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Years ago, I was invited by the FBI to participate in a highly confidential and rigorous screening process for an intelligence analyst position.
As part of the process, I was required to submit references but specifically instructed not to tell them they might be contacted. FBI investigators interviewed friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, often asking each person for additional names, expanding their investigation deep and wide…far beyond my original list.
Looking back, I’ve come to appreciate that shidduch (proposed match) checking should sometimes resemble an FBI background investigation, but often it absolutely should not.
The FBI employs trained investigators with a clear process and purpose. Most people making shidduch reference calls are not investigators. That means we must be thoughtful about whom we contact, what we ask, and why we’re asking it.
Recently, I experienced the opposite.
I suggested what I believed was an excellent match for a divorced woman I had known for several years. Before agreeing to meet him, she wanted to make a few calls, in what she assured me would not be a lengthy or extensive background check.
But immediately, they began digging into issues that had little relevance to who the man is today, even attempting to reach people connected to a marriage that had ended around a decade earlier. When I asked whether they had first explored his middos (personality traits), hashkafah (life philosophy), and current character, I was told, ”We first look for the negatives. If we don’t find anything concerning, then we’ll look at the positives.”
That approach troubled me.
Of course, due diligence matters. No one should ignore legitimate concerns. But beginning with suspicion instead of substance creates a very different process. The focus shifts from exploring whether two people could build a successful marriage to trying to prove why they should not.
Her explanation was understandable: she had previously been hurt by someone who appeared fine at first.
Pain changes people. But if one painful experience leads us to distrust every shadchan, every reference, and every potential spouse, and even to distrust Hashem, then the pain has become more than a memory, it has become a barrier to marriage.
It was a disappointing experience for me. It is always sad to watch someone who claims to want to get married sabotage their own future happiness because of unresolved trust issues, usually rooted in low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.
Deuteronomy reminds us that the Lord's challenges, while often painful, are purposeful. The verse says, ”You should know in your heart that the Almighty chastises you just like a father chastises his son.”
When I was 3 years old, I fell off a couch and needed stitches. My parents were not horrible people for taking me to the doctor and causing me pain and suffering from stitches. Likewise, if G od gives someone a bad dating experience, it takes faith and maturity to understand that there is a purpose.
People who constantly bemoan their suffering in the dating arena lack bitachon, or absolute trust or confidence in the Divine. They choose to focus on the negative, not the kindness of G od. They fail to recognize what this week’s parsha tells us, that sometimes, we have nisyonos (challenges) to test us to do better.
We do not always understand the painful experiences, but Judaism teaches that hardship can refine us rather than define us.
Dating disappointments should make us wiser, not cynical. More discerning, not more suspicious. We should learn from our experiences without allowing them to rob us of trust, gratitude, or hope.
Ironically, there are several dating lessons I learned from the FBI vetting process:
• The FBI values honesty over perfection. A past mistake is not necessarily disqualifying if there is accountability, growth, and changed behavior.
• The FBI evaluates the whole person. No single weakness defines an individual. They begin by assessing whether someone has the qualities needed to succeed alone and as part of their team. Weaknesses are evaluated in context, not as the starting point.
• They build balanced teams. Success comes from complementary strengths and collaborative efforts, not from finding someone who checks every imaginable box.
The same should be true in the dating process.
If someone is in their thirties, forties, or beyond, the most important question is not who they were at twenty-one. It is who they are today. A divorce from ten years ago, or mistakes made in the past, should be understood in context, not treated as a permanent identity.
Remember, the FBI does not incorporate the Divine into the picture when they are vetting. But in shidduchim, His role is the most essential; He is your "matchmaker" and we don’t know why He chose your specific destined mate for you.
And Judaism is built on the belief that people can grow. Every morning we thank Hashem for returning our souls and giving us another opportunity to become better than we were yesterday. If we truly believe in teshuvah and personal growth, our approach to the dating process should reflect that belief.
Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman (d. 2017) , a Torah giant in his day, observed that many potential matches are lost because of ego, unrealistic expectations, and excessive pickiness. He told his students that many people struggle with the dating process because of ego and pride. They focus on their own insecurities or demands rather than what He wants.
As he said, ”People think that potential matches are rolling in the streets [that there are enough available to be picky] but that is really not true and therefore, shidduchim should not be rejected for no good reason. Some people play games when it comes to darting.”
The Steipler Gaaon (d. 1985) similarly warned that rejecting suitable matches without good reason can have lasting consequences, including missing out on marrying your bashert (soulmate ).
No one is suggesting that references should not be checked. They absolutely should. But when, how, and who should be considered. Reference checking should help us understand a person’s present character, values, and readiness for marriage, and not become an endless search for old mistakes or imagined flaws.
A good shidduch is not built by finding two perfect people. It is built by finding two imperfect people whose values, personality traits, and life goals allow them to build something extraordinary together.
Before asking, ”What can I uncover?” Perhaps we should first ask, ”Who is this person today?” That question is far more likely to lead us to someone’s true character…and perhaps, to their pre-destined life partner.
Dr. Chevy Weiss grew up in Baltimore but today is raising her family and spending time with her grandchildren in Israel. She has been an active shadchan, dating consultant, and coach for over two decades, and works with Orthodox singles of all ages around the world. She dedicates hours each week for medical or special shidduchim, and is also the matchmaker for "Ohev Ger", where she waives all fees for those interested in dating Jews-by-choice in Israel.
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Previously:
• My Rabbi Told Me to Take Illicit Drugs
• Dating: When What You're Missing is in Plain Sight