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• McDonald's reports it's making a $9 billion investment in an AI employee named Archie that will operate the drive-thru windows and interact with customers. It begs a dark question. If our first successful robot works the McDonald's drive-thru can anyone really blame AI for destroying the world?
• President Trump heated up his rhetoric in the trade war with Canada Thursday, calling Canada the worst country in the world. He forgets Canada can do things we can't. If I'm Trump, I would ease H-1B work-visa requirements to permit Canadian doctors to come to Tennessee and perform executions.
• The Nashville Tennessean reports a female convicted murderer survived two attempts at being executed by lethal injections on Wednesday. The state has taken measures to ensure that they end the prisoner's life. They are going to dress her like a toddler and leave her alone with Lindsay Clancy.
• Tennessee death row inmate Christa Pike survived two botched attempted state executions on Wednesday. Her lawyer says she's alive and receiving medical care. It may provide proof that moonshine and meth not only make you un-killable, it makes you the cover girl for Nine Lives Monthly.
• President Trump hit the campaign trail Thursday giving a speech in Durant, Oklahoma, at the Choctaw Nation Center adjoining its fabulous tribal casino. The complex includes a native cultural center where they teach you ancient Indian lore, like always hit on 16 if the dealer is showing a face card.
• The Treasury Department announced 60 million children have been automatically enrolled in Trump Accounts that are like 401Ks for kids, funded by tax-free contributions from family and friends. It is brilliant. Thanks to accrued interest, by the time a poor toddler reaches voting age, he's a Republican.
• McDonald's announced it will invest $9 billion to implement AI by installing robots at its drive-through windows to take orders, suggest additions and hand out the food orders to you through the window. So AI is going to kill a billion people. They're just going to do it one Big Mac Combo at a time.
• Bernie Sanders said Artificial Intelligence could destroy mankind if the government isn't there to control it. His grassroots support remains the old stoners. Bernie got a huge ovation when he spoke at the Coachella Rock Festival because everybody thought Jerry Garcia had come back from the Dead.
• The New York Post reported that sex work has exploded in New York City as a result of Mayor Mamdani's announced policy bypassing the city's previous statutes against the sex trade. Pimps have even created an app and delivery service to keep up with the huge demand. It's called Whore Dash.
• New York magazine ran a photo of former presidents Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, George W. Bush and Barack Obama standing in front of One World Trade Center. It was an impressive photo. The closest thing I have to that is a photo of Frank, Sammy, Peter and Dean standing in front of a pool table.
• Phil Mickelson is reported to have checked into a rehab facility Tuesday. It's a bit late in life for Phil to be a great athlete in recovery. He'll never catch Tiger Woods, who's just completed rehab's Grand Slam after capturing the Betty Ford, the Hazelden, the Sierra Tucson and the Zurich Invitational.
• The New York Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox in the 1st game of the AL Wild Card playoffs behind their fire-balling young pitcher Cam Schlittler. He's a Yankee Stadium fan favorite whose time has come. New York is so anti-Semitic under Mamdani they'll cheer anyone who just rhymes with Hitler.
• Sylvester Stallone is plugging his memoir Steps about his years of struggle before Rocky. Sly now stars on TV as a Mafia chief released from prison and confined to Tulsa. Between Sly's speech pattern and the local Oklahoma drawls, the nearest consonant can be heard 400 miles north in St. Louis.
• A Dubai Airline hijacking was thwarted by brave passengers Wednesday. An Omani Muslim co-pilot stabbed his captain and tried to crash a plane full of Israelis going to Tel Aviv before he was subdued. Macklemore has announced a fundraising concert for him since he will likely lose his job.
• President Trump celebrated Hispanic Heritage Month by hosting a crowd of Hispanic citizens and their kids at the White House on Wednesday. Trump treated everybody to a luncheon buffet. The president laid out a beautiful food spread but the guests scattered when the Ice Sculpture identified itself.
• The U.S. Senate adjourned Wednesday after Senate Democrats killed a bill that would have banned House Members who engaged in stock trades and even required jail terms for inside traders in the House. The bill is dead. In celebration Disney On Ice will stage a new show called Pelosi Skates Again!
• Secretary of War Pete Hegseth said the U.S will build a new Army base for 25,000 U.S. troops but didn't reveal the new fort's name. There've been 10 military installations named after Confederate Generals. That's all of them so they may have to settle for a lower rank and name it after Colonel Trump.
• President Trump pulled the last U.S. troops in Iraq 23 years after Bush toppled Saddam Hussein, believing he had weapons of mass destruction. U.S. troops entered Saddam's palace bedroom and found 24 cases of Scotch, a sunken bar, a lamp shaped like a naked lady, and his weapons of mass destruction turned out to be condoms that glow in the dark. We invaded the Middle East to overthrow Dean Martin.
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