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Jewish World Review August 4, 2003 / 6 Menachem-Av, 5763
James Lileks
Expect bad news for the foreseeable future
Wait, this just in: The Associated Press reports that the administration
has a new bill to overhaul Amtrak. "In addition to encouraging private
investors to build railroads, the bill would improve service and promote
high-speed rail service between cities." There you go! The trains are
going to run on time!
One small question: Aren't evil dictatorships supposed to be good
propagandists? We ought to be seeing nothing but Good News on
Parade every night on TV. Brave soldiers running into burning buildings
to rescue orphans and their bunnies! Heroic soldiers pointing to the
horizon as their comrades build the new People's Canal! Grinning
soldiers shouldering sacks of flour as they pass out food and RJ
Reynolds fine tobacco products to grateful locals! Ululating Baghdadis
salaaming the statue of Bush, erected on Saddam's old plinth! But we
get none of this. C'mon, Karl Rove! Pick up the pace, Wolfie. Come
2004, you've got to make us happy you suspended the election.
Instead, we get bad news. Granted, it's not all good over there. Last
week, for example, 34 Iraqis were killed by gunfire in Baghdad and 70
were wounded, many quite seriously. Gang warfare? A U.S. hot-pursuit
mission gone awry? No: According to a Baghdad newspaper, they were
killed by the bullets they fired in the air to celebrate the death of
Saddam's butchers-in-waiting, Qusai and Odai. That's the bad news.
The good news is that the sociopathic duo is dead, and there are
Baghdad newspapers that can report on the matter without worrying
whether the editor will turn up face down in the Tigris.
One could say that's progress.
But good news doesn't make interesting headlines especially when
the good news consists mostly of the absence of horrible news.
"Assessment of Basra's antiquated electrical system complete;
upgrades to dynamo control mechanisms ordered" isn't the sort of
headline that sells newspapers.
Expect bad news for the foreseeable future. It's sexier than success.
Eventually every network will do the Six Months Later story, and you
know how that will go:
First, "The Best of Shock and Awe" highlight reel while the narrator
describes how the Iraqis folded like a three-legged card table. Then the
postwar quagmire, as the Americans failed to convince a kneecapped
nation to leap to its feet and do the Charleston in 100 days. Then some
Bright Spots, followed by a stand-up report from whichever
anchorperson parachuted in for the closing visuals. "Tonight, Baghdad
is calm, but many people look to the future, and wonder whether this is
liberation or occupation." Mournful music, slow-mo shots of an Iraqi
child's blank face, a scowling soldier, a toppled statue of Saddam.
If you're not depressed by the end, Dan Rather will personally come to
your house and force-feed you Valium and alcohol.
What good news leaks out seems to come entirely from the soldiers
themselves, writing letters home to family and friends. They circulate on
the Internet like samizdat manifestoes. Some soldiers have weblogs in
which they recount the pains and joys of helping a country rebuild while
wearing 90 pounds of gear in weather that resembles a vacation on the
Venusian equator. The good news is there, in other words and it's a
mystery why the administration isn't blaring it out every day.
Anyone up for some deep 'n' evil conspiracy theories?
Maybe the Bush team is playing rope-a-dope again. Let the opposition
scream about missing weapons of mass destruction, let the bad news
dominate, let the polls sink and the sharks circle. Let a few more
Democratic candidates suggest that the president could be, as he might
put it, impeacherated.
Then, voila! Lots of WMDs and yellowcake for all. Hey presto! Full
power and clean water all over Iraq. For the main course,
Saddam-on-the-slab. By then the next election will be under way, and
the economy will be better as well.
Brilliant. And they'll still hold the election.
Just to humor us, of course.
07/28/03: Despot's Deserts
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