Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The World Series continuing this weekend between the Houston Astros and Philadelphia Phillies was highlighted on Tuesday by a combined no-hitter by five Astros pitchers. The pitching gem was a service to our country. The Phillies wear red baseball caps so they are clearly a threat to our democracy.

• US News and World Report hired a panel of health experts to rank the top diets and they ranked the Mediterranean Diet as the best diet, but also ranking high were the Dash Diet, the Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig. Last month, I finally found a diet plan that really works. It's called the Price of Food.

• The Powerball Lottery jackpot surged past one billion dollars after Monday's drawing. Records show that most lottery jackpot prize winners spend all their winnings in five years. However, if you take your worst character trait and multiply it by ten thousand, you realize that five years is a pretty good run.

• The Postal Service said to mail or ship packages a week before Christmas to ensure delivery. Staff shortages have delayed postal customer service the entire year. Last Tuesday in Los Angeles a woman had a baby while waiting in line at the post office, and she was six months pregnant when she got in line.

• National Retail Federation forecasts holiday sales of nine hundred sixty billion dollars, heavy on home electronics this year. Whenever I go shop at Best Buy, I always ask where the store's most expensive and least secure items are located. That way someone is always nearby when I have a question.

• President Biden campaigned in New Mexico and San Diego telling audiences that democracy will be on the line Tuesday. What could possibly go wrong? I got out of a ticket in Los Angeles Friday by telling the cop I wasn't carrying any ID on me because I was on my way to the post office to cast my vote.

• President Biden is scheduled to speak at Democratic Party rallies in Pennsylvania this weekend hoping to help John Fetterman win the U.S. Senate race. A Teleprompter can't help Joe at these impromptu events. Biden is just hoping that the media doesn't twist his words by quoting him verbatim.

• The White House press secretary on Thursday repeated President Biden's speech claim the night before that the midterm congressional elections on Tuesday are a struggle for the soul of the nation. As for my own soul, I am happy to say I'm finally at peace with my demons. We're on the same side now.

• President Biden ripped election deniers in his speech Wednesday, forgetting that Hillary denied Trump's 2016 victory for six years. She's still on the warpath about it. If for nothing else, Donald Trump will go down in history as the second president to get impeached for humiliating Hilary Clinton.

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• Donald Trump spoke at a Pennsylvania rally in Latrobe for Dr. Oz's Senate candidacy last night in an airport hangar at Arnold Palmer Airport. Perhaps Joe Biden was right about all the MAGA supporters. Nothing says you are a threat to democracy like meeting at an airport named after The King.

• Bill Clinton came out and hit the campaign trail Tuesday, giving speeches for upstate New York Democratic congressional candidates. For twenty years, young women entering the workplace have heard nothing but warnings against having sex in the workplace. It's about time they heard the rebuttal.

• Baltimore's District Attorney announced that no one will be arrested for drugs or for prostitution in Baltimore. It can lead to ugly surprises. Years ago in a Bangkok hotel bar, two pretty Thai girls said sleeping with them would be like winning the lottery, and they were right, we had six matching balls.

• Stephen King leaped onto the celebrity bandwagon Wednesday and announced he's leaving Twitter rather than endorse a chaotic world of unregulated speech. He should leave Twitter. This will give Stephen King a lot more time to write cruel and gruesome things that happen to women, children and dogs.

• President Biden addressed the nation on political violence Wednesday and tried to link the U.S. Capitol riot to that attack on Paul Pelosi. It's becoming clear this week why Nancy Pelosi turned down President Trump's offer to send in the National Guard. Her husband didn't have enough Viagra.

• San Francisco prosecutors charged David DePape with attempted murder for striking Paul Pelosi with a hammer at 2:00 a.m. in his home. Democrats are already insisting on common sense hammer control legislation. What likely kept Paul from getting killed is that he didn't drive himself to the hospital.

• Paul Pelosi was reported recovering well in the hospital Monday. This year he's been accused of insider stock trading, arrested for DUI and attacked with a hammer. As a kid he could've made his mother proud and joined the Mafia and stole a fortune but he married a House Member. It's the next best thing.

• The Wall Street Journal poll showed that inflation is the number-one concern for voters in the fall elections. The Comedy Store shows have been sold out for years by keeping the ticket price down to an affordable twenty dollars. Imagine how expensive it would be if Mitzi had named it the Grocery Store.

• Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder agreed to sell the team on Monday. It is buried in sexual assault suits from female employees and cheerleaders. Last year when fans were polled asking them to suggest a new name for the team, their overwhelming favorite was The Washington Weinstein's.

• The Supreme Court justices spent six hours Wednesday jousting with attorneys on both sides of the case debating affirmative action in college admissions. It had its time. But in recent decades, affirmative action has resulted in the advancement of more unqualified people than the last name Biden.

• Bernie Sanders traveled across the country this week campaigning for Democrats in Wisconsin and Texas and Nevada. He did spent a quiet Halloween night at home in Vermont. Neighborhood kids avoided trick or treating at Bernie's door because it'd cost them seventy percent of the candy they owned.

• President Biden gave a speech Wednesday blasting those who doubt the 2020 election results. He called Trump supporters a threat to our democracy. I don't want to say Joe went over the top, but the pilot on the Hindenburg sounded calmer when he ordered his co-pilot to go find the fire extinguisher.

• Bill Clinton returned to the campaign trail Wednesday knowing better than to call anyone a threat to our democracy. Bill knows the Founders made sure we would never be a democracy by establishing a monarchy disguised as a Republic. He himself was impeached for exercising the Right of the First Night.

• Donald Trump does a rally for the Pennsylvania governor and Senate candidates Saturday. Last month Trump was pictured looking out an open helicopter door at the hurricane-flooded marshland in Florida with a terrified look on his face. For a second, he thought he'd been sent to Vietnam after all.

• President Biden tried to tamp down oil prices last week by releasing fifteen million barrels of oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He was hoping to appease cash-strapped motorists. To placate the left wing of his party's abhorrence of incarceration, Biden released the oil on its own recognizance.

• Harvard released a study saying that one third of all American adults are now obese, with minority women having the highest rate. Among whites, obesity is most prevalent across the Bible Belt. The New Revised American Bible now reveals in the Book of Genesis that Ham had a brother named Cheese.

• The Wall Street Journal reported a survey which revealed that fewer than half the U.S. population attends church services regularly. It reported that Texas is America's most religious state. That's because in Texas, you can feel the presence of Jesus all around you, mostly due to poor border control.

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