Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

National Geographic aired a Dracula bio for Halloween saying he was based on the 15th century Romanian King Vlad the Impaler, who impaled eighty thousand enemies. It revealed that Vlad didn't even start impaling people until he was in his mid-thirties. It's never too late to start believing in yourself.

• The Betty Ford Center enjoys its fortieth anniversary with a banquet in Rancho Mirage Saturday night and during the daytime a seminar on family interventions. Nancy Pelosi, for one, needs to keep a closer eye on her husband Paul. He just settled a DUI case and Thursday night he got hammered at home.

• Paul Pelosi was found by police in his underwear wrestling with David DePape in his underwear over a hammer at 2 AM resulting in a Pelosi cracked skull. The visitor reportedly has a prior arrest for male prostitution. Let me be the first to say David DePape did not hang himself in his jail cell next week.

• Seattle Public Schools focused the Critical Race Theory lens into math classes and concluded math is racist and used to keep minorities down. I can guess the kind of math question they would find acceptable. If you divide eighty-five genders by three bathrooms how much climate change do you have?

• Tom Brady and supermodel Giselle Bundschen reported they are divorcing amicably and will split everything evenly. He chose to keep playing football over their marriage. Tom will be infuriated when he retires in mid-season to patch things up with Giselle only to find out that she is dating Pete Davidson.

• Billboard reported the legendary Jerry Lee Lewis died at eighty-seven Friday at home in De Soto County, Mississippi. He was on top of the world when it all changed. Jerry Lee's marriage to his 13-year-old cousin in 1958 destroyed his career in rock and roll but it made him a country music superstar.

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• Variety reports soaring cable news ratings over interest in the midterm elections. The candidates don't really aggravate me, but every other cable news commercial has a lawyer who's trying to get you to join a lawsuit if you got sick from the water at Camp Lejeune. I went to Camp Mesothelioma, so I'm fine.

• Donald Trump will address rallies in Iowa, Pennsylvania, Miami and Ohio this week while Barack Obama campaigns for Democrats in swing states as Joe Biden avoids large gatherings. I don't think America should elect a president in 2024. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

• President Biden campaigned for stroke victim and Democratic Senate candidate John Fetterman in Pennsylvania Friday. He was in rare form. Biden declared gas was five dollars a gallon when he took office and the U.S. has fifty-four states. John Fetterman called it painful and embarrassing to watch.

• Progressive Grocer magazine states Thanksgiving turkeys will cost fifty percent more this year at grocery stores. It boggles my mind how the American Colonists had to hunt for their food every day when they arrived here. I'm glad I don't have to hunt for food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.

• House Democrats face mid-term defeat due to the administration's anti-oil policies which ran up prices on everything in pursuit of Green Energy. No one told Biden that ninety percent of Americans drive gas-powered cars. As Kanye West learned last week, the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

• Kanye West said he's still alive Sunday after losing hundreds of millions of dollars in business partnerships after he made angry anti-Semitic remarks. He thinks he's Jesus, so I guess he's still nursing old wounds. Kanye West's meltdown was so complete Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

• Quentin Tarantino denied Kanye West's claim he gave Quentin the idea for the 2012 slave movie Django Unchained. Rather Quentin said Kanye pitched him the idea of a funny slave musical. Notice that in all this lobbying for creative credit, nobody ever thanks the Confederacy for making it all possible.

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