a functioning, biblically-based civilization
• The difference between optimism and hope
• The Next Piece of the Puzzle Might Fill the Hole in Your Heart
• Self-Esteem Isn't Given -- It's Earned
• Remember the Past to Promote a Successful Future
• Are We Making Failure the Price of Success?
• Demoralization Is More About Culture than Feelings
• The Lesson We're Missing From the Death of Charlie Kirk
• Invest in Your Own Success by Building Up Others
• The Most Valiant Heroes Fight on a Different Battlefield
• How Pundits Came to Give Punditry a Bad Name
• The Wisdom of Knowing What You Don't Know
• Success Thrives in the Light of Purpose and Passion
• When Seeking Peace, Don't Release the Dogs of War
• Greta Thunberg Sails Toward Moral Hypocrisy
• Checking More Boxes Is Not the Solution
• Why Sometimes NOT Seeing Is MORE Believing
• A Healthy Diet for the Brain Promotes Ethical Clarity for the Mind

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