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Jewish World Review Nov. 27, 2000 / 29 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761

Julia Gorin

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Getting used to Hillary --
I’VE HAD three weeks now to get used to the unthinkable: Mrs. Clinton (the future Ms. Rodham) will be a U.S. senator.

Backtrack to just a few months ago. Wasn’t the very idea preposterous? Did the country not scoff at the notion of the First Lady even running for a senatorial seat of New York? Did NY State not laugh and dismiss the possibility? Somewhere, as with all things Clintonian, joke morphed into reality.

Alec Baldwin and Barbra Streisand promised they’d move to another country if George W. Bush were to win the election. New York surely is that. Could there be a more alien land? Oh, Arkansas must be having a hearty laugh at our expense. What a load off! It’s like Manhattan offering to take Staten Island’s landfill off its hands.

There was a time when everyone would ask, "Why New York? Why did she pick New York?" Answering for Mrs. Clinton, I would give any questioner a peek into her probable thought process: "Let me see: What state in the Union has enough politically moronic and morally apathetic degenerates, where I could actually stand a chance of winning?"


Not to mention the highest concentration of a particular self-loathing ethnic group which abandoned its survival instincts sometime before 1932 and will never waver from the Democratic Party.

Yes, those easily fooled Jews—I’m sorry—Jew bastards, as our official title stands now. No longer a Jewish New Yorker, I shall soon be a member of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s "Effin’ Jew-Bastard" constituency.

Better to stuff it than shoot it off

Hillary Clinton is a Democrat. Unhampered by that evil "Republican" label, which for some reason my fellow tribesmen see as a synonym for "anti-Semite," Hillary is forgiven for employing the occasional ethnic slur. Just like Bill can assist Israel with suicide, and Gore-Lieberman can brown-nose Louis Farrakhan.

And foolishly I held out hope that her opponent Rick Lazio actually stood a chance—a good chance. I’d forgotten where I was, and underestimated the propensity of my people for narrow-mindedness and self-destruction (the Jewish vote for Mrs. Clinton was about 70%).

They must want Palestinians to have a state of their own more than I knew; the plan must be to give them New York (then they can kiss Suha Arafat personally).

Some anti-Semitism is irrational, founded in ignorance, as in Hillary’s case, where she’ll do things like blurt out an anti-Jewish slur at you just because she’s mad that her husband lost a congressional bid—even though you’re just a Baptist with a Jewish great-grandmother. Then she’ll try to cover her tracks years later and have her Jewish campaign head ask bigwigs at the Jewish Advisory Board to call the Jewish papers to say they don’t believe the charges—but they’re not to mention that the campaign asked them to call (i.e. use one Jew to ask some more Jews to lie to the next Jews so they would print an article deceiving the rest of the Jews about what she said 25 years ago to the first Jew, who wasn’t really a Jew).

But other forms of anti-Semitism can be earned, giving folks legitimate grievances against a people because they do crazy things like EXTEND HILLARY CLINTON’S POLITICAL LIFE!

This is not to cast the entire blame on Jewish New Yorkers; they alone couldn’t have elected her. In my initial optimism, I equally underestimated the urban pseudo-intellectual’s high-mindedness, as well as the Everyman’s yearning for celebrity in his midst.

The disservice New York gleefully does to itself aside, let’s consider the fact that we’ve unleashed HRC onto the respected members of Congress. They’re going to have to actually deal with her (more than we will: New Yorkers won’t even be able to get an appointment). They’re the ones who will have to endure her insufferable speeches in person and pretend to take her rabid dogma under advisement.

The only solace they might find is in the recently released Hillary Rodham Clinton talking desktop punching bag—although Bill Clinton has dibs on the first batch.

I only hope they don’t forget that HRC was never a force to be reckoned with, but just this bizarre snowball phenomenon that grew bigger and bigger until it became unstoppable, even though there’s no reason for it to exist. Not yet in office, it’s already trying to rewrite the Constitution, calling for the abolition of the Electoral College, based on the will of "The People"—mob rule—precisely what the Electoral College was meant to safeguard against.

The whole thing seems even more fantastical, given how well-known the pattern is among felons to use all three of their names: Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, Karla Faye Tucker, Hillary Rodham Clinton... Couldn’t we see it coming? The FBI should institute an early tracking system of kids who use all three names—to stop serious crime before it happens (like the William Jefferson Clinton presidency, for example).

In the end, however, one must give credit where credit is due. And HRC, even though she diminishes the very office, certainly has the testosterone for the Senate. She’s one of the boys now (and should probably begin regular prostate screenings). Speaking of which, I at one point hoped Rudy Giuliani would stick it out through the campaign. Yes, he was sick, but with Hillary Rodham as the alternative, even a dead senator should have stood a better chance. Isn’t non-productive preferable to counterproductive? We know such a win is possible: It just happened in Missouri.

With the 21st Century emerges a progressive new political landscape: Hillary and a dead guy.

JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a journalist and stand-up comic residing in Manhattan. Send your comments by clicking here.


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© 2000, Julia Gorin