Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Tom Cruise starred in his first big flop last week in the comedy Digger, projected to lose $100 million. At this stage of life he's willing to take crazy chances. For his next movie role Tom plans to gain 100 pounds as the boyfriend of a morbidly obese girlfriend in the comedy Missionary Impossible.

• National Geographic reported that archaeologists digging 60 feet down in Turkey think they have uncovered Noah's Ark near Mt. Ararat. Poor Noah. He realized too late he didn't need to build the Ark to survive the 40-day flood when all he had to do was pay more taxes to change the climate.

• Senator Tom Cotton's cell phone number was given out by President Trump to pressure him to release the Sunshine Protection Act that he's blocked. It makes daylight savings time year-round. As it stands now, twice a year Bernie Sanders takes an hour from you and gives it to someone more deserving.

• President Trump said he's sending every Medicare Part B customer $90 from the Medicare fund to help pay supplemental payments. Part B covers the cost of doctor visits and screening services. Los Angeles is the only place where patients pay doctors to touch up their x-rays to make them look younger.

• The White House stated 60 million kids are pre-enrolled in $1,000 Trump Accounts. Tax free $5,000 family donations can make them worth $250,000 by 18 and millionaires at 27. Trump's taking the anchor babies that were supposed to be Democrats and turning them into Republicans by voting age.

• Phil Mickelson announced Thursday that the PGA and Saudi Tour star has voluntarily entered a treatment facility for what he called family trauma and addiction. I would say his prospects of recovery are excellent. Phil checked into the same rehab that straightened out Tiger Woods 17 years ago.

• Tennessee Governor Bill Lee halted all state executions after Christa Pike survived two lethal injections last week. My audiences here in West Hollywood weren't that amazed. Not to minimize Christa Pike's situation, but look at how many lethal injections of Botox the Kardashians lived through.

• The TSA updated its guidelines to permit airline passengers to bring state-approved marijuana products aboard flights. Passengers are now allowed to store their marijuana or marijuana edibles in their carry-on bags or their checked-in luggage. Cocaine, however, must still be stored up your rectum.

• Indiana Fever superstar Caitlin Clark's Nike signature athletic shoe went on sale and set sales records, selling out immediately Thursday. It's never happened before. That night to honor Caitlin in appreciation for all she's done for the WNBA she received an elbow to the mouth and no foul was called.

• The New York Post reported that prostitution has exploded in New York as a result of Mayor Mamdani's announced policy to ignore the city's statutes against the sex trade. I heard that the New York call girls are now offering their high-end clients the Gavin Newsom for $1,000. It includes every position.

• New York Governor Hochul expressed anger at how Cornell handled an alleged gang rape by seven boys at a co-ed at a fraternity house in 2024 and named New York Attorney General Letitia James to prosecute the rape case. I remember her. If Letitia remains true to form, she will indict seven boys and Donald Trump.

• President Trump rolled out America.gov providing AI powered access to all 29,000 government websites and giving access to services such as passports and Social Security. To avoid fraud, there are built-in safeguards. How to receive child care subsidies is available in every language except Somali.

• President Trump posted a new video Saturday promising every American adult a $5,000 check if voters return a GOP majority in Congress this election. Americans don't want a handout. We just want enough federal help to maintain our self-image of rugged self-reliance and frontier independence.

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