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Jewish World Review Feb. 13, 2001 / 20 Shevat, 5761

Julia Gorin

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Consumer Reports

Can We Survive George W.? An Essay by Joe American --
THE next four years are gonna be rough, man. Heís been in office for three weeks already, and the new guy has yet to rape, harass or expose himself to anyone. Is he an alien? Could he at least cheat on his wife maybe? Talk about being out of synch with the American people! Is he not human? Does he not feel? Does he not lust?

Should I not lust? Really! I mean, where does this leave us, the public? Bush doesnít represent me! I embrace my flaws -- ok, my vices. Who does he think he is? Mr. Perfect?

What sort of message will this send to our kids? What -- they gotta be perfect too? We canít expose them to that kind of pressure! And whatís all this about returning integrity to the Oval Office? Theyíre like puritans, man, puritans!

What was that inauguration speech anyway? What was he talking about? Something Ďbout choosing citizenship over self-interest? What language is he speaking? I donít get this guy.

Now Clinton, on the other hand. I got Bill Clinton. The man had flaws. Thatís something I could relate to. And he got me. That guy was in touch. Ok, maybe a bit literally sometimes. But he knew his tunes, his reads, his chicks, his eats. Thatís what a presidentís supposed to be -- like a buddy.

Iíll miss that guy, boy. Before he came along, the presidency seemed so complicated. He made it a party -- and everyone was invited. He made the presidency accessible, man -- thatís the key. He made you feel you could just walk right up to him and shake his hand. Just ask his frustrated security people.

And he made it so easy to be a good person -- just by lowering the bar.

But now weíve got a president whose zipper stays up. Whatís there gonna be to talk about? Are we gonna have to start understanding the issues? I mean, sex was easy to defend. But vouchers for school kids?

Not that a politicianís sex life is any of our business (Iíve got my principles). Unless itís not there, for crissakes! (or monogamous, whatever).

Itís not natural, man. Charisma without a roving eye? Who ever heard of that? What kind of perverse combination is that? Thatís why Al Gore made more sense to me. Yeah, he kept it in his pants too, but he was a boring guy. That fits. That adds up. Bush doesnít.

Heís just like his old man. Boy was that guy out of touch! Remember when he was at the supermarket and he didnít know what a UPC symbol was? Woah. How can you be the leader of the free world and not know what a UPC symbolís for? Scary, man, scary.

And what reforms does his genius son choose to tackle first? Instead of doing righteous stuff like letting ex-cons vote, increasing spending, providing school teachers with limos, cooling the globe, outlawing religion, kissing the Arab guy, lowering the age of consent or making abortions mandatory, what does this kook try to do? Lower taxes, let poor kids get private school educations, move an embassy to Jerusalem, cut off funding abortions for abroad, and, get ready, put teeth into missile defense?! Armageddon is upon us!

Dude! National security actually means something to this dude; heís getting tough on the rest of the world. Thatís not cool. Thatís not the kind of testosterone I can relate to. I mean, what is national security, anyway? Isnít that just something the bad guy says in the movies? The only time Clinton brought that stuff up was when he declared AIDS a threat to our security. That I could dig.

And whoís his new attorney general guy thatís been going around saying abortionís not cool. How does he know? Whoís he to say whatís cool and whatís not cool?

Clinton played the game better, man. He got politics; he didnít get policy. And thatís okay. Because neither did I. And why should we expect more from a president than we do from ourselves? Heís just a man. A man who represents me: Joe American. Wherever my headís at, thatís where the presidentís ought to be too. Just be in touch, man.

But Iím gonna look on the sunny side here: ĎCause like as soon as we get rid of that electoral college garbage and return power to the will of the mob -- I mean the people -- and, like if W.ís education plan works and all Democrats become literate enough to punch the right hole in 2004, weíll vote that misfit right out of office.

JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a journalist and stand-up comic residing in Manhattan. Send your comments by clicking here.


01/22/01: The one that got away
12/21/00: A peaceful proposal
11/27/00: Getting used to Hillary
11/24/00: RU-486: "A Victory for Women" ÖR U Sure?
10/10/00: If the world is watching the fighting in the Middle East, let it also watch "Rules of Engagement"
09/15/00: Bruiser and me
09/09/00: Would New York still be New York without the U.N.?
09/06/00: A cornerstone of 20th Century America: Sticking it to the rich
08/14/00: Dangers in do-goodness
06/16/00: It's the sex, stupid
04/14/00: The most violent people
03/24/00: Beautiful fraud
03/17/00: Patronizing the patron
02/18/00: No one likes a hater without a cause
02/04/00: Bubba's big break
12/21/00: The Sport of Sitting
11/19/99: He wants his brother back!
11/15/99: Hollywood: Just jamming
10/29/99: Bomb all bans
10/04/99: Welcome, Mr. Buchanan!
09/24/99: The Financing of Hill's House
09/10/99: 'I cause your pain'
08/20/99: Believing the hype
08/09/99: Chickens bombing ... chickens?
07/30/99: Why I'm eating so much chocolate
07/16/99: The reluctant partisan
06/29/99: Maddy and Bill went up the (Capitol) Hill
04/29/99: "Never again"? This isn't exactly what we had in mind
03/19/99: The Thin Yellow Line
03/03/99: How many more are out there?
10/19/98: Got milk? Donít know. Do I?
07/30/98: Kofi Annan's crimes against sensibility
05/15/98: Susan McDougal: a real stand-up kinda guy
01/08/98: In defense of the appetizing shiksa

© 2000, Julia Gorin