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• Black Friday got underway in Los Angeles amid retailer concerns over looting by flash mobs causing WalMart to post armed guards to prevent lootings and discourage shootings. I'm asking the public that if I ever get shot at a WalMart, please drag my body to a Target. Let me die with dignity.
• The Rolling Stones announced their North American tour in 2024 Tuesday. The Stones like Paul McCartney and Ringo and Willie Nelson are in their eighties, while Ozzy Osborne, Alice Cooper and Elton in their late seventies. I think it proves that rap stars have been doing the wrong drugs.
• Donald Trump stepped on Joe Biden's birthday Monday by posting a sparkling health report by his doctor, who examined the former president. It says that Trump is in perfect health and scored perfectly on his mental acuity test. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden released the results of his latest autopsy.
• Donald Trump will remain on the ballot in Colorado after a judge dismissed a challenge based on a 14th Amendment clause barring insurrectionists from public office. It just never ends. Democrats have put their opposition to the death penalty on hold until their treason charges against Trump play out.
• President Biden emerged from a Nantucket fire station on Thanksgiving Day unable to update reporters on any progress in the hostage-for-prisoner negotiations between Israel and Hamas. The exchange kept getting pushed back. So far the only captives set free this week are two American turkeys.
• Palestinians were urged by Tel Aviv to jettison Hamas and adopt a responsible government. Their allies range from terror-supporting Iran, Syria and Lebanon to Jordan and Egypt who won't admit them. Having Palestine as your ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.
• New York Mayor Eric Adams denied accusations made in a sexual assault suit filed against him in an alleged encounter in 1993. Just last week, the FBI seized Adams' phone and laptop in a campaign finance probe. I think he can get all the charges dropped if he changes his plea to the Border is Secure.
• L.A. District Attorney George Gascon is being pressured to drop his cashless bail policy due to the spike in crime. We live in our own special world out here. A man was arrested at LAX last week carrying eight pounds of heroin in a plastic bag, and he was charged with possession of a plastic bag.
• Crypto con man Sam Bankman-Fried awaits sentencing in New York jail this week. Sam reeled in new investors while paying dividends to old investors and then skimming off the middle until the debt exploded. At sentencing, he could get ten-to-twenty years as head of the Social Security Administration.
• DOJ attorneys reported Thursday a chain of Asian brothels brought in a huge amount of money operating out of homes in Washington D.C. and near Harvard in Boston. Members of Congress are always at risk of getting infected. You can't screw three hundred million people and not catch something.
• The Department of Transportation reported that fifty-five million Americans hit the road this past holiday weekend by road, air and rail. The modern Thanksgiving tradition traces its origins to 1621. In their wisdom, the Pilgrims scheduled it on a Thursday so they would have a four-day weekend.
• Thanksgiving brought families together in tense times not alleviated by a comedian at the table Thursday. My date told me not to joke about politics at her liberal Democratic family's dinner and just bring some wine. Imagine the joy of their faces when I showed up with three quarts of Trump Wine.
• Indianapolis Colts owner James Irsay claimed that his 2014 arrest for drunk driving was due to prejudice against rich white billionaires. I totally agree and it's never the fault of the alcoholic. Like me, James Irsay has been to rehab so many times the Betty Ford cafeteria named a burger after him.
• Billboard reports the Rolling Stones will tour the United States and Canada in 2024 starting in Houston in late April and ending in Northern California in July. The band posted their help-wanted notices in the stagehand union trade papers for the tour. They're looking to hire roadies and pallbearers.
• Kim Kardashian was named GQ's Man of the Year and she mourned her late father Robert in the magazine interview. He broke a rule to have that family. Bob and I worked out in the same gym in the late 1970s, and there was a sign on the wall in the weight room that read Do Not Bang Dumbbells.
• Kanye West said he's taking a break from his week-long marriage, citing the mental strain it has put on him. Hitler survived mustard gas, six years of Allied bombing and an assassination attempt via time bomb but he killed himself one day after he married Eva Braun. The point is, marriage is tough.
• Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yielded to pressure by the White House and agreed to a four-day halt in the fighting to allow for a hostages-for-prisoners swap with Hamas. That's not all. Hamas just agreed to release more hostages if Israel will agree to pack up and move to New Mexico.
• The Chicago Tribune reports Venezuelan illegal migrants flown to Chicago from Texas are now returning to Venezuela. They're disenchanted with the life they found here. They arrived hoping to achieve the American Dream, which is the ability to fill up your gas tank without robbing a liquor store.
• The Census Bureau issued a report criticizing Millennials for waiting so long to get married and starting families because the U.S. birth rate is dipping to dangerously low levels. It's an institution beyond my comprehension. I never understand why people get married until I try to put on a fitted sheet.
• The New York Post reports sixty-two percent of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck and under great strain. When I was first out of college and on my own for the first time, I lived paycheck to paycheck. But today, thanks to perseverance and hard work, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
• Israel's cabinet met Tuesday to discuss a brief cease fire to allow hostages to be exchanged for prisoners. It'd also give time for outside agencies to deliver humanitarian aid to the Palestinians. The hospitals in Gaza City are reported to be running dangerously low on bullets and grenade launchers.
• Argentina upset the political world Tuesday by electing Libertarian Javier Milei president, who promises to get rid of the political class, cut taxes, and open up free markets. His election had to cause Trump great joy. He now knows there's at least one country that would never extradite him to New York.
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