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I am a man of the past. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed the things of the past. The architecture, paintings, books, clothing, movies, music, and much of the style of decades long ago has been things I have embraced. This is not to say that I reject all current culture, I certainly don't. Our modern age can bring good things too.
By and large, however, I prefer the things of previous times. Of course there's nothing inherently wrong in that, there are many people who can appreciate what once was, such as classic movies, classical music, and traditional furnishings. But I believe what sets me apart from most others, is the degree to which I cling to the past. I don't simply enjoy the past, I rely on it. And maybe just a tad too much.
Someone once said that in life all things come with an expiration date. That goes for everything, people, places, and things. In my case, although I understand and accept that fact full well, I nevertheless find it extremely upsetting when things I've lived with all my life suddenly disappear. When a special restaurant or department store, particularly one that I had enjoyed going to, goes out of business, it really saddens me. I suppose most people will simply shake their heads, say something like. "isn't that too bad," or "Well, nothing lasts forever." It's not so easy for me, I find it hard to shrug it off with an "Oh well."
I have wonderful memories of my childhood, of home life with dad, mom, my sister and brother. The trips we took, the holidays spent together, and just the day to day things we did back then. The jokes, the games, all the fun we had growing up, I recall we laughed a lot. Of course there were times not so great, but those times haven't stayed with me. I remember the best of my childhood and I miss that. I miss that family togetherness.
Time goes on, people grow up, they fall in love, they pursue careers, they move out. In my case, dad and mom have died and we three children have continued to live our lives without them. It's all very normal and everyone goes through it. Most people, I presume, who have been lucky enough to have had happy childhoods, remember those times with nostalgic fondness, perhaps wistfulness. It goes deeper for me.
Since my wife died, my longing for the past has gotten more profound. I grieve for Jane and miss her desperately, especially this time of the year, autumn was her favorite season. It starts with the Jewish holidays, then comes her birthday on October 13. She loved the changing of season, the cooler temperatures and the longer nights. And it always seemed to be a time of family. Our family had several birthdays during this time, and we always celebrated them together. Then of course we have Thanksgiving, the ultimate family get-together.
These days our family get-togethers are far and few between. My sister and brother have children and grandchildren and their lives have gone into different directions from mine. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is. Absolutely normal and understandable.
I have no children. When Jane was with me at least we had each other, even though she got terribly ill and had constant pain during her last few years, we still had each other. She was more than my wife, my true love, my friend, my partner, my sounding board, my traveling companion, my helpmate, my strength, and my joy. She was part of me, my reason for being. She was my family. Oh, how I miss her.
So, that's the way it is. It's only just recently that I've come to understand how truly dependent I am on the old ways, old times, and old things in general. For me it is much more than nostalgia. The past was my everything. My life. I will get through this holiday season once again. My memories and my sadness will fill the hours.
I will go on with my life, even though most of it is behind me. It seems that everything that ever meant anything to me is gone. My father. My mother. My career. My favorite stores. My favorite restaurants. The family get-togethers. And my Jane, the love of my life, who shared so many of these with me. My Jane is gone too. That's the very worst of it. I am inconsolable. I miss her with every breath I take. I miss all that we had. And I long for the past more than ever before.
Living only in the past is not healthy, of course. But that is where I am. I'm hopeful that in time, and with God's help, I will find a way to cherish the beautiful things of the past, while at the same time savoring and being grateful for each new day of life that lies ahead. When that happens I'll be a man of the past, present, and future. A man for all times, so to speak.
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