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Jewish World Review Sept. 19, 2003 / 22 Elul, 5763
James Lileks
All Hail the Ninth Circuit Court of Surreal
That's when the East Coast made a last-minute appeal to the Ninth
Circuit, asking the court to issue an indefinite stay against the hurricane.
There were questions of jurisdiction, of course, but the Interstate
Commerce Clause was invoked -- in 2.3 seconds, a new record -- and
the judges got down to the business of deciding Humanity v. Isabel. The
court found for Humanity, since the storm would violate the equal
protection clause by soaking people who were caught outside while
leaving those inside mostly dry; they also found that it violated the civil
rights of minorities on the coast, who would suffer disproportionately
compared with largely white Iowa.
The ruling was cheered by scientists, who now expect that any killer
asteroid can be deflected by a court ruling. All hail the Ninth Circuit! Now
let's have them rule on this whole mortality thing, and find the Divine liable for
making a defective product.
If the Ninth Circuit panel's decision on the California recall does delay it
until March, several things will happen.
1. Gray Davis will sign every ludicrous bill slapped on his desk if he
thinks it'll buy some votes. It's hard to imagine what could be more
preposterous than the job-killing health care bill or driver's licenses for
illegal non-citizens. But you ain't seen nothin' yet. Expect him to approve
the following laws:
-- Citizenship extended to the entire Mexican subcontinent on a
first-come, first-served basis. "If you can make it over the border by Feb.
28, you're a citizen! Fun for all! Bring the kids!"
-- Emission control devices for companion animals -- either some sort of
pet diaper, or a rear-mounted catalytic converter that reduces harmful
vapors. Mandatory on all dogs over 10 years or 70 pounds.
-- Good news: legal gay marriage. Bad news: $150,000 filing fee
-- Full Employment Energy Independence Act. The unemployed will be
hired to walk around carrying solar reflector panels, or to blow on the
propellers at wind farms during calm days. Total cost: $1.9 billion. Total
energy generated: Does it matter, as long as we don't drill in Alaska?
What, you WANT caribou to die?
2. Arnold will have to make clear his positions on everything. No more
insisting that he has to study the issue, or that his team of ninja
accountants will rappel from the ceiling, kill the Keepers of the Budget
with poisoned throwing stars, audit the books with lightning speed and
carve out $193 billion in hidden spending -- and show you the money
before you hit the floor dead! He'll have time to do some free-lance
auditing between now and then. He'll have to be specific.
3. Tom McClintock will continue to surge in the polls. By the end of the
year, more than 84 percent of Republicans will say they'll never forgive
him for hoovering up Arnold votes for his doomed crusade, and handing
the election to Bustamante.
4. Gollivornia, as Arnold calls it, will continue to drag down the national
economy -- and worse yet, the national news cycle. Originally the recall
was an amusing, if regrettable, interval of political theater. But now it's
something else. It's a symbol of bitter gridlocked politics, hideous judicial
overreach and our curious sense of perspective. Which do you think
would get more coverage tomorrow: Arnold does Dr. Phil? Or full
pumping capacity is restored at a key Iraqi oil facility?
Nevertheless, this mess is a fine example for the people of Iraq. They're
attempting to set up the rule of law, not the rule of whim and creed.
Take heart, Iraq! If you work hard, in 200 years you too can have
institutions strong enough to withstand this foolishness.
If you're lucky.
08/26/03:This time, the record industry doesn't stand a chance!
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