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May 10th, 2024

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published December 11, 2023

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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Health News magazine ran an article extolling the benefits of a diet heavy in fruits in order to aid the digestive system. There's a lot of information on this. Last weekend, I decided to follow the advice that a banana a day cleans out your colon but then today I found out you're supposed to eat them.

The Gallup Poll reported the average American will spend about a thousand dollars on holiday gifts while shopping for gifts this month. While I was in La Jolla last Christmas, I went to the local pawn shop to get a little holiday money. They gave me five thousand dollars and they didn't even take the gun.

Daily Variety gave Maestro starring Bradley Cooper rave reviews about the life of the composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein. He wears a prosthetic nose for the role. Bradley Cooper's portrayal of Leonard Bernstein is so authentic that it's earning him Oscar buzz and threats from Harvard students.

Congress held hearings Tuesday into anti-Semitism exploding across campuses. The shooter at the UNLV campus Wednesday turned out to be a guy who'd been turned down for a professor's job. All he had to do was dye his hair green and say he hated Jews and he would have been hired on the spot.

President Biden angrily denied every meeting with Hunter's business associates or receiving any money from his son. Records show that Hunter funneled thousands and thousands of dollars to his father through his shell company called Owasco. It's named after Elizabeth Warren's Indian tribe.

President Biden glared at reporters Tuesday who asked if he stood by what he told donors that he is only running for president to block Trump from getting elected. Biden now says if Trump drops out he will still run. Normally when two old guys fight like this it's in the balcony of the Muppet Theater.

Donald Trump returned to New York court for his civil case Monday. The state Democratic Attorney General and an elected Democratic judge want to nail Trump for fraud when no one was defrauded. If Democrats continue to make Trump a martyr he's going to wind up in the Oval Office with 72 virgins.

Pearl Harbor Naval Base held ceremonies Thursday to mark the eighty-second anniversary of the Japanese attack on Hawaii. Pearl Harbor Day annually reminds me that Asians are such bad drivers in Los Angeles that I believe it's possible those kamikaze attacks on U.S. ships were just accidents.

The Holiday Bowl announced it was able to land the USC Trojans and the Louisville Cardinals to play their post-season bowl in San Diego. We're seeing a whole new breed of college players. USC quarterback Caleb Williams is not playing because he was denied partial ownership of the Holiday Bowl.

Hollywood icon Norman Lear died Wednesday at the age of one hundred and one. He brought brilliant sitcoms to network TV which deployed brilliant satire to lampoon America's social and racial issues in the freewheeling '70s. Lear's death was preceded by our nation's ability to laugh at itself.

Cosmopolitan ran an article advising women on the five ways to deal with sexism. We've made much progress since the '70s. I went to Cairo on spring break in 1975 where an Egyptian offered me sixty camels for my girlfriend and I told him if he's willing to upgrade to Marlboro Lights, he had a deal.

NCAA swimmer Riley Gaines was accused during House hearings Tuesday of being a trans-phobic bigot by a Democratic congresswoman for opposing biological men participating in women's sports. It's difficult for me to comment. A trans joke is a joke with all the good parts medically removed.

Taylor Swift was named Time magazine's Person of the Year Wednesday. Taylor Swift joins an elite group of honorees that includes Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin and Elon Musk. Time wanted to honor the leader of Hamas, Yahya Sinwar, who's now in Gaza but he wasn't available for photographs.

White House interns sent a letter to President Biden accusing Israelis of genocide and insisting that the U.S. back the Palestinians. The interns think they're foreign policy advisors. I never thought I would miss the relationship between the White House interns and President Bill Clinton, but here we are.

The Washington Post reported that twelve hundred Americans have flown to Israel in order to serve in the Israeli Defense Forces to battle terrorism. Allegiances cut both ways. Bill Cosby just flew to Gaza to join Hamas and get the United Nations Women's Conference off his back for raping women.

Beverly Hills synagogues hired extra security for Hanukkah which began Thursday night with ceremonial dinners whose rituals go back two thousand years. I'm sickened by the current pall over these dinners. If anti-Semitism got any worse, this year Door Dash would be offering to deliver to attics.

Politico reported President Biden concluded he has the right to seize the patents of high-priced medicines. He's set to make health care a campaign issue and he wants provide free drugs to needy patients. Until now the only way to get free drugs in America was to wear a really short skirt to the party.

Joe Biden demanded another sixty billion for Ukraine Wednesday after denying he ever talked to Hunter's overseas business partners. It turns out that investing in Hunter in 2015 was a better investment than investing in Apple in 1984. It did not take Ukrainians long to get the hang of capitalism.

Al Gore spoke to the UN climate panel and called for a ban on social media algorithms that he said lead people into rabbit holes, calling algorithms an abuse of the public forum. He's one to talk. Al Gore once demonstrated Al Gore Rhythm when he stood completely still while dancing the Macarana.

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