Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2003 / 27 Adar I, 5763
Iraq needs a
dose of reality (TV)
Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein wants to debate President Bush, but Bush says no way. Hey, he won those Gore debates. No sense pushing his luck.
Still, there is something very appealing about a war in which only TV contestants have to outsmart, outfox and outlive each other. So how's about something more like:
FEAR FACTORY: Set in a moving truck somewhere near Basra, Saddam, Bush and TV's Melissa Rivers must sniff a spritzer that smells like Juicy Fruit, share forks with a guy whose scabs are oozing and eat a glowing California roll off the tummy of CNN's Christiane Amanpour.
ARE YOU SHOT? Oiled, buffed and stripped to their skivvies, the two potent potentates strut on stage and wag their weapons. Host Susan Sarandon votes on whom to eliminate first.
I'M A SPOKESMAN, GET ME OUT OF HERE! Iraqi frontman Tareq Aziz and White House press secretary Ari Fleischer are flown to the UN, where they face the most grueling of public relations challenges. Tonight: Will they really eat Osama Bin Laden's camel's testicles? Even if they're still attached to the camel?
GULF WAR REUNION: Norman Schwarzkopf (the Bossy Guy), Secretary of State Powell (Teacher's Pet), Saddam (the Bully), TV journalist Arthur Kent (the Scud Stud) and ex-Prez George Bush (the Wimp) meet again at the Sheraton Kuwait for dancing, drinks, maybe even a little late night diplomacy! Tonight: Norman snubs Colin. George gets sloshed with Art. Saddam confronts Norman: "How come you never came for me like you said you would?"
LE BACHELOR: Season finale. Will French President Jacques Chirac choose Cowboy George or sensual Saddy? When the boyish butcher pens a poem, "I'm lovable as a boil/but I've got oil," George starts looking more and more like Sarah Kozer without the bondage career to fall back on.
EXTREMIST MAKEOVER: Chosen from a mob of eager world leaders, Turkey's president gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance to remake his regime. But what happens if he uses his newly endowed coffers to Botox the Kurds? Stay tuned!
MAN VS. MIDDLE EAST: Brutal! Vice President Cheney is shipped to an undisclosed location - natch - to square off against the forces of Middle Eastern machismo. Who can clear a cafe quicker: one Palestinian with a lumpy backpack or Cheney promising a PowerPoint presentation on why we need new tax breaks for large sport-utility vehicles?
BIG BROTHER OF ALL BATTLES: One palace, five diplomatic celebrities! Who'll win the Nobel Peace Prize? Hans Blix, Jesse Jackson, Tony Blair, Boutros Boutros-Ghali and surprise guest Melissa Rivers share backrubs, baklava and intimate moments as billions smash their TV sets and take to the streets.
And coming soon: MEET MY NUKES, BURIED BY AMERICA and of course SURVIVOR: BAGHDAD - this time, it's armored personnel!
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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.
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