Jewish World Review April 16, 2003 / 14 Nissan, 5763
Important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | As a public service, this week Media Person is bringing you some important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media. Much of the following is true: The National Enquirer's front page declared, "It's Over!" This referred not to the war but Julia Roberts' marriage. Secret divorce talks are under way, the paper said, between Julia's lawyers and lawyers for the guy she's married to, who Media Person can't quite recall and neither can Julia, which may be the problem. From now on, it is believed, she will marry no more but instead take a series of concubines, as befits someone of her rank, America's Sweetheart.
The New York Post ran its 4,037th outdoor photograph of Sarah Jessica Parker taping a scene from Sex and the City. It no longer even tries to find an excuse, captioning the photo simply, "The Usual."
The only newcomer to break into the Top Ten list of New York City baby names this year is Destiny, a girl's name, though there is no explanation of why it can't be used for boys. A few names you won't find on either list, despite their appropriateness, are Obesity, Mediocrity and Video.
Health officials in Hong Kong said that cockroaches may be to blame for spreading the virus causing that new and trendy ailment, SARS (Seriously Annoying Respiratory Screw-up). A spokesman for the roach lobby denied the charge, claiming that "It's probably a beetle causing the trouble, but we always get blamed. They look a lot like us, you know."
The producer of the The Core, which is not about apple residue but rather Hilary Swank traveling to the center of the earth to clear up some kind of plumbing problem, wrote a letter to a California paper to take issue with a critic who called the movie's plot line p reposterous. "Many geophysicists and deep-earth scientists believe we will be down there soon enough," wrote the producer. Maybe so, but the part where Swank finds Osama bin Laden hiding down there still seems a bit hard to swallow.
The CBS miniseries Hitler: The Rise of Evil (former title: "Not Such a Bad Guy When You Get to Know Him") started generating its second round of controversy (and it hasn't even aired yet) when director Christian Duguay told the media that he saw Hitler's rise as a cautionary tale for contemporary America. Media Person says all these liberal comparisons of the Bush Administration to the Nazis are just plain ridiculous. Except for Ashcroft, of course.
Madonna yanked her new video because she feared it might seem insensitive to our boys and girls fighting in Iraq. It was titled "Bush: The Rise of Evil."
The chairman of the Augusta Golf Club, whom Media Person might take more seriously if he weren't named Hootie Johnson, said his organization would never change its stand against admitting female members. "If I drop dead right now, our position will not change on this issue," he declared. This was followed by shouts of "Prove it! Prove it!"
Wonderbra model Eva Herzigova sued a Canadian underwear company that refused to pay her $30,000 fee because she showed up for the photo shoot with a short haircut the company didn't like. You know, it's shameful in this day and age how superficial and sexist some of these ad execs are. If a woman has great maracas, what difference does it make how long her hair is?
Talk about advertising that gets into your head. James Nelson of Kansas City, Mo., turned his head into a billboard for $7,000. He now walks around with the logo of CIHost.com, a Texas internet company, tattooed on the back of his skull. Ronzoni pasta said it would be the next advertiser to make use of the exciting new medium, with its new "Now That's Using Your Noodle" campaign.
Hugh Grant told Vanity Fair, "If I went to a party tonight and bumped into a fantastic girl ... I [would] definitely keep my thoughts open to the idea of settling down and breeding." This sounds to Media Person like a man who is definitely ready to go into the chinchilla business ... but why does he need a fantastic girl?
But wait ... we may have that fantastic girl right here! Nicole Kidman told People that even though she isn't out on the dating scene, "I'm waiting for someone to come rock my world." No word on how she feels about chinchillas, but if Hugh bumped her hard enough, that whole rocking thing could happen. You never know.
Media Person was appalled by the box-office success of Phone Booth, starring Irish bad boy Colin Farrell. It's about a man who answers a ringing public phone and finds himself talking to a demented, threatening sniper who won't let him off the line. But Phone Booth 2, already filming, is said to be even more harrowing. This time it's a telemarketer.
03/25/03: To go or not to go