Calling Names

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"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

As we all know, (or do we?) that famous adage is from William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet, in which Juliet seems to argue that it does not matter that Romeo is from her family's rival house of Montague. The reference is used to declare that the names of things do not affect what they really are. It's a nice idea and sometimes it might be true.

But not always.

If a rose had the name of a garbage pile or cesspool or festering mucus pus, it might still smell the same but we might not enjoy it all that much. Bringing your sweetheart a dozen cesspools just doesn't have the same romantic ring to it somehow.

Sometimes just altering a few letters of a word can make a big difference in meaning. Switch the first letter in rose with another letter and instead of smelling roses you might be smelling noses. Or smelling hoses. "Falling in love" is beautiful, but change a couple of the letters in the word love and you have "falling in lube" which doesn't have quite the same cachet.

Would Cary Grant be as debonair if he went by his real given name of Archibald Leach? Would Doris Day be as cute if she kept her given name, Doris Mary Anne Kappelhoff? And does Bernard Schwartz have the same leading man quality as Tony Curtis? How about Issur Danielovitch starring as Spartacus instead of Kirk Douglas? Not quite the same, eh?

Not all nicknames work for all people either. The name of actor James Stewart still sounds fine if you call him Jimmy Stewart. James Cagney works fine as Jimmy Cagney. But, James Arness, the actor who portrayed Matt Dillon on TV's Gunsmoke, just doesn't sound right if you call him Jimmy Arness. Say Bobby Darin and we think of the finger snapping swinger from the 60's singing Mack the Knife. Say Robert Darin and it means nothing.

John Lennon was one of the "Fab Four." Johnny Lennon is a hack comedian who never made it. Johnny Carson, yes. John Carson, no. Johnny Depp, yes. John Depp, no. Alfred Hitchcock, yes. Alfie Hitchcock, are you kidding me, not a chance. Benjamin Franklyn was an important founding father. Benny Franklyn fixes wrist watches at his store in the mini mall.

Barbara Stanwick congers up a classic movie actress. Babs Stanwick congers up a waitress. Think of Elizabeth Taylor and you see a sexy beautiful actress. I don't know who Betty Taylor could be, except maybe some plain girl from your 3rd grade class. On the other hand, Bette Davis was one of the screen's most vibrant top actresses. Elizabeth Davis might be a writer or would most likely be a dowdy librarian.

Would Beverly Hills sound as glamorous if the place were called Skid Row? Interestingly, cities and jurisdictions have been engaged in name changing for some time now, in an attempt to make a place with a negative connotation sound better. Where I live, in southern California, we have an upscale neighborhood called Toluca Lake. We also have a low class neighborhood next door called North Hollywood which has been in decline for years. So what did our city fathers do about it? Well, they changed the name of parts of North Hollywood to Toluca Woods. It's the same place with a new name. It doesn't improve the neighborhood one bit, but it sure makes the realtors happy.

If my name were Clark Gable would I suddenly look more handsome, sexy, and robust? If I changed my name to Fred Astaire would I be a great dancer? Or here's an easy one, all I have to do is change my first name to Bing. Voila! I'll have a fabulous baritone singing voice.

Guess what? It just occurred to me that I've inadvertently made Shakespeare's point. Just as a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, a Greg Crosby by any other name would still be a clumsy dancer and an off key singer.

I wouldn't look like Gable either

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