Jewish World Review Nov. 16, 2001 / 1 Kislev, 5762
Osama not enough for some
WITH the Taliban on the run and stories of their willingness to give up
Bin Laden, it's time for the right to re-up their Bash-Clinton
The radio and cable talk shows favorite cash cow is being
brought out for further skewing. Would anyone be surprised if we found
out that Bill is on the payroll of Roger Ailes and his confederates?
Dick Morris recently reported,
"I had a good illustration of Clinton's
remoteness from terrorist issues in 1996 when Dick Holbrooke called me,
several months after the terrorist attack on US barracks in Ridyah, Saudi
Arabia. Holbrooke, who told me that he had never had the opportunity to
speak with Clinton directly during the months that he was negotiating the
Dayton peace accords in Bosnia, asked that I get hold of the president to
pass along a message. Holbrooke said that he had information that the
terrorists were planning another attack in Ridyah and that our troops
were highly vulnerable. "They are stuck in the same buildings the
terrorists attacked last time," I called the president and passed along
Holbrooke's message. He had no idea that the troops were still in the
barracks and said that he had ordered them dispersed to the desert six
weeks before. "I've got a meeting with the Joint Chiefs in the morning,"
the president said "I'll raise hell with them." Shockingly, he was so
little involved in protecting our troops - already the object of a
terrorist attack - that he had no idea that his order had not been
executed until I happened to call."
Ah yes,. I have no doubt that the President of the United States would be
offering the trusted Dick Morris private conversations he would discuss
with the Joint Chief Of Staff. I know we would have to stretch the
believability here, but would it be possible that Clinton might not tell
Morris all he knew.
Hillary remains central to the Right's pressing matters. Radio talk show
host, Larry Elder wrote that Hillary Clinton's description of daughter
Chelsea's September 11 morning in New York was different from what
Chelsea wrote in her "Talk" magazine piece. Holy breaking news! Elder
said this was "a major news item" because "Internet publisher Matt Drudge
noted the conflicting accounts in his November 9 Drudge Report."
In a recent column, Ann Coulter said, "Everyone wishes he'd [Clinton] just
go away and stop sending himself botulism out of anthrax envy." Go away?
Is she kidding? She's making mortgage payments with Clinton's very
existance. though who really thinks that even the death of Clinton would
Don't be surprised if we are still around we wouldn't find this little
article tucked way neatly on the front page of the Washington Times.
November 20, 2075, Washington, D.C. | In a move surprising almost no one,
and in a response to the most recent Senate subpoena, grave diggers at
Arlington National Cemetery began the unenviable task of exhuming
President Bill Clinton's remains.
The Senate hearings looking into a particle of DNA found in the Oval
Office humidor, are expected to reach an elevated sense of drama and wit.
The dead President is expected to receive a relentless grilling from
Republican foes who seemed bent on bringing the former Commander-in-chief
to his knees, contingent, of course, on whether or not his knees have yet
to decompose entirely.
It is the seventh time this century that the beleaguered former President
has been dug up to answer questions concerning alleged wrong-doing, a
record surpassing former five-term President Hillary Clinton's six
With cryogenics playing an ever-burgeoning part of the Republican Party's
effort to humiliate the dead President, an amazing simulation of the late
Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said that, once again,
"impeachment would not be out of the question." If the Congress and
Senate are successful in their efforts, this would be Clinton's third
such impeachment since his death in 2048.
172 year old, Senator Strom Thurmond, whose sustained efforts to
embarrass the former president are only surpassed by his continued
refusals to die, said, "President Clinton was and still is..." (The rest
of his statement was unintelligible).
The death-impaired Clinton refused comment, except for a statement
released from his office which continues to insist that "...the former
President is once again the target of Republican enemies who still can't
run on the issues."
From this robotic home at Disneyland's famed, Hall Of Spinners, Clinton
animatronic pal, James Carville, said that, "...this is all a lot of
Republican hooey. These guys have spent nearly two hundred billion
dollars on this witch hunt. They've dug up Bubba's' body so often that
magician David Blaine's been buried longer than the President and he's
still alive." Even the lovely Bride Of Carville, lifelike talking head
Mary Matlin, chimed in with grudging admiration. "Even though the guy is
a bonehead, literally, he would probably still clobber whomever the GOP
puts up against him." Matlin's comments seem supported by Bill Clinton's
surprising third term in office (2060-2064), to date the only known
incidence of a deceased candidate elected to the top post AND serving his
entire term. "And, his distinguished performance, considering his being a
corpse, was first-rate," drawled the Ragin' Cajun.
Last remaining conservative blonde bombshell, 120 year old Ann Coulter,
said, "Thank G-d. I'm exhausted from jumping up and down on his grave.
Clinton is like a bad burrito. He keeps repeating, and just when you
think you're rid of him, he returns and burns your butt."
Former Clinton buddy, Dick Morris, who has been buried in the next crypt
said that Clinton revealed to him that he was behind the Archduke
Ferdinand assassination, colon cancer and that meteor that wiped out the
With recent polls still showing the popular deceased Chief Executive with
a 78% approval rating, reporters have asked the former President if he
will entertain running for public office again, considering that he
remains severely dead. The obviously tired, but still enthusiastic
Comeback Kid smiled. "It depends what your definition of dead
JWR contributor Steve Young, contributing editor of the Writers Guild Of America's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and Humanitas nominee for his writing on the accurate depiction alcohol use and addiction in a television comedy episode. Comment by clicking here.
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA
© 2001, Steve Young