Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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•President Trump pressured Venezuela's President Maduro to step down from power, seizing oil tankers and destroying drug boats. After oil and cocaine, Venezuela's only other export is middle infielders. If Maduro doesn't abdicate, base stealers will be coming in high at second base until he does.

• Business Insider reports huge nationwide retail business activity Friday with Boxing Day sales prices even lower than Black Friday sales. Here in Los Angeles, it was the typical madhouse on the day after Christmas. Stores were packed with Angelenos trying to return all the gifts they shoplifted.

• The Weather Channel reported three huge storms plaguing the U.S. over Christmas. A massive snowfall swept the Eastern Seaboard, a blizzard hit Chicago off the Great Lakes and So Cal was smashed by cold rainstorms. On Friday morning, it was so cold in L.A. I saw a pigeon walk into KFC and surrender.

• President Trump ordered ISIS positions in Nigeria bombed on Christmas Day for its attacks on Christian schools. The bombing set a dangerous precedent. From now on, on Christmas Day, any school that defeated Notre Dame, Brigham Young or Southern Methodist during the season is fair game.

• FBI Director Kash Patel announced the FBI is moving out of the J. Edgar Hoover Building. It was named for the feared, iron-willed man who founded and ran the FBI for 50 years, whom many considered irreplaceable. Love him or hate him, J. Edgar Hoover left behind some very high heels to fill.

• Las Vegas is set to welcome 400,000 visitors to Sin City for the annual New Year's Eve parties and fireworks. Years ago, my best friend from college went to Vegas and lost half his life savings in 30 minutes, and he says it still hurts. To this day, he won't drive anywhere near that wedding chapel.

• President Trump unveiled plans for the new Trump-class U.S. Navy battleship. He says it's the best battleship in history. The ship is equipped with solid gold toilets, a ballroom and a McDonald's, and it has a plank that sticks out over the water for late-night talk show hosts to walk.

• President Trump moved in on seizing a third Venezuelan oil tanker Friday as a Coast Guard cutter closed in on the vessel. Trump caused concerns saying we will keep the oil. Dick Cheney would have at least had the decency to lie to the American people and say the oil was cut with Fentanyl.

• Jimmy Kimmel flew to London to post a Christmas Day message accusing the U.S. of devolving into fascism under Trump and calling Americans dumb. He doesn't have to suffer like this. Back when I suffered from Obama Derangement Syndrome, I took Mucinex, and it made me a lot less snotty.

• Homeland Security paid Palau in the South Pacific $7 million to take in up to 100 U.S. illegal migrants. Even 80 years after World War II Palau's number-one export is still scrap metal. This gives you an idea of how many Japanese ships we sank in the bay during our last market opening there.

• The Biden family posted their Christmas family photo with Joe on the back row, almost totally blocked out by Jill. Hunter is in the center of the photo. It's a Biden family tradition that before every Christmas dinner, they all take their seats, join hands, close their eyes, and get their story straight.

• The Dominican Republic reports that the last drug speedboat destroyed by the U.S. Navy dumped 1,000 kilos of cocaine into the Caribbean Sea. As much sugar as these islands could add to the mix it would just take a desalinization plant to churn the entire Caribbean into Coca-Cola's original formula.

• Senator Bernie Sanders agreed to swear-in his fellow Socialist Zohran Mamdani as New York Mayor next weekend. I'll say this for Bernie, he is a true believer. As a boy growing up in Brooklyn, when all his friends would play Cowboys and Indians, Bernie always played the Chinese railroad worker.

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