Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The Golden Bachelor was a big hit for ABC in which a handsome seventy-one-year-old Indiana millionaire widower selects a wife from women in their sixties. He has other options. He can attract fervent interest from women in their twenties and thirties if he moves to L.A. and mentions his bad health.

• The World’s Greatest Countries global survey came out last week which showed that the favorite country of Americans is England. I admit I inherited one hostile trait from my British ancestors. I took two years of French in high school so I could refuse to speak it rather than just not understand it.

• The New York Post reported that Starbucks will close seven stores in San Francisco. But it’s easy to duplicate the Starbucks experience. Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my coffee in my own kitchen then I call out my name and pronounce it incorrectly and then I take a ten-dollar bill and burn it.

• Tom Hanks declared Tuesday that an online video which depicts him promoting a dental plan is a fake video generated by Artificial Intelligence. He’s not the only victim. Hours later, Kevin Spacey insisted that a video showing him hiding in the bushes outside St. Michael’s Middle School is also a fake.

• The World Clown Association listed the leading clown colleges Monday and endorsed the Moose Burger Clown Camp in Minnesota for aspiring clowns to learn make-up, physical comedy, and crowd stunts. Forget circus work. Every two years the most promising graduates run off and join the Congress.

• Speaker Kevin McCarthy was tossed out of office Tuesday in a House vote led by GOP Member Matt Gaetz and conservative Members unhappy with him. Moving forward I think U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert should be the new Speaker. She demonstrated that she’s always been willing to lend a helping hand.

• U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz was reportedly angry at the Speaker for not dropping a House ethics probe of him for having sex with a 17-year-old girl after the DOJ had dropped its investigation of the charge. It may be a problem of arrested development. Matt was thirty-five before he had a high school girlfriend.

• Democratic U.S. Rep. Henry Cuellar was carjacked while parking his car a mile from the Capitol by three armed men Monday, but the vehicle was later found. He told reporters the car they stole is a Toyota Crossover. House Democrats can’t even drive an SUV that self-identifies by its biological sex.

• FEMA reported it would conduct a nationwide test of its brand-new cell phone emergency alert system on Wednesday. The warnings are bi-partisan. If successful the system will alert Republicans to Taylor Swift breaking up with Travis Kelce and it will alert the Democrats to the return of the McRib.

(COMMENT, BELOW)