Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The University of North Carolina fired Bill Belichick's son Steve as the defensive coordinator on the team. It was over a sex scandal involving players and female staffers and widespread drug use. The team had to practice on a dirt field because they smoked all the grass and snorted all the white lines.

• Sydney Sweeney posed nude in a TV ad for a sports betting site with carefully placed footballs, basketballs and hockey sticks covering her legendary boobs. It's alienated liberal feminists. To get liberal women to support her she took her three little nephews out for ice cream and then strangled them.

• Honda announced it'll spend $1 billion to upgrade its Ohio plant to improve its ability to build hybrid gas-electric vehicles. In addition, Honda just introduced a riding lawnmower that's capable of speeds up to 130 mph. It's a big favorite with landscapers in case they ever spot an ICE agent coming.

• Ed Sheeran removed rap star Macklemore from his tour for denouncing Israel in his onstage rants. The rapper is a gay icon in a protest group that bills itself Queers for Palestine, which never made sense to me knowing how the terrorists treat gays. Queers for Palestine is like saying Wives for O.J.

• The White House launched a full-throated defense of AI research and development Wednesday, extolling the endless possibilities it promises to improve our lives and our economy. Industry experts say AI will be able to match human intelligence by 2030. Maybe even sooner if we keep lowering the bar.

• The Santa Fe Institute said AI is nowhere near self-thought and self-action, dismissing alarmist claims that AI will destroy mankind. I don't think it's alarming that AI is now able to draw. What's alarming is what might happen to Poland and France if it's not admitted to the Vienna Academy of Art.

• Fox News says Chinese gangs have taken over the illegal marijuana in California. Getting Californians stoned is a shrewd way for the criminals to camouflage themselves. The Chinese won't be so easily identifiable on the road by federal authorities if everyone is driving 20 miles per hour.

• The Daily Beast reports that War Secretary Pete Hegseth has acquired the nickname Colonel Vodka around the Pentagon. They say the brass hate Pete but the president loves him. Trump is reported considering annexing the Strait of Hormuz and in Hegesth's honor renaming it the Strait of Grey Goose.

• President Trump threatened to cut off trade with the EU of they accept Canada's request to become an associate trade partner with the EU. He repeated his offer of $5,000 to every American if the GOP Congress is re-elected, And due to the 50% tariff, that's $7,500 to every American living in Canada.

• Nat Geo reported marine biologists discovered a whale off the coast of Argentina which has both male and female sexual organs. I'm guessing it's not a completely unknown phenomenon among creatures in the ocean. Oysters can change their sex, but only with the aid of a skilled sturgeon.

• The White House cheered record-breaking economic numbers, saying the U.S. median income has reached $87,000 a year. But inflation's eating it all up. The good news is if you spend the same amount of money on groceries that you did two years ago, the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

• Oil & Gas Journal reports record high oil prices with Houthi rebels attacking Red Sea tankers and oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia. Even the criminals are feeling the pinch. The Mexican cartels announced that due to high gasoline prices, kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

• Closer says Baby Boomers are buying state-of-the-art hearing aids in record numbers equipped with state-of-the-art invisible ear pods. On Thursday an audiologist fitted me with a pair and they work great. The problems is, I can now hear my apartment neighbor's Yoko Ono albums clear as a bell.

• The Wall Street Journal reports that Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce is a victim in a $35 million Ponzi scheme that was successfully pulled off by an illegal alien. He'll be alright. His wife Taylor Swift is hoping to re-coup the money for him when she releases her new song Dumbass Husband.

• NFL broadcaster Joe Buck signed a six-year $110 million deal with ESPN to call the games on Monday Night Football. This ties Joe in salary with his booth partner, ex-quarterback Troy Aikman. Troy gets better every season but he needs at least 3 more concussions to be as funny as Terry Bradshaw

• Daily Variety reported that the NFL opening week had mixed results in TV ratings with good numbers on Sunday and iffy numbers for Wednesday and Thursday games. Capitalizing on the excitement, Sydney Sweeney posed topless with two footballs. At last, a pair that Tom Brady can't deflate.

• Scientific American reports time seems to go by faster as we age because we settle into routines and our brains cease processing new experiences that slow down time. I glanced at my calendar today and I couldn't believe it's AI Panic season already. I still have my Climate Change Panic decorations up.

• The 2026 America's Cup yacht races get started Monday in Sardinia in which the most skilled private sailors in the world race for glory. They must be skilled and bold. In the last America's Cup Race in 2024, New Zealanders took the Gold, the British took the Silver, and the Houthi's took the boats.

• President Trump praised the possibilities of AI Tuesday while Bernie Sanders was screaming it could destroy mankind, ending the world. You can choose to see anything negatively or positively. If you watch Jaws backwards, it's the heartwarming story about a shark giving out limbs to the disabled.

• President Trump ripped the Federal Reserve's decision to raise interest rates a quarter percent Wednesday and said interest rates should always be 1%. The Fed is fighting the inflation that's even hurting the rich. Parents in Beverly Hills have had to fire their nannies and learn their children's names.

• The College Sports Act passed the Senate that limits revenue-sharing NIL cash and transfers for college players. It includes allowing each school a $27.5 million retention fund to keep their star players. Nothing says amateur athletics like a Sovereign Wealth Fund for your sophomore quarterback

• The Senate adjourned for 7 weeks till after Election Day Wednesday after passing the College Sports Act and the Russia sanctions bill. It was like old home week. Mitch McConnell returned to the Senate and he provided the strongest evidence yet that he's not dead when he didn't vote Democrat.

• Congress passed sanctions on Russia Wednesday that will let Trump penalize countries that buy Russian oil. In 2022, Biden's Russia sanctions caused Coca-Cola, McDonald's, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell to pull out of Moscow. And today the Russian people are healthier than they've been in their lives.

• President Trump said the US has completely destroyed the Iranian Navy, all 159 ships. It's the law of unintended consequences that bites you. The U.S. has sent so many Iranian ships to the bottom of the Persian Gulf that they form a barrier reef that'd block any amphibious landing by the U.S. Marines.

• FBI Director Kash Patel was shredded by Senate Democrats in hearings on Tuesday. He was there to report that the FBI has captured all 10 suspects on its Top 10 Most Wanted list, arrested thousands of fraudsters and closed businesses that exploit child labor. I had to close down my joke factory.

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