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• Hurricane Ian was forecast to skirt coastal Florida, that'll help keep Ian alive. The state's swampy interior is full of alligators, poison snakes and raised shacks inhabited by meth dealers who are legally allowed to carry concealed guns. The point is, don't get lost in Florida, everything there wants to kill you.
• President Biden presented Sir Elton John after his White House concert Saturday with a Medal for Humanities award, then told the crowd it's Elton's fault we're spending six billion dollars a month on AIDS. Who does he think he is? Being president doesn't give Biden the authority to name Elton the new Queen.
• Elon Musk will be deposed in two weeks ahead of his November trial over his attempt to back out of buying Twitter. Free speech could win if Musk is forced to buy. Last year Twitter's founder and CEO Jack Dorsey resigned in order to spend more time telling his family what they can and cannot say.
• A Nation's Restaurant News trade magazine poll finds that fifty percent of Americans will dine at a Hooters in their lifetime. The restaurant just began issuing a Loyalty Card to allow regular diners discounts. If you have earned Hooters Loyalty Card, I'm not surprised at all that your wife got the house.
• The Washington Post reports House races in the mid-term elections are so close that party control of Congress could turn on the public's perception of unexpected events. For instance NASA hit an asteroid with a rocket today. Nancy Pelosi quickly responded by claiming her husband was not the driver.
• The NFL announced Rihanna will be the Super Bowl Halftime show star this February. Players consider her one of their own. Rihanna never played football in the NFL but she dated rap star Chris Brown for two years so she can sit in a booth with Terry Bradshaw and compare concussions any day.
• House Republicans rolled out their new Commitment to America agenda by citing a fake Lincoln quote. It could be worse. If you cite an ACTUAL Lincoln quote, like his July 1861 State of the Union speech when Abe declared this war is being fought to collect a tariff, you could get life in Facebook Jail.
• Hurricane Ian arrived in Florida Wednesday and roared north on its destructive path. The round-the-clock cable news coverage kept viewers riveted, and a little relieved. Americans are so sick of politics, Ian is the first Category Four hurricane ever welcomed with open arms for changing the subject.
• The Washington Post reported Wednesday that Kamala Harris is flying to South Korea to stand at the border station area separating South Korea and North Korea, which is known as the DMZ. The good news is the Vice President has finally visited the border. The bad news is, she thinks she's on TMZ.
• President Biden paused in a White House speech Wednesday to call out Congresswoman Jackie Walorski for praise, whom he believed was in the room. She died last month. Biden might want to see if Jack Kennedy or Abraham Lincoln are in the audience at his next speech before he calls on them.
• Wall Street freefell into bear territory as leading economists and bankers warned inflation will kill consumer spending. I try to cut down without sacrificing any fun. Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my coffee at home, then I shout out my name incorrectly, then I take a ten-dollar bill and burn it.
• Florida health authorities warned of mosquito-borne sicknesses in the wake of Hurricane Ian flooding. I relate this year. During this weird humid summer in Los Angeles I'm starting to think that mosquitoes land on my nose, not to suck blood, but to see how stupid I look when I slap my face.
• The White House mobilized federal relief efforts to aid the Sunshine State as Hurricane Ian made landfall Wednesday. President Biden hastily declared Florida a disaster area after he saw the latest numbers. They show Republican voter registration is leading Democratic registration by fifteen percent.
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