Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Dec. 31, 2002 / 26 Teves, 5763

Lenore Skenazy

Skenazy
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


You know, like, resolved


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Since Saddam Hussein doesn't seem to be making resolutions, we must pin our hopes on reforming those responsible for so much misery right here at home.

Teenagers.

Herewith, some resolutions for, like, the, like, you know, snarling set:

When I make my bed, this will consist of something other than smoothing the cover over a lamb-size lump of sheets, socks, pepperoni and sports equipment.

From now on, I will call the people I like "my friends" rather than "my posse."

At least two or three of these friends will be identified by first and last names to my parents, even though this constitutes a material breach of confidentiality.

When my mother asks me to, say, turn off the TV, I will not reply "okay" unless I actually mean to do something other than continue watching TV until she asks me again.

My path from kitchen to bedroom to bathroom will not be made obvious to all by the trail of spilled orange juice and Mountain Dew and/or popcorn bits.

I will not beg my parents for Grand Theft Auto Vice City more than once per conversation.

I will not say everyone else has Vice City until at least a minute has elapsed, which means, technically, I have only asked once per conversation, as promised.

When asked to define "everyone else," I will not shrug and suddenly conjure up names of heretofore never-mentioned "best friends" as examples.

In fact, I will not shrug when talking to my parents at all. Nor will I clench my fists, stare at the floor and/or shake my hair in front of my face, thereby daring them to make eye contact.

When I am too busy to clean my room, it will also mean that I am too busy to play another three rounds of Diablo II.

It will also mean I am too busy to instant message the friends I was just talking to on my "emergencies only" cell phone on the way home from talking to them at school.

All homework will be done promptly and neatly, including the stuff I may have accidentally left crumpled in the bottom of my backpack for a couple semesters.

Leftovers? Great!

Visit the relatives? I'm psyched.

No-name sneakers? So long as they're comfy!

Any candy hidden in my bed will be consumed before more is deposited there the next Halloween.

"Excuse me?" will mean "Excuse me," not "Are you the stupidest idiot on Earth?"

A nice compliment will no longer consist of, "Pretty earrings, mom. Do I get them when you die?"

When polar bears are huddling together for warmth, I will, at least partway, zip up my jacket.

I will not flatten myself against the car door as if desperate to escape the Lite FM coming from the radio.

I wonsh tawk wish food in my moush! (Shtarring tomowow.)

FOR GIRLS: I will consider a shirt acceptable even if it covers my navel.

FOR BOYS: I will consider myself presentable even if my pants go all the way up to my waist.

FOR GIRLS: I will not wear platform sandals in the rain.

FOR BOYS: I will not get hair gel on the toilet, tub or ceiling.

If I have changed my eating habits since yesterday, I will discuss these calmly, rather than blurting, "Chicken!" and bolting from the kitchen in hysterics.

I will treat my parents as nicely as I treat the other adults in my life. Especially strangers.

I will remember how awful a teen I was when, someday, I have teenagers of my own. I will then put them on the phone with grandma and grandpa, my heroes.

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.




JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.

Up

12/23/02: Warning: Art ahead
12/05/02: Hey, boss! Can you hear me now?
12/03/02: Raw & steamy food fight
11/19/02: The new power tie
11/12/02: Googling be gone
11/05/02: Time waits for no blender
10/28/02: As debate rages about 9-11 memorial, a perfect one quietly appears
10/24/02: Your health, their wealth
10/10/02: Sometimes death opens up the door
09/24/02: Reality hits Mickey
09/19/02: Should you report me to the authorities?
09/12/02: War and love: Romance rises from the ashes
08/30/02: If beer is good, spinoffs are great
08/13/02: Braving difficult steps
08/08/02: Can't trust those tourists!
08/02/02: Enquiring about the 'stars'? I already know
07/26/02: Reunions that defy history
07/18/02: Where'd all the logos go?
07/12/02: He's why Boomers leap and twist
07/09/02: Hold on, my molar's ringing
06/25/02: Pitching the fish fork
06/11/02: Water fad is bottled nonsense 06/11/02: 06/07/02: He who brings menus deserves praise
06/04/02: Relish This! The World Trade Center Hot Dog Guy has been found
05/23/02: The return of the tight squeeze
05/15/02: A Little Too Spicy
05/10/02: Okay, start the movie already!
05/07/02: If you win the lottery, you may be out of luck
05/01/02: Driven nuts by drive-time cell phoners
04/16/02: Chats of a lifetime
04/10/02: This Pet Has a Tail to Tell
03/26/02: Hey, New York - Take a Haiku
03/21/02: Your 'victim,' is my 'survivor' is somebody else's 'hero'?
03/19/02: Terrorists, get out your No. 2 pencils
03/14/02: Tribute Has City Back at its Windows
03/06/02: Dumping Ted: Gray Day For the Baby Boomers
02/27/02: Sometimes, lying's the best policy
02/20/02: The Fad That Won't Fade Away
02/12/02: The smoking gun of white-collar crime is making some folks very happy
02/05/02: Exterminators are evolving, too
02/01/02: Don't suffer … do drugs
01/22/02: The Blue Light of Happiness
01/18/02: Marlboro's surprising gift to U.S.
01/08/02: Hospitals make me sick
01/02/02: Read-Aloud Resolutions
12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
12/18/01: This Little Dog Bytes
12/13/01: Palm Pilot or Calendar? Paper Wins
12/07/01: The gift of 9/11
12/03/01: Altria Is Really Smokin'

© 2002, New York Daily News