Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• New York Mayor Mamdani was asked not to attend 9-11 ceremonies because his Chief Counsel was an Al Qaeda defense lawyer and brother-in-law of one of the 9-11 attack pilots. We can all mark the day of the attack in our own way. It could be fitting if Mamdani drives his car into a private grocery store.

• The World Trade Center ceremony is held Friday with the political far left on a different page than 9-11. The communists just convened in Chicago and they denounced healthy eating and fitness advocates for attempting to commit genocide against fat people. Friday they're commemorating 7-Eleven.

• Australia will host its first NFL game in history tonight between the Los Angeles Rams and the San Francisco 49ers. The U.S. and Australia were founded about the same time by exiles from Great Britain. Australia got all the criminals and America got all the Puritans after Australia won the coin toss.

• The Transportation Department reported that a record 17 million Americans took to the air over the Labor Day weekend this year with the top destinations being Seattle and Orlando. Labor Day is a holiday celebrated by everyone. For example, my Uber driver's deodorant stopped working.

• The SEC threatened to kick LSU out of the conference if they keep the two NFL rookie castoffs on the LSU football roster. If I know Lane Kiffin, the NFL rookies are just a distraction. It's so you won't notice he's recruited Louisiana state prison guards as offensive linemen to protect the quarterback.

• Fox News reported the lawyer for the clinically insane Lindsay Clancy asked President Trump for a pardon for strangling her three toddlers. The request for his pardon sounds about as crazy as the defendant. Before Trump signs a pardon for Lindsay Clancy, he will elope to Iran with Nancy Pelosi.

• President Trump ordered strikes on Iran's oil tankers Tuesday and Iran attacked a U.S. base in Jordan. A serious breach opened between England and Israel over West Bank incursions. Every morning when I wake up, I turn on Fox News to see which chapter of Revelation we will be doing today.

• The Democratic Socialist Convention delegates in Chicago last weekend found themselves split on some core values. There were natural heated disagreements between the conservative Muslim communists and the gay communists at the convention. It was a classic clash between hijab and handjob.

• The DSA Convention in Chicago last weekend denounced weight-loss drugs as genocide against fat people. They forgot to condemn the contaminated lettuce that caused this year's explosive diarrhea epidemic. It flew off the grocery store shelves when everyone figured out it's a lot cheaper than Ozempic.

• The Wall Street Journal cited a life insurance actuarial which said the average man lives to be 76 and the average woman 87. I have no idea what extends it. Keith Richards and Willie Nelson outliving Dolly Parton and Richard Simmons really has me questioning everything Betty Ford taught me.

• The Daily Mail says outlawed Quaaludes are making a big comeback on the drug scene, created by rogue chemists inspired by the The Wolf of Wall Street, set in the early 80s. Quaaludes make women sexually hot and men very sleepy. Thus it simulates 30 years of marriage without the alimony payments.

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