Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The White House was confronted by a Gallup Poll last week which said that only twenty percent of Americans surveyed said they're satisfied with the way things are going in the United States of America. Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in New York and California.

• The San Jose Mercury-News reported the San Jose DA's office will investigate a posted video that shows a bikini-clad stripper exiting a parked fire truck in front of the Pink Poodle strip joint and walking back in the bar. Remember this is California. They're investigating why it wasn't a drag queen.

• The National League and American League playoffs are underway to determine the World Series teams. Never far away is politics. The governor of Washington was furious when the governor of Texas sent a planeload of illegal immigrants to Seattle last night, but it just turned out to be the Houston Astros.

• An FBI analyst testified the FBI offered MI-6 agent Chris Steele a million dollars to confirm dirt showing Trump colluded with Russia but he couldn't. Trump did collude with Russia once. However a video of Trump laughing at a Yakov Smirnov joke at the Gridiron Dinner is not an impeachable offense.

• Donald Trump was ripped for claiming that George HW Bush stored documents in an old bowling alley while his library was being built. Fact checkers say the building had security guards. On top of that, it had been converted into a Chinese restaurant, so the outside Christmas lights were on year round.

• The White House was hit by polls saying a majority of Democrats don't want Joe Biden to run for re-election due to gas prices, crime, the border surge and inflation. He's starting to face widespread disrespect. It's rumored that Foot Locker will soon be marketing a line of clown shoes called Air Bidens.

• Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse is reported set to be named president of the University of Florida. He spoke on campus and the college communist club rushed the stage, protesting that he's a straight white male Republican. Sasse was quickly ushered by campus security to a safe space, the nearest country club.

• President Zelensky suggested a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Russia the day after Biden warned of a nuclear Armageddon. It started when Putin said he's considering tactical nukes. The moment I wake up every morning, I turn on cable news to see which chapter of Revelation we'll be doing today.

• Vladimir Putin celebrated his seventieth birthday by launching Russian air and missile strikes on Kiev with missiles bought from Iran. Twenty years ago at a White House reception for Putin, I met him in the reception line and joked with him. I made him laugh so hard, he promised to kill me first.

• Michigan Senator Amy Klochubar caused eyeballs to roll when she blamed Hurricane Ian's wind and flooding damage in Florida on Governor Ron DeSantis because he doesn't believe in climate change. I see her logic. It's like what happened to Pompeii because Emperor Nero was a volcano denier.

• Daily Variety says the Netflix series on the life and trial of cannibal serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is drawing huge streaming viewership. The series is riveting and macabre. Picture Dahmer's defense lawyer telling the jury that if it's true that you are what you eat then his client is an innocent young man.

• The National Weather Service issued an alert Sunday that Tropical Storm Julia was heading west through the Caribbean Sea and will soon reach hurricane level. It's vectored to smash into Central America. Fortunately, most Central Americans won't be affected because they live in the United States.

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• The Economist published a survey revealing that Jamaica now has the highest crime rate in the world. Last month two of my neighbors who are roommates went on a girl's vacation to Jamaica, and one came back pregnant and the other came back with an STD. Just kidding, both are still missing.

• Jimmy Carter celebrated his 98th birthday last week in Georgia. His presidency was marred by high gas prices, hyper-inflation, disrespect from OPEC and his brother introducing Billy Beer. For today's parallel presidency, Hunter Biden could market his own brand of meth pipe and call it Hunter High Life.

• President Biden decided to further drain the Strategic Petroleum Reserve Friday to try to lighten up the spike in gas prices. Gasoline is so expensive again in Los Angeles that I hired a hooker for one hundred dollars to siphon gas from another car until my tank was full. I ended up saving fifteen dollars.

• President Biden got good marks for his rapid commitment to help Florida hurricane victims. But it's going to take a lot more than executive orders to rebuild. Governor DeSantis should lower the state flag and raise the Ukrainian flag to try to convince Congress to send Florida the billions they need.

• The Commerce Department was tasked Friday to coordinate policy with business interests to avoid recession. I was concerned when I heard Biden say we were on the edge of nuclear Armageddon, and then I heard McDonald's started offering Happy Meals for Adults. Now I'm thinking that's not enough.

• President Biden warned an audience on Friday we're on the edge of nuclear Armageddon. It takes really special skills to bring us to the brink of a nuclear war and a civil war at the same time. The fall TV season just premiered and we're all excited to see what will happen in Season 2 of Build Back Better.

• President Biden's nuclear war warning Friday reminded me of the time President Reagan joked on the air that the bombing of Russia begins in five minutes, I said it on the Tonight Show then and I'll say it now. Nothing scares me like a seventy-nine-year-old man who is willing to die for his country.

• Kanye West told Fox News how the progressive left is out to destroy him for wearing a White Lives Matter t-shirt. I am finished trying to appease the Woke Agenda. I've had six booster shots, I wear four masks at all times and I have a Ukraine flag on my bio and I STILL tested positive for Climate Change.

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