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• China's President Xi stated Monday he intends to annex Taiwan as Putin was moving Russian mobile nuclear missile batteries closer to NATO borders. Our enemies need to know we have created a weapon that destroys people but leaves buildings totally intact. It's called the Crypto Currency Market.
• President Biden bragged about the economy while eating an ice cream cone Sunday. He had no idea he committed a micro-aggression. It's be nice if Joe could enjoy an ice cream cone without Progressives attacking him for being insensitive to the millions of Americans who are lactose intolerant.
• President Biden cited the Saudis after they refused his request to delay cuts in oil production until after elections. The crisis creates other problems. Gas prices are so high that to save money I filled up my lawn mower tank with Russian vodka and it invaded my neighbor's lawn and annexed the flower bed.
• The Ukrainian Army was reported by the Associated Press Monday to be on the verge of saving the Donbas. I wasn't wearing my reading glasses when I first read the story and I thought I read they were saving the dumbass, and I didn't know if they were talking about Biden, Putin, Zelensky or Hunter.
• President Biden's warning two weeks ago that we're on the brink of nuclear Armageddon didn't seem to scare young voters and the sense of alarm faded. Ignorance is bliss. A member of Generation Z told me it's no big deal if they don't know what Armageddon means, it's not like it's the end of the world.
• The White House Budget Director said the Inflation Reduction Act will result in five thousand new IRS agents hired this year and twelve thousand per year after that. I'm working on my James Earl Jones impression before my audit. Let's face it, that guy can say anything and people will believe it.
• Kanye West is buying Parler to avoid being censored on social media just as his fellow billionaire Elon Musk is buying Twitter to destroy speech restrictions. I much prefer Hillary Clinton's approach, whose speaking fee per event is one hundred thousand dollars. Her topic is Importance of Free Speech.
• A Saudi Prince tweeted there's no way the Saudis will increase oil production to help the U.S. after Biden insulted the Crown Prince and called him a pariah. Comedians are now faced with a terrible choice. We can have cheap gasoline or we can have Joe Biden in the Oval Office, but we can't have both.
• The Justice Department was cited for delaying sharing seized Trump documents with the Special Master. Trump's lucky it was the FBI. If he'd stored ten cases of motor oil in his basement, the U.S. Marines would have showed up, installed a puppet government, and then made off with the oil.
• The Business Circle warned that people will cut their discretionary spending during recession and entertainment venues could be hit hard. A London strip club recently hired a hypnotist to get men to spend more money during their visit. At least that's what one guy told his wife when she got the credit card bill.
• The Department of Energy announced contracts have been awarded for the purchase of crude oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. They hope it will drive down both the high gas prices and the soaring home utility bills. I don't want the neighbors to think that I am rich, so I turned a few lights off.
• President Biden conceded we may be headed for recession Monday but his press secretary called it a transition to a more stable economy. It's the old trap play. If the Left can label it a recession that self-identifies as a more stable economy, then you are a sexist white homophobe if you complain about it.
• President Biden vowed Tuesday the first bill he'll sign if Democrats keep a majority in Congress will codify Roe vs. Wade into law. He's more informed on the issue today. When Joe Biden was first told of the Roe vs. Wade decision, he said either way they want to cross the Rio Grande is fine with him.
• Barack Obama warned Democrats to drop the Woke cancel culture and stop making everything about race. A young Obama told the 2004 convention we are not African America, not Asian America, not Hispanic America, not white America, we are ONE United States of America. Well, we showed HIM.
• The Miami Herald reports electric cars did not do well during Hurricane Ian. Several electric cars exploded during the storm. A Tesla S driver was locked out after the battery died and the replacement battery costs twenty-six grand. And if he misses two payments the car drives itself back to the dealership.
• Congressional Ethics Office head Hector Fernandez was charged with DUI after his car veered off a road, hit a stop sign and two parked cars, then crashed into a house. He had plenty of warning. You know you're a bad driver when the Google Maps lady tells you that in four hundred yards, stop and let her out.
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