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Are the kids too loud? I said: ARE THE KIDS TOO LOUD? Or, more likely, too quiet and bathed in an iPhone glow?
Solution: Open the door.
Especially if there are cousins around. Give one of the kids a watch. (Explain that it's like a portable sundial.) Show them that they can come back in when the big hand reaches ... up to you. Then close the door behind them — adults indoors, kids out.
I suggest this so you can have a very happy holiday and the younger relatives can have a very educational one — according to Yale University.
You see, for the past generation or two, it has been getting harder and harder for parents to spend any time separate from their kids. They worry that any moment their wunderkinds aren't being watched, helped and especially pumped full of knowledge, they are in danger of being hurt or — god forbid — falling behind.
But Yale has taken one of those worries off the Thanksgiving plate. A study published in The Journal of Child Development found that when adults are told that kids are actually "learning" by doing things on their own, the adults stop intervening as much. Presumably this means they stop tying shoes, zippering backpacks and playing endless games that the kids should be playing with other kids. (Especially if the game involves a chute or a ladder.)
"When an adult steps in and completes a task for a young child, it can deprive the child of an opportunity to learn how to complete the task by themselves, which potentially harms their ability to develop self-efficacy, autonomy, and other important life skills," said lead author Reut Shachnai. "Our findings suggest that framing everyday tasks as 'learning opportunities' can significantly reduce overparenting, and in turn boost children's independence, persistence, and resilience."
That's what I've been saying for about 20 years — and what Maria Montessori was saying about a century ago: Doing things for our kids that they are ready (or almost ready) to do themselves deprives them of the opportunity to master a skill. And what makes any of us feel great? Mastering a skill! Making that nicely browned turkey. Or at least adding half a stick of margarine to the Stove Top stuffing and serving it up unscorched.
The Yale study was quite clever. First, the researchers interviewed 77 parents of kindergarten-age kids. From this they learned that parents try to intervene LESS when they think their kids are learning something (say, doing a puzzle) than when the kids are just doing some mundane activity (say, not putting on their boots).
Then, at a children's museum in Philly, the researchers recruited 30 kids to do something novel and slightly hard: Put on hockey gear.
The researchers told half the parents that putting on the gear represented a chance to learn a life skill. It's educational! They told the other half that putting on the gear was a way to engage with the museum.
The parents who'd been told this was a learning opportunity intervened about half as many times — 4.4 — as the control group (8.6 times).
Yale assistant professor of psychology Julia Leonard, the study's lead author, said that considering how intensive parenting has become, "We can recommend to parents, teachers and mentors alike: The next time you find yourself tempted to complete a task for a child, take a moment to appreciate all that they can learn from trying to complete the task on their own."
That means sitting on the couch with family and maybe a glass of wine while the kids do the dishes — or at least organize their own game of tag — isn't being lazy. You're facilitating the children's education! They should be thankful!
As should we all, for kids who can entertain themselves.