Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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USC coach Lincoln Riley faces the axe this weekend after 5 seasons if his Trojans lose to Ohio State. USC stole Lincoln from Oklahoma, who offered him the same $10 million to stay in Norman, but USC won him with the offer of a $2 million home in L.A. It's a 2 bedroom fixer-upper in the Valley.

• President Trump and Barack Obama traded insults all weekend while they campaigned in Michigan. Obama said Trump's White House looks like Saddam opened a Cheesecake Factory, but he's no architect himself. The Obama Library looks like Darth Vader opened a Scientology Center.

• Barack Obama arrived in Michigan this week to campaign for Democrats and Obama blasted away at Trump with a vengeance. It's a fact that Trump was a life-long Democrat until 2009 when Obama became president. He then switched parties and spent the next 17 years as a registered Defendant.

• Alabama mandated display of a poster of the 10 Commandments along with the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Mayflower Compact. However the Mayflower Compact requires allegiance to the King of England. It's a little something the poster threw in for the Southerners.

• Ilhan Omar faces a fraud probe for posing as 17 when she was 18 to get automatically allowed in the U.S. from Somalia. This was a ploy widely used twenty years ago. At the time, claiming the age of 17 would grant her entry into the United States, not to mention political asylum on Epstein Island.

• Halloween approaches Saturday with kids dressed up as monsters and goblins haunting their neighborhood while the world's grownups deal with even scarier scenarios. Iranians fear an all-out war out with the U.S. military while Americans fear Thanksgiving with their relatives. I call that a draw.

• Instagram on Monday began testing a new option called Features which would allow content creators to air 90-minute videos on Instagram. It would be a new destination platform for podcasters and political activists and comedians. The goal is 60 million followers, if you want to tie Hitler's record.

• Microsoft on Monday offered a voluntary buyout program to 60,000 employees as the company turns to AI for greater efficiency. The voluntary packages are offered to workers in the United States, Canada, England and India. If you refuse the retirement offer you're free to jump out of Windows 2026.

• Former Labor Secretary and MSNBC pundit Robert Reich called for de-funding Elon Musk by the federal government nationalizing SpaceX and StarLink satellites. Reich bitterly opposed Musk buying Twitter in 2022 and restoring free speech. I can see why since Reich was getting $50,000 a speech.

• Fox News reports U.S. forces are poised for a major attack on Iran after Election Day. It was reported Monday that residents of Teheran this week are flooding stores and buying up rice, water, medicine and emergency supplies, in a wave of panic-buying. It's our most successful voter turnout campaign yet.

• President Trump called Bill Maher a pothead Monday, blasting Maher for showing up at their second White House dinner drinking. He's funny, drunk, stoned and he jokes about both parties. In other words Bill may be the only one your family can trust to sit near the carving knife this Thanksgiving.

• Kamala Harris led an all-star cast of Democrats to campaign for candidates in the Swing States last weekend, but working the road is no picnic. While campaigning outdoors for Democrats in Ohio, Senator Liz Warren was bit on the arm by a mosquito. And just like that, there went all her Indian blood.

• Russell Brand's rape trial in London entered its third week with lurid testimony from women describing his insatiable sexual appetite. He's running for Mayor of London in 2028. I guess holding high public office is the closest thing he can come to achieving his lifelong dream of screwing everybody.

• Democrats in Alaska slipped a second Dan Sullivan onto the ballot to siphon votes from GOP Senator Dan Sullivan. Last week, the White House put out a $1,000,000 reward to anyone who reports any instance of voter fraud. It caused a counter-offer of $2 million by Democrats not to report it.

• The DOJ launched a probe into Democrats in Alaska who put up a Democrat civilian named Dan Sullivan to siphon votes from GOP Senator Dan Sullivan. Hillary Clinton claims this is how she lost in 2016 when Republicans slipped The Wicked Witch of the West on the ballot and split the vote.

• The DOJ launched a probe into Democrats in Alaska who put up a Democrat civilian named Dan Sullivan to go on the ballot against GOP Senator Dan Sullivan. You ask, what's in a name? Actors in Hollywood named Donald are changing their names to Adolf for a better chance at landing an agent.

• Barack Obama got a nice laugh in Michigan saying Trump's decorated the White House with so much gold it looks like Saddam Hussein opened a Cheesecake Factory. Barack shouldn't talk. Obama's library looks like a place you might be taken to if you know a little too much about the Clintons.

