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• The Indianapolis Colts made news last week after losing 3 quarterbacks by signing popular 44-year-old Philip Rivers, who retired in 2020 after a 20-year career. Rivers fathered his 10th child 2 years ago. Three times in his career he had to go to the medical tent on the sideline to knock up his wife.
• Michigan fired Coach Moore for cheating on his wife with a staffer, a girl he just fired to get out of the affair, prompting her to bust him. He then tried to break into her house with a knife. Like many little boys in the '70s he wanted to grow up and be just like O.J. Simpson and he almost pulled it off.
• The New York Times interviewed Kamala Harris Tuesday who said there'll be a marble bust of her in the U.S. Capitol. She boasted of her biracial background, saying her father was black and her mother a South Asian Indian. During the George Floyd riots her dad looted her mother's 7-Eleven.
• Senator Chuck Schumer hosted a U.S. Capitol ceremony, the lighting of the Menorah on the first day of Hanukkah. My first year in L.A. in 1976 Mitzi Shore invited me to her home dinner ceremony. When the Menorah was passed to me, I closed my eyes, made a wish and blew out the candles.
• Yachting World reported that Naples has been selected as the site for the next America's Cup yachting race in 2017. The high seas beckon to those of us with British blood. In the most recent Olympics sailing event, Australia took the Gold, England took the Silver, and the U.S. took the Oil Tanker.
• President Trump announced Wednesday the Coast Guard, the FBI and federal agents seized a Venezuelan oil tanker in the Caribbean flying under a false flag. So under the Trump Doctrine, the oil boats are seized and the drug boats are blown up. So if I were a drug runner, I'd do it in an oil tanker.
• President Trump informed reporters Thursday he intended to keep the oil and the tanker that he had seized off the coast of Venezuela. His enthusiasm can be contagious. Right after the huge oil tanker was in U.S. hands, Trump announced to the American people we now have a floating ballroom.
• The Center for Human Drug Research will conduct human trials in Amsterdam in 2026 on a Fentanyl vaccine that blocks the opioid effects and prevents ODs. It could save speedboats. If Donald Trump hits one more drug boat with a missile he wins his choice of any stuffed animal along the top row.
• Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was roasted by Senate Democrats in committee hearings last week over the drug boat strikes in the Caribbean. To be fair, destroying these boats risks creating a cocaine shortage in Hollywood. It could force Andy Dick to get well and lose all his entertainment value.
• President Trump gave the decision-making on the drug boat strikes entirely to the Pentagon last week. So, Trump blew up 22 drug boats but then he pardoned the ex-President of Honduras who smuggled hundreds of pounds of cocaine into the U.S. I'd say that smells suspicious but my nose is numb.
• Luigi Mangione was in court for a hearing in New York Thursday in the murder trial of the health care CEO. Women swoon when he enters the courthouse. MGM Studio wants to pair him with Susan Sarandon in Thelma and Luigi but this time they drive off the parking roof of Kaiser Permanente.
• BLM organizer Tashella Dickerson was indicted for wire fraud and money laundering last week in OKC. She raised $5.6 million for bail funds for George Floyd rioters, then pocketed $3.15 million when the bail refunds were returned. If convicted she could get 4-8 years as president of Somalia.
• A Costa Mesa woman was charged with registering her dog to vote in the 2021 Gavin Newsom recall election. The dog pays nothing for its food and lodging and every mess it makes gets cleaned up by others. If that dog voted to recall Gavin, it should be kicked out of the Democratic Party for ingratitude.
• The U.S. Senate deadlocked over competing health care proposals Thursday. Democrats want to extend Obamacare and the GOP wants health savings accounts. If I proposed a garlic pill a day plus a 6-mile jog for lifelong health, it'd get a big laugh, and then the insurance lobby would have me whacked.
• Australia banned kids under 16 from social media, hoping they experience the excitement of the real world. My dad was a 21-year-old U.S. Army pilot in Australia, where every day they played Kill or be Killed with Japanese pilots. And not a cell phone among them, everyone just living in the moment.
• The Indianapolis Colts signed QB Philip Rivers Monday, who retired in 2020 after 20 years in the NFL and an All-American career at North Carolina State. It's a risky move. No one wants to say Philip Rivers is old, but he's the last man ever drafted by both the NFL and the Confederate Army.
• Michigan fired coach Sherrone Moore citing an inappropriate relationship Wednesday after he was arrested. College players have more latitude off the field, especially if they are stars. O.J. ran the 40-yard dash in 4.1 seconds at USC so no one noticed the way he stabbed at his steak at the training table.
• Andy Dick collapsed on the sidewalk of his Hollywood neighborhood on Wednesday of a drug overdose. The fact that Andy is still alive is a medical miracle. I find it amazing that Andy's been drinking heavily and doing cocaine for forty years and the only thing he's had removed are his children.
• President Trump met with reporters in the White House Wednesday where Trump announced that he ordered the U.S. Navy to seize an oil tanker in the Caribbean off the coast of Venezuela. I'm glad to see the president is following my foreign policy advice. If you can't deport the Somalis, join them.
• President Trump aired video of U.S. agents rappelling down from helicopters in the Caribbean to seize the Venezuelan tanker, and said we're going to keep the oil. Partisan reaction was vicious and noisy. In one day the Democrats stopped calling Trump Hitler and started calling him Dick Cheney.
• Homeland Security chief Kristi Noem bought a fleet of Boeing 737 airliners Tuesday to deport illegal aliens even faster. I'd say fair is fair. If Somalis can use America's generous welfare system to scam U.S. taxpayers out of billions, we can use the Somalis to make sure that the new 737s fly safely now.
• ICE agents pepper-sprayed protestors in Minneapolis as they closed on Somalis Tuesday. How cool is it for the Somalis in Minnesota to get to fly home for the holidays. I can envision a Hallmark holiday movie next year about this week's ICE roundup in Minneapolis called Christmas in Mogadishu.
• The White House launched a President Trump tour touting the rapidly improving strength of the U.S. economy. Some Trump policies have backfired. The South American drug cartels announced Wednesday due to recent supply chain problems they are raising prices and laying off 100 U.S. politicians.
• Elon Musk called for the European Union to be disbanded Wednesday after the EU fined X $140 million for its free speech policy. He urged each Euro nation to reclaim its sovereignty and its rights. EU speech is so restricted every comedy club in France has installed a guillotine on the premises.
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