JWR Schticks and groans

Jewish World Review Oct. 4, 1999 / 24 Tishrei, 5760

Welcome, Mr. Buchanan!

By Julia Gorin

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- SO, MR. BUCHANAN. I hear you're joining the Reform movement. WELCOME!

But who knew you liked the Jewish people so much? (Although I suppose you only need to like us about as much as we like us.)

I always said about you: "Would you look at that punum! Just look at it! He should be one of ours! I mean, is this the face of an anti-Semite? Impossible! What I would give to pinch those cheeks!"

Personally, I've never believed any of those things they say about you. Because all along I knew it was just envy. And who can blame you for being a little jealous of the Jewish people? Who isn't? (Why else would they try so hard to get rid of us all the time?)


And I'm glad you picked the Reform over the Conservative -- what do you call it -- Party? You can call it a party, if you like; there's usually cake.

I mean -- Conservative -- what even is that? And the Orthodox -- not for you. You made the best choice, really. As a Reform, you don't even have to wear a yarmulke. (Of course, no one's gonna stop you if you want to put on a little kippa to cover that baldness you have -- it's up to you.)

Oh, you're gonna like being Reform, Mr. Buchanan. You'll find it's not very different from being Christian. But now that you're going to be Jewish, you can cut out the middleman. It's less expensive that way. Why shouldn't G-d be available wholesale?

By the way, are you circumcised? Because I can recommend a good moyhel. It's very important. Covenant -- shmovenant -- you want to keep yourself clean.

But listen: We're going to have to get rid of that Orthodox rabbi you've been taking advice from, and find you a nice Reform rabbi. Just make sure it's a man and not a woman, or you'll end up with a lesbian. But then, who are we to judge G-d's messengers, right?

And obviously you'll need to do something about that name. You can keep your initials, but a Jew named Patrick -- and Buchanan -- well, people will be asking you questions for the rest of your life. Please, you don't need it. So I thought of a compromise: Better you should call yourself -- Pinchas Buckman!

Do you love it? No need to thank me. A mitzvah is a gift unto itself.

So I wish you much success in your run for President next year. (A doctor would have been better, but your mother can't have everything.)

Tell me, Pinchy, since you're Reform, maybe we'll see your name on the Democratic ticket? Because don't forget: Reformism is Liberalism! That means we're open-minded people. So there are no other combinations. Anything else would be perverse! You'll be ostracized by the synagogue and, well...you understand.

So once again: Welcome, Mister Future President of the United States Pinchas Buckman! If you make it, and you give us a little nachus as America's first Jewish President, OY! the possibilities.... Who knows? With a little luck -- maybe next term in Jerusalem?

JWR contributor Julia Gorin, barely even a Reform Jew, is a stand-up comic and journalist residing in Manhattan. Send your comments to her by clicking here.


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08/09/99: Chickens bombing ... chickens?
07/30/99: Why I'm eating so much chocolate
07/16/99: The reluctant partisan
06/29/99: Maddy and Bill went up the (Capitol) Hill
04/29/99: "Never again"? This isn't exactly what we had in mind
03/19/99: The Thin Yellow Line
03/03/99: How many more are out there?
07/30/98: Kofi Annan's crimes against sensibility
05/15/98: Susan McDougal: a real stand-up kinda guy
01/08/98: In defense of the appetizing shiksa

©1999, Julia Gorin