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• Senator Mitt Romney is publishing his autobiography titled Romney: A Reckoning Tuesday. He says in the book that Oprah approached him in 2020 and asked him to run with her on a national unity ticket for the White House. This would have been the first-ever pairing of a RINO and an elephant.
• Car and Driver says a lengthy UAW strike could result in an auto parts shortage and long waits for repairs. Last weekend my neighbor took her new car back to the dealership and asked the service bay to get rid of the awful noise her car was making. They replaced the Taylor Swift CD with Van Halen.
• Justin Timberlake threatened to sue Britney Spears if her forthcoming memoir The Woman in Me which comes out Tuesday claims that Justin got her pregnant back when they were teenagers. Brittney informed her fans Friday she will only read part of her audio book. The rest will be lip-synched.
• British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak flew to Tel Aviv to express support the day after President Biden's visit. So it's the U.S. and Britain defending the world once again. France just mobilized the French Army over one stabbing death and raised their terror threat level from Collaborate to Surrender.
• The Dallas Cowboys announced Monday that Dolly Parton will perform a halftime show during the team's annual Thanksgiving Day football game with Washington. She's been in the news a lot this week. Gasoline prices are so high in Los Angeles that Dolly Parton was seen carpooling with Jolene.
• Walgreen's pharmacists were reported Monday threatening a nationwide walkout over pay and working conditions. Compounding the possible shortage of service, Rite-Aid just declared bankruptcy. The good news is, the previously incarcerated deodorants, shampoos and razor blades are free to go now.
• The New York Post reports the Mideast strife is tearing apart the social fabric in New York and in L.A. Tonight I could get shot by the Jewish Defense League while I'm jogging through Beverly Hills for being a presumed Hamas supporter. A fan in Cambridge just sent me a Harvard sweatshirt.
• President Biden gave a televised address to the nation from the Oval Office Thursday to make his case for Congress to vote billions for Israeli defense and for relief supplies for innocent Palestinians. Meanwhile Hamas called for another Worldwide Day of Rage. Goats everywhere are sheltering in place.
• President Biden got high marks in his speech for laying out America's mission in the world but critics claimed he was soft on Iran. His coughing was also a distraction. Joe hasn't coughed that much since a kitchen fire in his house nearly burned down his subdivision and threatened his Corvette.
• President Biden told reporters the hospital explosion in Gaza was caused by a Hamas rocket that veered off course, then Joe said you need to learn to shoot straight. His remark was met with stunned silence. I learned the hard way as a boy in November 1963 you never joke about a tragedy for three days.
• Israel's Bibi Netanyahu thanked President Biden for being a friend of Israel Tuesday. The crisis gave Biden a reprieve from his impeachment inquiry. In gratitude Israel just agreed to lend Biden its Iron Dome missile defense system to help him shoot down incoming questions asking him what day it is.
• USA Cycling announced that its Transgender Athlete Participation Policy is a balance between fairness and inclusion. I hope motorists are less annoyed by cyclists where you live than they are in L.A. In Los Angeles there are old cyclists and there are bold cyclists but there are no old, bold cyclists.
• The Walt Disney Company illuminated all its TV movie and streaming outlets and theme parks this week for the world to salute the Magic Kingdom at the century mark. The Disney Company is pretty cocky about celebrating one hundred years. They even opened the freezer to see if it went to Walt's head.
• Vladimir Putin sent nuclear missiles to the Black Sea as Iran vowed war Thursday while Biden equivocated on the CIA's proof it was Hamas who bombed the hospital. To add to the hell, I had to spend all day in L.A. traffic. I'm truly amazed at how often people inspire me to create new swear words.
• USA Today cited a study of drug use by the Millennial generation, finding their preferred party drugs are prescription opioids, along with marijuana. It says if they want an upper they use Ritalin or Adderol. The Millennial generation doesn't like cocaine because it blocks their reflection in the mirror.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger published a self-help book called Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life. In 2003, he was targeted by dozens of charges of groping and misconduct by actresses and female co-workers at the studio. Arnold was tried in the court of public opinion and given eight years as California governor.
• The Marist Poll shows Trump and Biden are running neck and neck for the 2024 presidential race, plus major gains by Bobby Kennedy if he's included. There always ends up being about six candidates for president. In 2020 I got confused by all the yard signs and I may have voted for a realtor.
• President Biden returned to Washington from Tel Aviv Wednesday night after what he described as a successful fact-finding mission. The moment Biden exited Air Force One in Israel, Joe shook hands with his Israeli hosts and he demanded the answers to two questions. Who am I and where am I?
• President Biden returned from the Middle East Wednesday after he spent eight hours in Israel expressing unqualified U.S. support for the Jewish state. He quickly adapted to the local culture and folklore. Just before Joe took a nap Bibi asked him if he was comfortable, and Joe said, I make a living.
• President Biden in Israel cited video and audio proof that the Gaza hospital blast was caused by a Hamas rockets that fell short, not Israel. Well, you know Hamas. After trying and failing to blame Israel for the hospital blast, Hamas declared this is the last time they'll allow a woman to steer the rocket.
• Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told Biden that Israel's very existence is at stake in the Hamas and Hezbollah crossfire. There's more the U.S. can do by our very example to pacify the Holy Land. For starters, I think America's Indian tribes ought to hold a seminar for Hamas on sportsmanship.
• President Biden urged Israel not to make mistakes like we did after September 11th. U.S. troops entered Saddam's bedroom looking for WMDs and found six cases of Scotch, a lamp shaped like a naked lady, and condoms that glowed in the dark. We spent a trillion dollars to overthrow Dean Martin.
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