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Why is there so often tension between grandparents and parents when it comes to the grandchildren?
Watching your child turn into a parent - and care for your grandchild - is one of the great joys that life has to offer. And yet, grandparents often give unsolicited opinions on the decisions that parents are making, from bedtime to mealtime to general attitudes about discipline - or pretty much anything else. As a grandparent who's also a pediatrician of more than 30 years, I understand why it's tempting to play the parental-experience card (not to mention the medical training card), but the better part of valor is to wait and give advice only when - and if - you're asked for it.
We've had our innings. We got to make each and every one of those decisions when we were bringing up our own children, and, child-rearing being what it is, we made them over and over, day after day, all those bedtimes, all those mealtimes, all those opportunities to teach, to set limits, to celebrate, to discipline.
We reared responsible adults, able to take on the complex tasks of parenting, ready to make good choices. So this is our moment to stand back and respect those choices, weigh in when we're asked to and recognize that there are many different ways to navigate the complex waters of parenthood.
Here are a few common mistakes grandparents make and my advice on how to become a respectful and helpful grandparent.
• Failing to accept that parenting patterns change with time
There are real changes that happen over time in parenting styles. My own parents decided that they would never spank their children, which was a deliberate break from their own upbringings in the 1930s. Their parents would have seen that as moving in a permissive direction. On the other hand, they also would have thought that my parents were too preoccupied with knowing where the children were at any given moment. Still, I was allowed to walk without an adult to second grade in New York City, keeping an eye on my younger brother, which I wouldn't have allowed my own children to do.
I couldn't resist asking my own son, Benjamin Klass, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, who is also the father of my almost 3-year-old grandson, about his perspective. (And you can just imagine the complex dynamics of the pediatrician mother trying to decide how to give advice - or not - to the child psychiatrist son!)
He told me that even though grandparents worry all the time about how their grandchildren are doing, it can seem to parents like they don't worry enough or realize how much parents may agonize over small issues of diet or behavior. "It's understandable why there is a push and a pull all the time," he said.
Thus, some grandparents want to be more casual about food treats, screen time or even supervision, which creates conflict with parents who take them all much more seriously.
Remember that you are indeed in a different role now and may see things very differently than you did when you were the parent, with all the responsibility resting on you.
• Blaming your child's partner
You don't want to be in conflict with your child over your grandchild. You don't want to be in conflict with your child over your child's partner. As much as possible, respect that parental unit, assume that your child is an integral part of the decision-making process, and remind yourself that if you love being a grandparent, you owe a good deal to the partner who made it possible. And if you do find yourself making a suggestion, treat it as a suggestion that you are in fact making to that parental unit - don't go behind the other parent's back.
• Assuming it's the parents' fault when a grandchild is struggling
Remember how bad it feels to have a child who isn't happy or isn't doing well or is in some other way going through a bad patch? This is not the time to say "I told you so" or to point out that things in the home have been too disorganized or too strictly organized. Given the complexities of parenting, it's rare to be able to attribute a child's distress to any one factor, and it's common for parents to beat themselves up over everything, including things they don't control. If there's a grandchild with a problem, be part of that child's support system and part of the parents' support system; ask them how you can help and listen when they want to talk.
• Making it a fight instead of a discussion
You probably saw this coming, but I'm going to give you permission to advocate for regular pediatric care, immunizations and, within reason, to discuss other specific health-related issues. With immunizations, after all, since you're among the older adults who will be caring for this child, you have a vested interest in knowing that said child is immunized against measles, RSV, influenza, coronavirus, etc.
You don't want to see your grandchild sick with measles (the most infectious virus in the world) for lots of reasons. But I also tell you, as a pediatrician, these can be very hard conversations - in the home as well as in the pediatric exam room - and you have to try to stay respectful, be clear that you're speaking out of love and concern, make your case, leave the question open if necessary and return to it - and don't let it dominate the relationship.
And you should certainly set a good example by making it clear that you're getting all the recommended vaccines yourself.
• Weighing in too often, especially when you weren't asked to
You already know that picking your battles is a big part of parenting. Every parent of a toddler learns this, and every parent of an adolescent really learns it. There may turn out to be issues along the way, but choose those topics carefully - and pick your words with even more care.
The goal of this entire enterprise is to help your precious grandchild grow into a responsible adult who can make good choices. You did this once, with your own child, so you know it can be done - and the more you recognize and respect those choices as your child makes them, the more you will be honoring your new role and helping everyone involved understand what goes into making a family.
Perri Klass is a professor of journalism and pediatrics and director of the Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute at New York University.
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Previously:
• How parents can shape a child's future with small moments of joy