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Someone came to me for help with getting married. As part of my intake, I asked whether he vaped, smoked, drank, or used any other substances. His response surprised me:
"My Rabbi told me to smoke marijuana."
As a shadchan (matchmaker), we hear everything.
• "My Rabbi said I could lie about my age."
• "My Rav said not to date women over 34 because it isn't natural for them to conceive after that age."
• "My Rav said I could cancel a date even after both sides agreed."
Whenever possible, I prefer hearing the story directly from the source. Over the years, when I've had the opportunity to speak with the rabbinic figures involved, I've learned an important lesson:
Don't set up singles who use a Rabbi's name to justify poor middos (personality traits) nor bad behaviors.
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Big ones and small ones. The goal of a Torah-focused life is to continuously work to improve ourselves - to be a ben or bas aliya. When someone seeks rabbinic approval to behave poorly, mistreat others, or circumvent halacha, that is a critical red flag, not a justification.
Take the young man whose Rabbi "told him to smoke marijuana." Yes, the Rabbi did say that. But there was an important second part to the story that I was able to verify in a conversation with the Rabbi (which the boy allowed). The young man was weaning himself off harder drugs and a daily drinking habit. His addiction therapist recommended that he not stop using marijuana abruptly, and the Rabbi agreed with the treatment plan.
That doesn't mean his Rabbi thinks doing drugs is good. It definitely does not mean the Rabbi thinks this guy is ready to date. But this boy decided that with his Rabbi's approval to smoke pot, it should not be an issue that should delay his dating.
When someone asks a rabbinic figure whether it's acceptable to lie about their age or to categorically refuse to date women above a certain age, the sages often recognize that they are dealing with someone who isn't prepared to hear a different perspective. Frequently, that individual lacks the bitachon (faith) needed to date properly, misunderstands the proper values and foundations of a healthy relationship, or may be struggling with emotional or mental health issues that they have not acknowledged.
For a matchmaker, those are significant red flags. These are people I generally will not set up, nor recommend when someone calls asking about them.
The same applies to people who cancel dates after both sides agree to meet.
Recently, a fellow shadchan felt personally slighted after arranging a match between a young man and woman. Acting on emotion, she cancelled the date, disappointing both sides. The young man had the opportunity to keep the date anyway through another shadchan, but chose not to.
In a later conversation with the boy's family rabbi, it became clear to me that the guy's unwillingness to honor his commitment reflected a deeper issue of poor character. The young woman dodged a bullet.
Recently, I presented a scenario where a couple realized the night before their first date that they had briefly gone out in the past and as they guy had rejected her then, both wanted to cancel the planned date. Nearly every response from my readers agreed that if both parties wanted to cancel, they should.
But here's why I didn't let them.
Cancelling a date without a truly compelling reason (i.e. a death in the immediate family) is trying to play G od. He brings people together for a reason. Sometimes, it is not the match. And sometimes, it is the right match but not the right time. Maybe last year wasn't the right time for them and this year it was.
That couple kept the date. Then they went out again. And again.
The young man ultimately realized that ending things a year earlier had been poor judgment.
Not every story ends with a wedding. But I'm convinced that keeping your commitment to a one-hour date prevents unnecessary hurt and allows His plan to unfold.
Rabbi Akiva taught that loving your fellow is one of the greatest principles of the Torah. Hillel HaZaken famously summarized the Torah with the words, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow."
Many of the sins committed today against each other. Sadly, nowhere is that more evident than in today's dating world, where people often hurt one another without appreciating the lasting impact.
Your behavior in dating is often indicative of how you will behave in marriage.
If someone is quick to disregard another person's feelings while dating, it is difficult to expect that marriage will suddenly transform those character traits. Hiding behind a Rabbi's name doesn't make hurtful behavior any less hurtful.
In the Torah, Deuteronomy 6:18, we are instructed:
"Do that which is right and good in the eyes of the Lord." and by emphasizing good we are taught to go beyond the strict letter of the law. The Talmud even teaches that Jerusalem was destroyed because people insisted on following only the letter of the law without acting with kindness beyond it.
Whatever your struggle in dating has been - bad dates, no dates, divorce, widowhood - it can get better.
You can help your own future by choosing to go beyond the minimum. Put someone else's feelings before your own.
If you find out something you don't like after you agreed to meet someone, or any other reason you have to cancel a date, don't look for a Rabbi to give you a hall pass. Go on the one-hour date. If you truly cannot bring yourself to do that, it may be a sign that you still have work to do in developing the characteristic of putting another person's needs before your own, a quality that is essential for a successful marriage.
People have become far too casual about cancelling dates. Don't normalize a bad habit. Cancelling once makes it easier to cancel again. Even when both people outwardly agree, hidden disappointment often remains.
Once you've said yes to a date, stop making phone calls to investigate further. You may hear something that unnecessarily fuels your desire to cancel. Instead, go on the date. If afterward you feel you need more information before continuing, tell the shadchan you enjoyed meeting and would like to make another call or two before deciding about a second date.
Remember: small acts of kindness rarely make headlines, yet they quietly change the world. Picking up litter from an otherwise clean sidewalk. Feeding someone else's expired parking meter. Letting the person with only a few groceries go ahead of you. Smiling at a tired cashier. Saying good morning to an elderly person walking down the street.
Sometimes, the effort matters more than the outcome.
Do what is right simply because it is right.
You may not see the results immediately, and you may never know the full impact your actions have had. But every act of integrity, every commitment you keep, and every kindness you extend creates a ripple that reaches farther than you can imagine.
In dating, as in life, we are not judged only by the choices we make for ourselves, but by how we treat the people G od places in our path. Be the person who leaves others with dignity, hope, and respect. Those are the personality traits that build lasting marriages, and those are the qualities that ultimately bring His greatest blessing.
Dr. Chevy Weiss grew up in Baltimore but today is raising her family and spending time with her grandchildren in Israel. She has been an active shadchan, dating consultant, and coach for over two decades, and works with Orthodox singles of all ages around the world. She dedicates hours each week for medical or special shidduchim, and is also the matchmaker for "Ohev Ger", where she waives all fees for those interested in dating Jews-by-choice in Israel.
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Previously:
• Dating: When What You're Missing is in Plain Sight