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• Ilhan Omar faces a fraud probe for posing as 17 when she was 18 to get automatically allowed in the U.S. with her dad. She's kept that false age on her U.S. passport ever since. Everyone on the Epstein List has been waiting for the tables to finally turn on a girl of legal age who claimed she was 17.
• Elon Musk shocked the world Friday demonstrating his Tesla Roadster that goes 380 mph and flies and even performed a 360 degree barrel roll in the air before landing. In 2028 the car will go into production. We must do all we can to keep Tiger Woods from getting his driver's license back.
• The NCAA is planning to expand the number of college football teams in the playoff to 24 teams. It began with 4 teams in 2014 then expanded to 12 teams in 2024 then leaps to 24 teams in 2027. It's the first time the NCAA's used an inflation adjustment directly pegged to the price of gasoline.
• California enacted a new law requiring employers to enforce anti-hate speech that demeans sexual identity, gender or race. Employees are told to report any violators they overhear. This means comedians will stand onstage and say how wonderful everybody is until the waitresses go on their break.
• Kamala Harris is going on a campaign blitz for Democrats this week nationwide. Kamala will be making stops in Georgia, Mississippi, Nevada and New Hampshire. And while Kamala is gone, her husband Doug Emhoff will be making stops in Rosa, Guadalupa, Carmelita, Consuelo and Valentina.
• The Daily Mail reported that Paris was set on fire by pro-Hamas Muslim radicals on Saturday and the rioting spread to within 100 yards of the presidential palace. I can tell that some of the protestors came from Southern California. They are carrying signs that call for a Gluten Free Palestine.
• Kimberly Guilfoyle was reported fielding book offers after her firing as Ambassador to Greece. As a bright young prosecutor, she displaced Kamala Harris in the San Francisco DA's office, she married and divorced Gavin Newsom, worked for years at Fox News and she was engaged to Donald Trump, Jr. Fortunately for Kimberly Guilfoyle she has no dirt on the Clintons, so she's expected to live a long life.
• A Miami memorabilia collector paid $14 million for the jersey Michael Jordan wore during the 1998 NBA Finals won by Jordan's Chicago Bulls. Fan interest drives jersey sales. Sydney Sweeney just realized she is wasting a fortune by throwing away the halter tops she takes off to shoot her TV ads.
• Legally Blonde star Selma Blair went wild on a Delta flight and tried to open the emergency door midflight. She was physically restrained by the flight crew from opening the door at 30,000 feet. Hey we all try to gain an advantage being the first off the plane to beat everybody to baggage claim.
• Hurricane Isaias sideswiped Mobile Bay Saturday but did churn ashore bales of cocaine that had been jettisoned by traffickers. The EPA just finished a huge cleanup job of all the junk food debris in the bay before the cocaine washed ashore. I'll bet the sea turtles are missing those plastic straws now.
• Tennessee authorities are debating whether to try again to execute convicted murderer Christa Pike who survived a lethal dose of pentobarbital then survived a second dose in the failed attempt by the state to kill her. I think Keith Richards has found his soul mate. You can't kill either one of them.
• Cornell was found to have disciplined the male sexual assailants in a drug and alcohol fueled gang rape with 2 suspensions, 2 expulsions and 3 term papers. There's a reason they got off with such light sentences. They stood in front of the judges in Student Court and they pleaded Free Palestine.
• New York held a huge parade celebrating Columbus Day. Others marked it Indigenous People's Day. It depends on whether you choose to honor the first people to live in this hemisphere or the first white man to get lost, refused to ask for directions, and then wrongly insisted he knows where he is.
• Saudi Arabia's King Khalid Airport was attacked by Houti rockets followed by Houti warnings to kill anybody flying over Saudi space. The Houtis aren't the first. Once when I performed on a tour of comedians in Saudi Arabia I opened with a joke making fun of women drivers, so I've killed there too.
• Senate candidate Abdul Sayed's campaign was rocked by old posts his sister posted in 2012 detailing their family's ties to the old terrorist group the Muslim Brotherhood. At one point in the past they funded Al Qaeda. Sayed's running for Senate because becoming an airline pilot was out of the question.
• Hillary Clinton was interviewed said Americans have come through some tough times. She listed 9/11, the 2008 financial crisis, Covid and her presidential election loss in 2016 as those tough times that we've all shared together as Americans, unless you're a comedian. It remains a fact of history that Donald Trump and Bill Clinton were both impeached for humiliating Hillary Clinton.
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