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• The White House warned Iran not to attack U.S. bases Thursday while Iran vowed to set America on fire if Israel invades Gaza. It only added to a crazy sniper in the Maine woods and anti-Semitic protests in N.Y. Halloween used to be the scariest day of the year, now it has 364 competitors for the title.
• The Pentagon retaliated against Iran-backed proxy terror groups for attacking U.S. bases in the Mideast by bombing ammunition storage bases in Syria Thursday. Iran's threat to retaliate and bomb Washington was fine with Joe Biden. He's never lost a presidential election while sitting in the basement.
• PBS reports that the Army fell 15,000 short of its recruiting goal of 60,000 new soldiers this past year. I know an old actor who told me that he wore a bra and panties to his draft physical in 1965 in order to get out of being drafted for Vietnam. If you did that today you would instantly make Colonel.
• The Anne Frank Museum said the largest, most grandiose signature in their visitor log is Justin Bieber's, writing, I'd like to think Anne would have been a Belieber. She would NOT have been a Bieber fan. The fact that sixty million people were following an idiot is why she hid in the attic in the first place.
• The Pentagon said Iran launched thirteen attacks on U.S. bases in Iraq and Syria last week. Iran has been our enemy ever since they seized the U.S. embassy, declared war on our culture and took 52 American hostages in 1979. Millennials have no idea the extent to which some people hated disco music.
• President Biden proposed the long-elusive two-state solution for Israel and the Palestinians on Thursday. All it requires is for Israel to make peace with a terror group out to destroy Israel. Before that occurs, Benjamin Netanyahu will be elected Secretary General of the United Nations by a floor vote.
• The FBI arrested the off-duty Alaskan Air pilot who tried to hijack a flight and scuttle the plane after he took magic mushrooms. Sometimes I just don't get the millennial generation. Maybe I'm old school but I thought the whole purpose of taking magic mushrooms was to go flying without a plane.
• California Governor Gavin Newsom made a visit to Beijing Tuesday to meet China's President Xi and exchange mutual praises. The Chinese regime maintains one-party rule, it tolerates slave labor and it allows no freedom of speech. Gavin was there to get more ideas on how to run a communist state.
• The Daily Mail reports Joe Biden paid nearly three million dollars cash for his beach estate in Delaware after Hunter worked a ten million dollar deal with a Chinese investment firm. The law is clear. If Joe is tried and convicted for bribery he could get 12-to-18 years as Senator from New Jersey.
• The New York Times reports the Beatles last song Now and Then will be released Thursday. It's over fifty years since they broke up. The reason it took the Beatles so long to release their last song was because they had to wait until AI was advanced enough to remove Yoko Ono's voice from the track.
• Pharmacy Times marked the twenty-fifth anniversary of the FDA approval of Viagra in October of 1998 and on sale only six months after it was submitted for testing by Pfizer. The pill was a huge success. Pfizer decided to call the pills Viagra after Hardee's restaurants refused to sell them their name.
• Rolling Stone reported that the White House canceled a performance by the new wave band The B-52s scheduled to play at the state dinner for Australia's prime minister on Wednesday. The B-52s were unavailable for comment. Joe Biden was confused by their name and shipped them off to Ukraine.
• George Clooney helped bring striking actors and producers back to the table to try to settle their one hundred day-long strike. A settlement will allow actors to quit the day jobs they've taken to pay the bills. They have the ability to make you think they truly care whether or not you'd like fries with that.
• The Philadelphia Phillies lost Game Seven to Arizona and got eliminated in the playoffs in front of their home fans Tuesday. The city has the surliest fans in sports. When Philadelphia fans have no baseball, basketball or NFL football games to attend, they go to the airport and boo the safe landings.
• The FBI interrogated the off-duty Air Alaska pilot who attempted to hijack the flight and open the emergency door. He eventually explained that he'd gotten high on psychedelics after takeoff when he'd tried to hijack the Air Alaska flight. Their peanuts are so stale I've hallucinated on them too.
• House Republicans finally elected Mike Johnson of Shreveport Speaker to run Congress. Steve Scalise of New Orleans will assist him. The pair should deliver a lot of federal business to the great state of Louisiana, where famously half the state is under water while the other half is under indictment.
• Politico reported Wednesday an average of the latest polls show Biden trailing behind Trump amid low approval ratings. Biden trails Trump by nine points in Pennsylvania in the Emerson Poll. But a new poll in DC, Florida and New York has Trump trailing Biden by a score of four judges to none.
• Donald Trump campaigned Monday when he praised Orben as leader of Turkey, when he's the leader of Hungary. Then he said both Turkey and Hungary border on Russia when neither country does. Trump's been so gaffe prone lately Saturday Night Live just asked him to do the Biden impressions.
• Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese arrived at the White House Wednesday to discuss mutual security and the Mideast crisis, followed by a lavish state dinner. The Australia leader pledged to deliver to the Palestinian people a million cans of drinking water. Each can is clearly marked Foster's.
• House Democrat Jamaal Bowman was charged for setting off a fire alarm in a House office hall to delay a vote to keep the government open. The ex-middle school principal claimed ignorance about fire alarms so the DC judge only fined him. He's obviously the victim of a racist criminal justice system.
• Senator Chuck Grassley revealed the FBI has had forty informants planted in the Biden family to track the shakedowns and bribes. The agency was protecting Biden's racket while going after Trump. The fact that the FBI actually got caught has J. Edgar Hoover rolling over in his evening gown.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger discussed the Israeli-Gaza crisis on the BBC and said it's a shame he's not a natural born citizen because he'd make a great president. Just like clockwork, an Austrian offers to take over a nation after a rash of anti-Semitic street rioting. Usually it's the other way around.
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