• Consumer Reports says Americans will spend an average of $90 on Thanksgiving Dinner this year to honor the English Pilgrim feast in Plymouth Colony. Last November, I bought a lottery ticket to help raise funds for the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. First prize was a frozen turkey.

• President Trump and Melania gave out Halloween candy to costumed kids at the South Portico Thursday kicking off the holiday that originated in the Church of England. Interestingly, J ehovah's Witnesses refuse to observe Halloween. Apparently they don't like total strangers knocking on their door.

• The West Hollywood Halloween Parade featured 2 cowboys on horses in tribute to Brokeback Mountain's 20th anniversary. It was quite a sight. Being from Oklahoma, I can ride Western saddle or English saddle but I can't ride bareback, and that's the only way they ask you to ride in West Hollywood.

• The Hollywood Reporter detailed Brad Pitt's decision to give up his seven years of AA sobriety in a post in which Pitt announced he will engage in controlled drinking. My late pal comic pal Ollie Joe Prater thought alcohol was the answer to everything. He didn't drink, he was just awful at Jeopardy.

• NASA Administrator Jared Isaacman updated reporters on the progress of the Artemis moon flights. The space agency just launched a nationwide school program to teach about the history of space travel. Today's kids don't even know who Neil Armstrong was, or what kind of trumpet he played.

• Barack Obama enjoyed whipping up crowds in Michigan on behalf of Democrat candidates as in past elections. I recognized him at a Beverly Hills fundraiser in 2008 and I asked him, Senator Obama do you face any racism as you campaign for president? The guy replied, I'm Denzel Washington.

• The White House granted refugee statues to white South African farmers who face violence and threats of land appropriation from tribal land seizure advocates who lead crowds in chants of Kill the Boer! In response to the threats, many of the farmers are fleeing to the whitest country in Africa, Chad.

• The CDC announced Thursday that everyone flying into the U.S. must state they have not been in the Congo for the past 21 days to help prevent a worldwide spread of Ebola. Ebola causes sleepiness headaches and feelings of nausea and is very hard to get rid of. Is this a virus or a James Taylor album?

• National Geographic reports marine biologists discovered that fish in the rivers in the Pacific Northwest are starting to test positive for cocaine. I witnessed evidence that supports their findings. Last night at Long John Silver's I noticed that the cook was chopping up the salmon with his credit card.

• Men's Health magazine published a list of indoor exercises to help keep Baby Boomer men in physical shape in their 70s. The other night while I was lying on my living room floor and watching TV, I did one thousand crunches in only 10 minutes. That was the fastest I ever ate a bag of potato chips.

• The New York Post reports the U.S. made plans for a massive attack on Iran after the mid-term elections Tuesday to knock out the regime once and for all. That explains one thing. I hate to leave the Comedy Store for two weeks but I just picked up a road gig in December as the interim Shah of Iran.

• The Hollywood Reporter detailed Brad Pitt's decision to give up his seven years of AA sobriety and to engage to what Pitt called controlled drinking. This really got the ball rolling. Inspired by Brad Pitt's courage Hunter Biden announced plans to limit himself to doing crack and strippers socially.

• Democratic Senate and House Leaders Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries vowed extensive committee probes of Trump if the Democrats take the House and Senate. Whenever I think there is no hope for Congress, I try to remember that even the Titanic did some things right. The pool is still full.

• Speaker Mike Johnson ridiculed reports that the Republicans would refuse to yield power in Congress if Democrats take over the House or Senate. He committed to a peaceful transfer of power in a TV interview deep inside the Capitol building. It was shot in the basement, just like the Romanoffs.

• British Prime Minister Andy Burnham launched his Be Ready campaign urging Londoners to stock up on 3 days supplies of food, water and supplies. You can't be too careful in this world. India in the recent past threatened to bomb the highest population areas of Pakistan and London tops the list.

• The Ayatollah Khameini instructed Iran's regime Thursday to end the current state of neither war nor peace with the U.S. There are signs the regime is softening. Organized street demonstrators in Iran now carry signs that read Change-of-Season Cold to America and refer to us as Moderate Satan.

• President Trump speaking in Texas Wednesday declared the Strait of Hormuz is completely open. He went on to suggest the Strait of Hormuz be renamed after himself, the Strait of Trump. I don't know, he's got to stop praising men's bodies onstage before anything straight gets named after him.

• The New York Times reported on a documentary which alleges that the late Senator Lindsay Graham paid 3 male escorts for sex at different times. His conservative supporters are shocked over reports of Lindsay engaging in gay sex. I can't believe it took him dying to get to the bottom of this.

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